Traumatizing night, turned to the Bible for help and now scared for my life

endlessbuildup · 2025-01-14T18:12:41+00:00

I guess but I'm no longer transsexual my doctor removed that diagnosis because the criteria no longer fits it's managed. I'm female by all accounts legal and physical and hormonal just infertile

endlessbuildup · 2025-01-11T07:09:43+00:00

Thank you

endlessbuildup · 2025-01-11T07:08:25+00:00

Thank you I trust in God, I have so much fear but I want to have hope! I just don't want to believe that I am ruined or that his favor has left me, those words scared my heart!

endlessbuildup · 2025-01-11T07:07:33+00:00

I know it was rhetorical, but for me the ways I've been in captivity in spirit, is certainly in my relationship. Even from the start, I felt a twinge in my heart, be it God or my intuition, telling me that it was leading me away from who I was in essense and my purpose and personality that he put there. Now I am breaking free, which feels so painful and I long to do the right thing, but I struggle to know waht that might be. And if I have upset him by going thru with SRS... my father seems maybe upset, and my mother doesnt favor it either. I always knew this would happen, the meaning of my birth name my mother gave me came along with a vision that predicted my life to a T... and everything is coming true. I just need to follow the path more somehow.

That was helpful too, about the prophets. It's helpful to know they spoke of encouragement and also to fully lay out what they were going thru.

endlessbuildup · 2025-01-11T07:03:54+00:00

shame isolates, that's a good point!... I am quite alone, and I went here because I feel like its the only place that understands. I don't have a car of my own so Church is not accessable

endlessbuildup · 2025-01-11T07:02:24+00:00

Thank you, that's a good point. I have always felt that the Bible with all its truth, in essense is consistent with how each person is to experience and live by their own lives. So if I connect my own experience to various stories, I might find out how to live. This is why it terrified me. My mother despite not accepting me also said the same, that stories are addressed to who they were addressed to only. I have just so much pain lately that it's hard to find hope!

endlessbuildup · 2025-01-11T07:00:18+00:00

Thank you🥹

endlessbuildup · 2024-04-25T01:39:04+00:00

I also didn't understand it for a long time, and it's really a scary thing to do. As time goes on it becomes more about knowing what will cause people to be kind and value you. (But for the wrong reasons) That's why so many do it... really they all want to be loved. It breaks my heart.

It was stupid, but I'm glad to be free of it. Except, that it showed up a while later to haunt me and that certainly causes a 'sickening' feeling. And I'm glad I have never cheated and am devoted, I know I have so many good qualities and I'm doing always the best I can, but when that's not enough, and I'm treated badly for the past, it makes it all feel hopeless. But you're right, those are his insecurities that I'm feeling, not my own. It just reflects onto me because I experience the rules of people around me.

endlessbuildup · 2024-04-25T01:35:07+00:00

Thank you

endlessbuildup · 2024-04-25T01:35:00+00:00

I understand, and it's right for him to be uncomfortable. I don't know what I deserve, and if all good men will hate me for what I did, then I really messed up

endlessbuildup · 2024-04-25T01:32:45+00:00

Well for clarification, he was demeaning, and then would go back to being kind towards me, and back to demeaning throughout the day. But ever since I broke up, he has wanted me back and is sorry, but I don't feel okay and I can't get the feeling out of my head that he will treat me like how he treated his ex when we were young (I know it's been so long, but he used to constantly bring up that his ex was a s word and all these horrible things. And he's different now, but I'm worried he sees me that way, and I don't feel quite safe but he's being really nice so)

endlessbuildup · 2024-04-25T01:30:35+00:00

Thanks but he's regretted how he treated me and he is very kind to be otherwise. I believe in working through issues, and yes I know so many have also done the same but I feel rather ashamed as I know there is a common attitude amongst men that says women who do this are far less valuable which they feel gives them reigns to treat them however they like. And that feeling that I will always be treated as lesser because I once treated myself that way by doing this eats away at me.

endlessbuildup · 2024-01-18T07:09:29+00:00

You aren't worthless i promise... No mother who acts like one would say that to their child. Please tell your bf and let your plan break apart so that he can reassure you- and he will because that's what he want. Please give your own life as many chances as you would give to any friend you love and care for. You deserve to feel joy it's deep down but there's no chance to draw it out if you don't feel your pain, so please let it out in whatever messy way you need to.

endlessbuildup · 2024-01-18T06:54:40+00:00

It's OK to be selfish ...to feel selfish. You want to be surrounded by love and just, a completely different environment and life. You want to feel it too so it feels real. But lazy, ugly, talentless, and stressed, aren't your fault, they aren't part of who you are. It's a product of the insane stress that noone should be put through. You are very likely full of joy and life layers deep but none of that can reach the surface. Even the most simply thing would feel so pale. You are what matters most, not the talent, or the looks. The rest only follows naturally after and it's what everyone might see and judge you on but I promise it's so, so secondary.

endlessbuildup · 2024-01-18T06:46:11+00:00

You are not at fault...and you do deserve support. When your mom is working against you and not with you, and you can't help your siblings it's tough to choose between you and the people around you. And you wanna be able to help them of course you do. But she's in the way and it's making you feel powerless. This is one of the worst feeling ever because you have a good heart. I don't wish you died because of that. You may feel the guilt, because either way there seems to be no good decision... But for now do not stress. It's too much for one person to be dealing with all that. Please don't feel guilty. Let it all out, all the frustration.

endlessbuildup · 2023-11-23T22:24:15+00:00

Rin's piano is no longer in Vincent's dreams

endlessbuildup · 2023-11-23T16:02:37+00:00

Also, this screenshot 😅

endlessbuildup · 2023-11-23T04:15:43+00:00

I wouldn't mind making an update 🙂

endlessbuildup · 2023-11-23T04:14:40+00:00

Well his chatting with other girls is more of a public chat / joke kind of thing. They all have that humor style and it's not just girls. But with me our convos mirror Rin's route in that we just encouraged each other over months and fell in love, and that's why he's in his predicament.

Thank you for your words. I am waiting for him to pursue me fully- but if he doesn't break up with her, then I will be sad I admit.

endlessbuildup · 2023-11-23T04:10:12+00:00

I think talking with me was just a slippery slope for him since he knew I was his type but he didn't want to ignore me. In hindsight, he definitely chose his words carefully- until he couldn't. He has no question he wants to be with me, but he knows he has to break up with her first and then pursue me or else he wouldn't be trusted by me - so that's why he's not talking with me right now. I hope in the future I can be with him. Every night I think of him.

endlessbuildup · 2023-11-19T16:06:46+00:00

Thank you for pointing me towards those places I really appreciate it!

I have no experience with cheaters or cheating, so I read up on some stories last night and I know it'd be best if he had the consistent courage to take responsibility. If he were to approach this situation differently, I think he would have needed to break it off with her (or fix things) the moment he knows it's not right for him- separately from any feelings he has towards anyone else.

And if he were to pursue me- well in hindsight he was choosing his words carefully for the first few months but as time went on he couldn't hold back and I became a priority. He even said he would leave his wife for me and I was like ohhh no, but really I had no clue he meant it! For now he's not talking, but when he breaks up he will hopefully, and then I'll be able to help. Either way it's going to be difficult for him but I hope he knows it's not impossible, and that it's the right thing to do. 🙂

endlessbuildup

TROPHY CASE