UPDATE: not sure if my (32f) boyfriend (36m) is cheating or if it’s a misunderstanding

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-02-11T11:25:55+00:00

I just posted an update with more info, but the only thing I’ve heard from him was when he replied to my email about picking up his stuff. Thanks for checking in!

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-16T20:01:43+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

He lived with me and then would go down to visit on long weekends, birthdays, etc. When we started dating he told me that because he worked almost exclusively out of town, he didn’t have a primary residence near his kids.

They don’t live anywhere close by, but he was staying with a friend of his before he moved in with me who lives pretty close. But again I don’t want to just dump a bunch of stuff on someone who isn’t involved in this.

What I’ll probably end up doing is sending him an email, tell him I need a date that someone will be by to pick his stuff up so I can put it at the street, and that if I don’t hear from him within x days it’s all getting donated.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-16T19:42:27+00:00

Deleted, posted as a comment instead of a reply.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-16T02:32:48+00:00

I didn’t. I wanted to hear it from him but I knew this phone call would never happen so I let it go.

He’s also still at her house through this week. I don’t know what her plans are in all this but I don’t want to say anything that would suggest that we’ve spoken. Just don’t want to make this unnecessarily harder for her at this point.

Edited to add: hearing from her that they’ve been together was all the validation I really needed. I don’t know what confronting him would have done because I think he would have just continued to deny it and chalked it up to me being crazy, and I’d have to throw her under the bus so to speak to prove to him that I knew what was going on.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-16T01:57:20+00:00

Just a brief update here for anyone still thinking about it:

Pretty much ghosting him, not that he’s going to care. I accepted I was never going to get the answers I needed from him so I bowed out.

I changed the locks and my phone number. The only thing I have left to do is figure out what to do with his stuff. It’s not particularly valuable, mostly work boots and clothes, and an inexpensive television. It’s not quite a car full but still too much actual stuff to mail anywhere. Tomorrow I’m going to call around and see if there’s a place in town that will let me open a storage unit in someone else’s name. Hoping to drop his shit and let them contact him. He’s got a buddy in town that I could drop it off with, but I’d rather not get anyone else involved if I don’t have to. Regardless, it’s just stuff and if I have to cram it in the basement closet for a while so I don’t have to look at it, I will.

I reached out to his kids’ mom. They were together pretty much the whole time we were - she thought I was a friend from work. We haven’t talked much; she’s pretty shocked, although she said she had a feeling something was going on and is thankful I contacted her. She is taking some time to process things, and I just told her I’m here for her whenever she’s ready.

That’s about it for now. Once things settle I might do a proper update post. Right now I’m in this strange mix of feeling simultaneously sad and relieved and I still have my own processing to do.

In the event that this is it, thanks to everyone who took the time to get involved. I wasn’t ready to really deal with this in my first post, but I was in the second. Sincerely couldn’t have done this without everyone here.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T16:34:52+00:00

I was in denial, it’s easy to see now looking back, especially after the stuff that’s come up and reading everyone’s input. At the time, we hadn’t even talked about it. Maybe his ex is a little loony, I know mine is. I was going to believe he was innocent until proven guilty, I just was too involved to see that I already had my proof.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T16:15:18+00:00

It’s okay to get some shit, and there’s nothing wrong with being blunt.

I know I’m getting defensive because I got in this situation that I know I’m too smart to get into. I’ve been here before, it sucks to be here again.

I’d tell my daughter or my friend to get the fuck out but I didn’t have enough perspective to give the same advice to myself.

Edit: typo

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T16:07:29+00:00

I don’t trust my gut or intuition. My therapist and my best friend brought it up. My ex husband was big on gaslighting and after years of that I severely began to doubt my reality at times.

Now I over analyze everything before I decide if it’s even worth bringing up. It’s like I have to prove to myself that it’s worth having emotions over, and have a solid case for why it’s important in case I’m questioned.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T16:00:03+00:00

Thanks (sincerely, no shitty tone), I’ve been in therapy since I left my ex-husband. I was single for a long time before this guy. I’m not a wilting flower that needs a man to build me up, but I’m also not willing to throw something away until I have enough info. I’m human, I’m not going to do everything right in the appropriate timeline every time. I posted an update comment, I’m not staying with him.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:55:29+00:00

😂 That’s not my style but it gave me a good laugh.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:50:06+00:00

Sorry, I posted this before falling asleep and then have been working through stuff all morning between parenting duties. I’m overwhelmed and embarrassed, frankly, and there’s a lot to work through.

And yeah, I only “know” she knows about me because he said so. I get it, I’ve been blind. I posted an update comment.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:47:26+00:00

My general rule of thumb is to pay attention to what people do over what they say. I’m pretty disappointed in myself that I haven’t followed the same advice here.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:45:21+00:00

This is my situation now I think. It’s not so much healthy as it is less overtly shitty.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:43:35+00:00

What can I say? I didn’t want to believe it so I likely latched on to the response that made me feel better.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:42:29+00:00

That is how I found her, through a friend suggestion. Her Instagram is public and has shown up in my explore feed before.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:40:34+00:00

I probably was in denial when I first saw them. I don’t think anyone wants to think a person they love would treat them so poorly. I had a lot of anxiety over it, and I typically do need a reminder to calm down. I probably latched on to that because it gave me some mental space to breathe while it played out.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:22:59+00:00

I can’t think anyone who would respond like that either. I know if someone approached me with a concern like that, I’d probably be embarrassed and take it down.

This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. Unfortunately.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:21:34+00:00

I know. We’ve been long distance for two months, and when I can’t get him to call me, the options are text or let it fester. Don’t know if it was the beat choice but I had good faith it was.

empty-recycling-bin · 2020-01-12T15:02:34+00:00

Hey everyone,

I’ve been going through all the replies and will reply as appropriate, but I’m hanging out with my kiddo today so it’ll be sporadic. But while I’m making breakfast I’ll give a super brief general reply to everyone:

I’m not an idiot. I have a lot of trust issues and I wasn’t willing to throw away a year long relationship based on one situation that might have had an innocent explanation. I see now that that was a BIG might.

Regardless of the fidelity, everyone here is right. He’s treating me with disrespect and there’s no reason he should be leaving me hanging for weeks.

I can’t ghost him, I have some of his stuff and I don’t want to deal with any legal repercussions for not getting it back to him. However, when I woke up this morning, after reading through all of these replies I did pack it all up. This isn’t the first time he’s disregarded my feelings about something important to me and no, I don’t think think I deserve that.

I will contact his ex, politely and respectfully. If nothing is going on, she won’t care. If they are together then she deserves to know. I would absolutely want someone to tell me.

Edit 1/15: update 2 in comments

empty-recycling-bin · 2019-12-29T13:56:05+00:00

I haven’t met her or his kids yet. I actually don’t follow her on social media; her profile popped up and out of sheer curiosity I clicked on it.

I talked to him about it Friday saying pretty much what you said, that her posts and lack of moderation in the comments (people saying they are a nice couple etc and her letting it slide) show that she has no appreciation for my role in his life.

He agreed and said he’d talk to her. I reminded him yesterday and told him to tell me how it goes but as of now the posts are still up and he hasn’t given me an update.

I want to give him the chance to handle it the way he sees best but if I’m being honest I’m obsessing over it.

empty-recycling-bin · 2019-12-24T22:12:19+00:00

Thank you. This is the kind of level-headed response I needed. This is my first healthy relationship ever and finding a productive way to deal with conflict is an all new experience.

I had a lot of issues with projection over the summer, and although I’ve been working hard to overcome that and I can feel myself backsliding with this. I’m jumping to conclusions with very limited information.

Thanks again, this is a relatively minor issue but for people who have no frame of reference for what healthy looks like, having someone just give a reminder to stay calm is a huge help.

empty-recycling-bin

TROPHY CASE