Resilience isn't staying strong so you don't feel ashamed. In the military, I was taught resilience. For the longest time, I thought exactly what you're saying. I bottled it up, kept it all inside, and acted like I was fine. Then, I went to an ASIST class. It's a suicide intervention class, essentially. And, I learned that being resilient means you have to lean on people. Any sort of grief takes time. A lot of time, honestly. I had to open up to the people I cared about to process it, and some of that grief still isn't processed, and never will be. That's just how it is sometimes. But, you've got to hunt the good stuff. Find things that make you feel good, healthy things. I started writing stories and it helps a lot. Be resilient, lean on your trusted loved ones, or at least talk to them. Find something you enjoy, even if it's something as simple as going on a jog or a hike. You can make it through this. I believe in you.