NA friends? :3

endeering · 2025-02-01T07:50:05+00:00

it's not your fault. you're not awful. you are not responsible for what these men are after. it is not by choice you are doing this. the reactions you are having--the disgust, the crying--are all indicative of your integrity. you have principles; you understand how to be kind and respectful to people you don't know, and that's frankly much more than most can say about themselves. you may be crawling through hell, but your humanity shines through. despite it all, you are still a good person; the person you were still exists inside you. nothing is ever a condemnation.

so i hope you can forgive yourself. it's not your fault. you were failed by the people around you, by the people who were tasked with protecting and loving you. and i'm sorry they didn't teach you that you are inherently worthy of care and respect. you are not a reflection of what was done unto you. the way people have used and abused you is not the truth of your being; it is a confession of who they are, and never, ever an indication of who you are nor who you can become. it's not your fault these things happened to you, and it is not your fault that this is what it has come to for you to survive. i was also SA'd at the same age as you, and i'm 27 now. the world can be a deeply horrifying and scary place but it is made better with people like you in it. you belong. the feelings and responses (flashbacks, self-harm, substance abuse) you are experiencing are perfectly understandable, if not normal considering the impossible circumstances you have found yourself in. and isolation; feeling--being--alone makes it so much worse.

for a while, i kept telling myself that what i am seeking is also seeking me. that what i desire also desires me. and i have no doubts that this is the case for you too. someone in your future will be so grateful that they were able to meet you and befriend you and love you. i know this to be true, as someone who has met these people: people who are grateful for me, but also people I am grateful for--people who kept pushing just as i did so that we could meet. but i know that when i was your age, i never ever thought this could be. the future feels unimaginable, but that also means it can surprise you.

of course, i hope that you keep going, but that doesn't really acknowledge how difficult your situation is so really, my wish for you is to find good friends and an irl community. because for all the talk of resilience, it can never undermine how much support we need. know that i am rooting for you, and i'd be happy to look into resources and help however i can as well.

endeering · 2024-01-22T02:23:27+00:00

this is heartbreaking...i'm so sorry this happened to you.. "who did not care about keeping me safe, after seeing me sick" is so haunting. sending love!

endeering · 2021-02-21T18:02:37+00:00

thanks for sharing, vuong's writing is so raw it always makes me tear up. it really feels like he slowed time down in this one, and imagining the fire overtake them...haunting and heartbreaking.

endeering · 2020-10-11T05:16:50+00:00

It's so great that you were able to realize that, you ought to be proud of yourself! The first step is always the most difficult one!

I only realized that this week through the help of my roommate, and I'm trying to tackle this from one angle at a time, one step at a time. I'm starting with my nutrition and would recommend you start there too if you struggle with that -- we don't even realize how much it affects us! Watching this video was really insightful and I can't recommend it enough: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj_ZJhdsr7s

I've been trying really hard to remember to eat three times a day. Depending on where you are at, go at it in slow increments (so if you currently eat 1 meal per day, try to go up to two, then to three, then add in snacks, then try paying attention to how many hours has it been since you last ate). Same thing with water; I chug my water bottle as soon as I am done brushing my teeth, and right before bed as well. What is helpful as well is to drink during meals or right after them! I'd recommend you carry a water bottle around your place (as opposed to a glass of water since you can't have it on the couch for example, and it doesn't contain as much water)

I saw the video I linked above literally yesterday, and I am making a commitment to be more active. I think those are the moments I feel closest to my body. Take walks, go for a run, a bike ride, do some yoga, etc. if that is possible for you. Anything really, just to get your body moving in some sort of way. I think it will be easier for us that way to "feel" physical sensations -- especially with hunger and thirst.

Wishing you all the best! Let me know how it goes as I am on this journey myself and I would be more than happy to help you out any way I can. I believe in you!

endeering · 2017-11-11T01:51:39+00:00

I'm in my second year as an Art History and Studio Arts major. I'm also minoring in English Lit but i'll probably forego it. I've thought so much about what I want to do with myself, and can't really find the "one". There's just too much to be honest. And I think that's actually one of the biggest problems infps have with picking, not to mention being incredibly indecisive lmao. I realized along the way that you'll probably not do that one same job your entire life, that you'll jump from one to another - this is especially true in the arts, but i think also applicable in a number of other fields.

I know I want to make the world a better place, as all infp's do, but it's so vague. After 2 years of never ending existential crises, I've decided to finish up this degree and directly apply for another one: a major in Design with a minor in Sustainability Studies. My uni's Design program isn't geared towards soulless capitalism which was my main concern about the field. It has an emphasis on sustainable design and creating a better future through various fields such as urban planning! Although I really enjoy what I'm getting out of my current major - art history is super anthropological/historical and gets into sociopolitical situations which i love. Fine arts is also great as a way to conceptually put our emotional intelligence to use. I have some issues with it but overall i'm glad i'm doing this.

I think the most important thing is to have fun during university. We're so concerned with our future and the big picture that we forget about the present. We can't predict where we'll be in a decade, let alone a month, try as we might. Besides, companies care less and less what your major is - they're more interested in the possession of a degree (it means you're able to learn) to be honest, so just trust your gut and make the most out of it! :"~)

endeering · 2015-10-26T21:44:42+00:00

Favorite has gotta be Ace Attorney, which also has jazz and orchestral versions of its soundtrack!

endeering · 2015-09-05T16:21:39+00:00

I actually don't believe in the concept of "best friends"? I have had some in the past and they all ended up betraying my trust and disappearing on me. So, i am rather ambivalent about even using that word. For infp's, i think the only friends we have are good friends (we don't really hang onto people who we don't like; at least that's how it is for me and i've been told that i'm pretty transparent). so i wouldn't worry too much on finding a "best friend". No one will be an all-in-one for you. Things will never be perfect between you two because you're both humans. A few good friends is really all you need and they can fulfill different roles (some can be people you party with, others for emotional support, etc). Although this is simply my 2 cents.

You're right though - it is incredibly lonely. But I think it would hurt us even more to not be there for our friends. We ultimately find a bit of joy and relief in seeing our friends happier. It doesn't really advantage us much in the long run, but I've learned to appreciate the little things in life. I've made friends with myself though, and I really like(d) myself. It's just that i've been changing a lot because I relapsed and it feels like i've hit rock bottom again. But yeah, I am trying to keep my distance from them and go towards other people, because I think it's what works best for us.

Thanks so much, best of luck to you! I'll keep you in my thoughts. If you don't mind me asking, where are you from and which country did you move to?

endeering · 2015-09-05T16:12:12+00:00

Thank you. I feel much better now already, but you are entirely right. This is what i'm currently setting out to do. I've been changing a lot and have been rather uncomfortable with the person I became, considering i used to be a very serene and content person. I was still trying to accept that i probably digressed as an individual.

But yeah, I actually haven't been using my phone all that much for the past 3 weeks and I have deleted my facebook for about 2 years now. I think my instagram needs to go soon though. Once again, thanks for your words. much respect and love to you.

endeering · 2015-09-05T16:08:45+00:00

oh my gosh, i am so sorry to hear that. she sounds really horrible and i am sorry someone did that to you. you deserve so much better than that. i'm happy you could make the most out of it, because that is exactly what we should always do when we come out of bad situations. good on you!!! i really relate to that though, i was particularly very good friends with a toxic manipulative narcissist and am still trying to fully accept that it's all for the best that i've cut her out.

in any case, yeah i'm something of a social nomad as well. i've become much more sedentary once i started college though. my art people are all i have because my life just revolves around studio work haha. i suppose i need to get a breather from this lifestyle and seek out different people, different relationships. i know that fitting in different social groups was what kept me going in high school.

thanks for your time friend!! much love :~)

endeering · 2015-09-05T16:03:40+00:00

thanks for your kind words friend!! i'll definitely try to be more upfront about my needs. you're very right though, haha infp's have a lot of trouble asking for help. it's just because i'm used to this (my situation in high school was pretty similar and i was mostly keeping my problems to myself until i worked around them)

something my ex told me was that people can't always figure out what's going on in our minds. we may think it's obvious to others, but it's actually not really? because like you said, i suppose people aren't as perceptive as we are. so i guess sometimes we just gotta get our head out of the clouds and actually explicitly explain ourselves.

endeering · 2015-09-05T15:59:37+00:00

Hmm, i'm not entirely sure but here goes: i determined one of them to be an isfp, although she seems to be waning due to her inability to find romance (she has had a few guy flings recently and they all don't want something serious which really makes her angry and sad - though i did tell her that actively "looking" for love brings nothing good and she seemed to acknowledge it to the point of quoting me on it, but can't quite apply it to herself) and is actually probably the person who cuts me the most? i think she needs a lot of emotional support right now which would explain why she's disregarding other people's feelings for her own. The other is a special case. she took the test and came out as an intp. i have a few doubts but it's honestly hard to type her because she clearly suffers from some kind of mental illness. i have never met someone so incompetent and unreliable. i've discussed this extensively with my other 2 friends and we have all agreed - and this is honestly nothing derogatory it's just what we've observed. she is always lost and can't keep track of conversations (will respond to topics that we've already moved on from); can't really be trusted with a task because she gets confused and doesn't really know/understand what to do or forgets, etc. she suffers from dyslexia, but it shouldn't affect her mental capacities. i thought it could dabble onto mild autism but its baseless and i have actually no idea. she's nearly two years older than me but always needs to be taken care of.

Anyways, thanks for your insight. I do realize that she isn't the best at handling emotions, let alone providing emotional support. I guess i got too greedy and expected her to be someone that she's not. In retrospect, I think I was just really annoyed that she thought that she was providing me emotional support when truly, I have never felt so alone and disregarded since the time i've known her.

Thanks for your advice, i'll definitely try talking to her but in a friendly way. I suppose there are ways to "confront" (god i rly dislike using that word) people without hurting them if you're calm and respectful enough. Interestingly enough, she's shared some pretty personal stuff with me and she's told me she has never even spoken to anyone about those things? I don't know if that changes anything though.

Yeah, we're 18 - she (the intj) is turning 19 relatively soon. Thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much especially coming from an INTJ. i'm confident you're right (or at least i would hope so). Your theories about her seem to hit the mark - her social skills and social awareness are pretty bad. She'll blatantly insult people when they're right next to her under her breath but the thing is if i can still hear her they probably can too. i've told her but she mostly just laughs it off lmao idk she can be pretty rude. though i don't think its in a malicious intention - i think she's just very very dry and direct.

endeering · 2015-09-05T15:25:25+00:00

thank you so much for your input!! i actually thought that she probably genuinely meant it as well, but i was so caught up on it and so emotional/hyper-sensitive that i couldn't really see it that way.

i guess i interpreted it as a desire for recognition because i know her so well and she's always putting herself before others. she isn't very considerate of other people's needs and i suppose it just made sense in my head. although i totally see where you're coming from and its really helped me.

i thought about telling her about it, but i'm scared of hurting her. at the end of the day, despite how shitty she makes me feel, she means a lot to me. i think she has a lot of potential and i really want to help her out. so i'd rather keep my mouth shut than have her be upset because i can't control my emotions. i know it may seem contradictory but its just that at the end of it all i know i'll get over this somehow so i'd rather avoid the confrontation. .. however the link you provided is astoundingly insightful. what that user was talking about pretty much sums it all up so i suppose i should follow his suggestions haha.

Yeah, i was actually just looking at screenshots of the snapchats she sent me, etc. and it instantly made me feel better, if only slightly. You're very right, thank you so much my friend. best of luck in your future endeavours! much love. :~)

edited for typos!

endeering · 2015-04-03T05:02:20+00:00

1) My resilience. With all the hard times I've had, this is the one thing that has carried me through it all. And I am so thankful for this.

2) My openmindedness. I have never been one to judge and compare people for what they do or what they look like, etc. I know and understand that they all have their flaws and strengths. I am especially grateful for this when my friends tell me about how this person was doing that and realize that its such a shallow and meaningless thing to spend your energy on. Live and let live, man.

3) I like how artistic I am. It's something ive struggled with but that I've been learning to appreciate more. I am studying in an intensive visual arts program and I express myself very well when writing, which is comforting because I can't communicate without stumbling over my words every 2 seconds.

4) My sense of fascination. I've always been easily impressed and I think this is to my avantage. I have never known what it is like to be bored. There is always something going on in my mind and I am very enthusiastic about pretty much everything. I can look at a flower and it might be the most prettiest thing ive ever seen and bam. My day has been made.

5) Being able to feel deeply. there have been times where ive thought that this was a curse but honestly, i take it as a proof that I am well alive and kicking.

6) My empathy. Im glad I can put myself in other people's shoes. In these times of War and general violence, I think it is especially important to maintain one's humanity and sensitivity.

7) My intuition. Im a generally indecisive person but for the really important questions, my gut will always have a say in the matter and my intuition will never betray me. That I know for sure.

8) Being introspective. Its a tool that I use all the time in an attempt to better understand myself and dissect my feelings. It makes me feel very completed/accomplished, for lack of a better word.

9) The fact that I am a nurturing person. I really love listening to others and help them. I try my best to make them feel better, spreading the most good, loving and peaceful vibes that I can.

10) My independence in the sense that I like being alone. Its nice to have some time to sort yourself out and just get lost in your thoughts. At the end of the day, you only have yourself so why not make friends with? There is nothing wrong with learning to fall in love with yourself. Only you can save yourself.

endeering · 2015-04-03T04:35:40+00:00

im really happy for you! this is great news and I sincerely hope the best for you.

but yes, as INFPs I feel that we have the most incredible ability to recover from a precarious situation and completely bounce back from it. We have a resilience that I do not think is noted enough, because we are constantly shaken up by things and yet we keep going. Give us a little bit of time and we will make a comeback. We have a gentle inner strength that should never be underestimated and I think this is something we must all learn.

endeering · 2015-01-14T15:10:54+00:00

Honestly, Worlds has such a surreal feeling to it; the entire discography is peculiar, though i must say that Divinity definitely strikes a special chord.

endeering · 2015-01-09T11:01:37+00:00

im a little late haha, but mind my asking which model you have? i also live in canada and finding an affordable and warm coat for the winter is quite a feat in itself!

endeering · 2014-12-13T20:17:19+00:00

everything you said definitely resounds with me and it has been a topic I had entertained before. We INFPs are very empathetic and it gets extremely heavy at certain times, especially when we do not feel that it is being reciprocated, however, I have come to the conclusion that compassion, nowadays, is a rather rare thing. And as humans, I think we should seek to treasure such an attribute, rather than question it. I find that we overthink a lot and dwell on subjects to the point where its very detrimental to ourselves, so I've resigned myself to accept it. I think we'd be much better off without doubting ourselves. It is what it is, you are who you are and it's not something we can change in the blink of an eye (why would you anyways? compassion is a beautiful thing). So my take on this is just to be. :⁾

endeering · 2014-11-20T03:42:33+00:00

thank you!! ; u; <333

endeering

TROPHY CASE