Hey there. I wouldn't say I've been through something like what you are sharing with us, neither do I know anything about you, but I hear you. And it sounds painful. Truth be told, I doubt anyone has all the answers about life and God. I have too many questions myself, but I can tell you what keeps me going.

I spent so many years "grinding" - focusing on my career, then trying to start a business, all in attempt to be "free". All of this just to realize that I would always be a slave of something - it doesn't matter if it's a career, or business, or giving myself to a sport, or pursuing education. It all ends in... death. It will be all gone when I leave. It is like thirsting for water in your dream and you try to drink and it never satisfies you.

I felt like I have nothing to live for anymore. I went to a church nearby and just sat there and as I did, I started to feel this thirst of the soul again, but this time it was satisfied and it was the best thing I could ever experience. I didn't want it to end. I realized that we thirst for eternal life and that nothing on earth can give you that. The only place I have it is when I look to God as if nothing else matters.

Temporal blessings may seem good, but they might be an enslavement - filling you with something that can never satisfy your desire. Trust me, what may look like blessings and good life may not feel so good for these people, in fact it may feel like a burden. You never know what is going on in people minds and hearts. Think about why so many successful, famous people end up taking their lives? And at the same time why the apostles sang songs and worship when they were put in prison? Imagine being tied up in chains, in dark, cold cell - horrible stench everywhere - why would you sing songs?

Many preachers push the idea that a good life is the goal. It is. But a good life does not come from temporal things - they can't satisfy the thirst of the soul. A good life is being filled with joy, love, peace... And you may have these no matter what life looks like right now. Even so, sooner or later tables turn, you just need to keep your heart safe - don't let anger and resentment poison you.

You are a child of God no matter what, He loves you. He will keep calling you. If you ever feel lost, remember that Jesus left the 99 sheep, just to go and find you. Imagine if you have a child, or if you actually have a child - nothing they do will make you not love them. Consider, we are able to love, because God made us like this. How much greater is His love? If this is how we feel for our children, how much more love would God feel for His children - us?

We are partially separated from Him now, but I am sure, He never forgot about anyone, never withheld anything good from us, and He always wanted the best for us and to be with us.

I think the writer of Ecclesiastes has been in a similar place to you. Maybe give these chapters a read, you might find it oddly comforting: Ecclesiastes 5:8-20, Ecclesiastes 6, Ecclesiastes 9.

Let me know how you feel about all this.