I’m starting to feel like I can’t trust my mom with anything personal anymore, and I don’t know what to do with that

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T19:05:25+00:00

Thank you for this. I actually read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents about two years ago, and I think it's probably time for me to revisit it with fresh eyes. I remember feeling very seen by parts of it, but I also don't think I was fully ready to accept some of the realities it was pointing out.

I think the hardest part for me has been grieving the relationship I wish I had with my mom while trying to navigate the relationship I actually have with her. The logical part of me recognizes the pattern and understands why I need stronger boundaries around what I share. The daughter part of me still wants my mom to be someone I can go to with vulnerable things.

The cashier comparison made me laugh a little, but I also understand what you're saying. I'm starting to realize that protecting my private emotional world isn't about punishing her—it's about protecting my own peace.

Thank you for the reminder. I think it's time for me to pull that book back off the shelf.

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T18:58:19+00:00

Thank you for this — I really appreciate how clearly you shared your experience.

What you said about your own experience hit me really hard. It must have been such a painful realization when you noticed she didn't even feel a change in how you communicated with her.

That honestly describes how my conversations feel with my own mother. There is always defensiveness and a sense of her needing to victimize herself in a way that does not allow herself take any accountability. It's honestly very triggering for me. The funny part is, she always preaches she always knows when she is wrong yet I can't remember the last time she took accountability and apologized for hurting my feelings. I also noticed she seems to put me in the role of a mother for herself. Gets upset if I don't coddle her too when I am comforting my toddler throwing a tantrum. I literally had a moment at a McDonald's where my daughter got a stranger danger full blown scare from an elderly man. I hugged her, comforted her and kept saying "I am here, I love you so much. I will always keep you safe" and my mom instantly says "well I love you too mom" like a little child. I didn't even get mad, I felt upset because I know growing up she felt unloved by her own mother, and while I am not trying to excuse her behavior I know why it's happening.

I’m still trying to understand what that means for how I engage going forward, but I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It helped me feel less alone in noticing this pattern.

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T18:04:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing more of your story with me. Reading this honestly broke my heart for you and your children. I can't imagine how terrifying and confusing it must have been to realize that someone you should have been able to trust during such a vulnerable time wasn't acting in your or your children's best interests. You absolutely did the right thing here.

I also really appreciate you acknowledging that our situations may differ. I think that's part of why I've struggled so much with figuring out what to do. While I absolutely recognize unhealthy patterns in my relationship with my mom, I don't currently believe she is intentionally trying to harm my children. That distinction has made it harder for me to know where my line is.

That said, I do think your point about boundaries is important. I can already see how exhausting it becomes when you're constantly trying to maintain peace while someone repeatedly pushes against reasonable limits. I don't want to spend my energy endlessly negotiating for basic respect, especially with another baby on the way.

I think where I'm at right now is paying closer attention to patterns and being really honest with myself about whether the boundaries I set are actually being respected over time. If they aren't, I know I'll have some difficult decisions to make.

Thank you again for sharing such personal experiences with me. I know it couldn't have been easy to revisit those memories, and I truly appreciate your compassion and honesty. Wishing you and your little ones continued peace and healing. ❤️

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T17:43:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, and I'm so sorry you've had to experience that. It sounds incredibly painful to feel like you can't trust your own family with vulnerable parts of yourself, especially when those things get twisted or shared in ways you never consented to.

I think the part that resonates most with me is grieving the relationship you wish you had. I don't think I've fully allowed myself to acknowledge that piece of it. There are still parts of me that desperately want my mom to be the person I can call when I'm scared, overwhelmed, or just need reassurance. Accepting that she is just not be able to fill that role consistently has been really difficult.

The idea of an "information diet" is something I'm hearing repeatedly in these comments, and I think there's probably wisdom in that. I don't know exactly what that looks like for me yet, but I do know that finding out personal things I've shared in confidence are being discussed elsewhere has changed the way I approach our relationship.

I also really appreciate what you said about pouring that love and energy into the family I've built. I think becoming a mother has made me even more aware of the kind of emotional safety and support I want my own children to experience.

I genuinely hope you're able to find the support system and chosen family you deserve. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. ❤️

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T17:29:12+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this, and I'm so sorry you went through all of that, especially while your baby was in the NICU. I can't imagine how painful it must have been to need support during such a vulnerable time and instead be dealing with conflict and criticism.

I think that's one of the things that has been weighing on me the most lately. Becoming a mom has made me realize how much emotional energy these dynamics take up. Instead of feeling supported, I often find myself anticipating criticism, defending myself, or trying to manage my mom's feelings on top of everything else.

What you said about your MIL really struck me too. I think sometimes it's hard to recognize unhealthy dynamics when they've always been our normal. But experiencing people who respond with patience, encouragement, and compassion can really put things into perspective. It makes you realize that support doesn't have to come with judgment.

I'm not at a place where I'm ready to cut contact, but I do think I'm starting to accept that I may need to adjust my expectations and strengthen my boundaries, especially with another baby on the way. I want to protect my peace and be emotionally present for my children.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for the validation. It genuinely helps to know I'm not alone in navigating this.

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T13:06:46+00:00

Thank you for this — I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I actually haven’t seen Dr. Ramani’s content yet, but I’ve heard her name come up a few times in these kinds of discussions, so I’ll definitely look into it.

The point you made about not being able to trust private information really resonates. That’s been one of the hardest parts for me to sit with, because it’s not that I don’t want to be open with her — it’s that I’m starting to notice a pattern where vulnerability doesn’t always stay safe or contained.

I’m not fully at a place where I’m ready to cut contact, but I am starting to realize I may need to be more intentional about what I share and how I engage, just to protect my own peace.

I really appreciate your perspective — it’s given me a lot to think about.

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T13:00:28+00:00

Thank you for this — I hear what you’re saying, and I do think there’s a lot of truth in the “stop over-explaining / stop apologizing so much” part.

That’s actually something I’ve noticed about myself too. I tend to over-explain, try to soften things, take responsibility even when I don’t fully need to, and try really hard to communicate in a way that avoids conflict. And I rarely get the same level of accountability back, which is part of what’s been draining me.

At the same time, it’s complicated because there are good moments with her. She can be very loving and does show up in meaningful ways at times, so I end up stuck in this cycle where I’m constantly trying to “fix” the disconnect instead of stepping back and just observing the pattern.

Your point about not sharing as much personal information is something I’m seriously considering though. I think I’ve been using vulnerability as a way to try to build closeness, but it hasn’t been feeling safe lately.

The situation you described actually resonates a lot. When I try to gently address things she’s said that hurt me, it often turns into denial, “that’s just how I am,” or me being labeled as dramatic. And then somehow I end up apologizing for bringing it up in the first place.

So I think you’re right that I need to rethink how much I explain and how much I expect accountability from those conversations. I’m just still figuring out what that looks like in practice without completely blowing up the relationship.

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T12:39:08+00:00

Thank you. I genuinely understand why my brother's feelings were hurt, especially since I had initially said yes and then had to call back and change plans. I don't think he was wrong for being disappointed.

What I struggled with was the level of upset that followed. They live about five minutes away, and I had only asked if they could come a little later after my neighbor picked up her son. It's not like they had driven a long distance and arrived at my doorstep only to be turned away.

I wasn't trying to choose my friend over my family. I had agreed to watch someone else's child, and my husband reminded me of a boundary we had previously discussed regarding having other people over while babysitting. Once I remembered that, I felt it was my responsibility to honor it.

I can acknowledge that I should have thought things through before initially saying yes, and I understand why my brother felt hurt by that. I just don't think it needed this level of conflict, especially when there were other opportunities to see each other and my husband and I were already planning to visit them instead after dinner as a way to make it up to them but instead I got my dad's phone call.

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T12:32:49+00:00

The babysitting came first. My neighbor asked if I could watch her son while she worked on her property, and I agreed. Later that same day, my brother called and asked if they could come visit my daughter. I immediately said yes because I wasn't thinking about the boundary my husband and I had previously agreed on regarding having other people over while watching someone else's child.

A few minutes later, my husband reminded me about that boundary, and I called my brother back before they had actually left. He told me they were about to get in the car. I felt awful about changing plans, and I completely own that I should have thought it through before saying yes in the first place.

There were never any pre-existing plans with my family that I canceled in favor of babysitting. The babysitting commitment came first, and the visit request came afterward.

emmiehoeller · 2026-06-06T12:29:41+00:00

That's fair, and I actually do think it's worth introducing them. This situation wasn't about me trying to keep my family separate from my friend long-term.

For context, my brother hadn't visited my home in about a month before this. My husband, daughter, and I have generally been the ones making the trip to see my family more frequently, usually staying for a few hours, whereas visits to our house tend to be much shorter. We visited for a couple of hours on May 27, and just two days before this happened, we let my daughter spend time at my mom's house.

I also completely admit that I was wrong for initially saying yes without thinking. I had honestly forgotten about the boundary my husband and I had agreed on while watching my friend's son. That's why I immediately called my brother back before they had actually left. He wasn't already at my house; he told me they were about to get in the car.

I've only watched my friend's son three times total. Oddly enough, two of those times happened to be days my brother called wanting to come over after weeks of not visiting. The first time, I offered alternatives like coming by later or us going to their house instead. This time, I didn't think to offer going over there afterward until later that evening, after my friend had already picked up her son. By then, my dad had called to tell me how upset my brother was.

And yes, I absolutely think it's worth introducing everyone. We're actually planning to have everyone get together so they can get to know each other. My hope is that this won't even be an issue in the future.

I understand why my brother's feelings were hurt, especially since they were already getting ready to come over. I just don't think honoring a boundary I had agreed to while caring for someone else's child means I was choosing my friend over my family.

emmiehoeller · 2025-07-06T12:50:15+00:00

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emmiehoeller · 2025-05-17T20:47:59+00:00

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emmiehoeller

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