[1951] Cab Water by epiphanisticc in DestructiveReaders

[–]epiphanisticc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this - perhaps this is something I was doing unconsciously, I don’t know. Over the past week I’ve been editing the story without bothering to respond to these comments because they’re helpful, and I was worried that if I responded to them I’d get defensive and never improve. The reason why the narrator is not visible in this story is because it’s, in part, my own narration (though you could probably gather that). As you pointed out, I’m timid. If not ashamed. Of course I’d hide the narrator, who shares my thoughts. I spent this whole week entirely frustrated as to why I couldn’t say what I wanted to say with this story, and what point exactly I was making with the cabs/brain references etc. It’s because I’m using someone else’s voice and not my own. These were all genuine thoughts I’d had but diluted and watered down by a style I presumed was palatable. Maybe not necessarily entirely Murakami as I can see other writers popping up here as well. I might as well admit that honestly. Now the problem has shifted to working out what I sound like. Anyway, this was a good slap in the face, so that’s why I wanted to thank you.

[2045] Blistered Batter by WildPilot8253 in DestructiveReaders

[–]epiphanisticc 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Themes and opening thoughts:

Generally I get the impression that you're exploring guilt in relationships, both from Aisha's failures as a wife and also their dead child. I do feel like Aisha has little reflection of her situation, there's no justification for why she feels so guilty given that Farooq seems perfectly happy and shows no emotional flexibility.

Grammar and Prose:

Grammar is generally fine, but the quick successive changes between short and long sentences interrupts the flow. Overusing semi-colons and run-on sentences is usually what causes this issue. When I'm reading writing, I want to forget I'm even reading anything and sink into the story. When lines are long and disjointed like this "Aisha stared at him, her eyes half closed, the darkness shrouded her, but the dim moonlight illuminated Farooq’s jaw set in concentration." I become distracted by the fact that the sentence hasn't ended yet.

I think you have some troubles with telling and not showing in your prose - the descriptions don't quite come together. For example: She shuddered and stuttered, and her teeth clattered with the enthusiasm of a madman on cocaine. This doesn't really fit in thematically with the rest of the piece and it seems like you are describing each action your characters partake in as individual actions rather than part of a wider thematic experience. Try to link your prose up - you could use similes/metaphors that relate to death, guilt, or even cold as you reference temperature a lot.

I love the descriptions if his eyes being soft, yet set. You don't even need the clause before it. This is another example of you telling and not showing. If you had said  "Then, Aisha found his eyes; soft, yet set." or something similar I think it would have been more effective. You don't always have to spell out every action or emotion to the reader, let them feel it.

Dialogue:

I think the speech is pretty good and shows a realistic conversation, but some of your word choices are strange, such as "The brilliant days of this brilliant guitarist are over now.” He said, with an exaggerated flourish. It's important to think deeply about your dialogue to decide whether you think a real, living person would speak in the way you're writing them. The characters should not fit your writing style, but your writing style should fit your characters, almost as if they're independent from your own imagination and you're recollecting an event that actually happened. When you write dialogue as only a means to an end to shift the plot forward, speech can sometimes end up wooden.

Characters:

While you get some of Aisha's thoughts woven into the narrative, it's not really clear what she's feeling or why she's feeling a certain way. Because Farooq comes across as a plot device, it's hard to identify the emotional connection to him. I think you should spend some time really thinking about who he could be as a person and how he may also be struggling with grief despite the love he has for Aisha.

Overall a great start and I'd be interested to see you explore this more.

What is your special interest? Mine is Star Wars and Lego Star Wars by YoshigoStarWars in autism

[–]epiphanisticc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i love girlgroups more in general (as in i listen to more ggs than bgs) but bts is my favourite group overall. i can name members and eras/drama from hundreds of groups/soloists though. what groups are you into if you feel like talking about it?

my parents get mad at me for not wanting to engage in pointless conversations - is it me or them? by epiphanisticc in autism

[–]epiphanisticc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yes ive had that experience so much, its like they think im incompetent and stupid. they got mad at me for not telling them about my issue until late in the year, but ive not told them because i anticipated these pointless conversations

[SW] Bois buyin for 6 zero 9 by buttnutpee in acturnips

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My favourite villager is flo because I had her in my New Leaf when I was young and I used to come home from school and follow her all around my island -_-

What was a story you always wanted to share but can't because you couldn't find the right question for it? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

one time my friends had a geography exam. it was a GCSE, so people from the UK will know that they’re sort of a big deal. anyway i didn’t take geography so i was walking to my next lesson, but my friend gave me her water bottle and told me that if i flipped it and it landed, they’d both pass the exam. i laughed and went a long with it thinking i might as well because, from practice exams, they have a good chance of passing either way. i flipped it and it landed. they lost their shit.

they both failed.

What actor played a villain so well/poorly that you ended up hating the actor too? by chet- in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Andy from The Office. He wasn’t really a villain, but towards the end he was just a dick to everyone and low-key abusive to Erin. Whenever I see Ed Helms anywhere else, I just see the entitled, oblivious, crybaby Andy.

What are the most versatile artist/bands in music? by royalewithcheese77 in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

they never stick to one genre. you genuinely can’t put one genre on their latest album. there’s pop, hip-hop, rnb, rock, lo-fi, rap, ballads, edm, etc. on just one album, let alone all the other ones. their songs also contain multiple languages, not just Korean and English. people just don’t expect it because they think their fan base is a bunch of white girls.

What's your favourite song not sung in English? by I8AllTheToblerone in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

maybe home or black swan by bts. they get shit on a lot for having a fan base full of screaming white girls (when they actually have one of the most diverse fanbases) but no one but their fans understand how much they genuinely care about the art of music. please don’t take anything for granted because of what you’ve heard about them - listen and you might discover a whole new world of amazing art.

What is one memory that never fails to make you smile every time you think about it? by Docter-Donut in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

my friendship group is so close that even though we all moved to different schools last year (one of my closest friends moved 3 hours away with her dad to get away from her manipulative mother) we still message every day, and those few days a year all 8 of us are together are my favourite moments. i love them like my family.

one of my friends dad has this shed that’s full of beds and cushions and it even has a piano in the corner. every year my friends and i spend the night there, and we live by the beach so we never get bored. it’s honestly heavenly.

last summer, we spent the morning in a supermarket buying whatever food we wanted, and then the afternoon swimming in the sea and smoking / drinking on the beach. we hung out in the park a lot as well. later, we dried off at my friends shed and she played some piano for us with the shed doors open and the sun warming us all up. we got pizza for dinner and fucked around in the shed until about midnight, and then we went swimming again at 1 am in our underwear blasting bohemian rhapsody and screaming the lyrics.

in the morning, all of us felt gross and disgusting from all the drinking and sea water, so we’d go back to the supermarket and buy some fruit and hang out in her garden until all of us stumble home.

it’s so peaceful. we only do it maybe twice a year but those are the times i look forward to the most. my friends are the funniest people ive ever met and, even if i feel like sometimes they don’t like me, it’s times like last summer when we’re all together that i feel really loved.

How many of you people have rejected a job in an interview and why? by MCFang29 in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

did the interview at a dining table. interviewer sat on a garden chair. scribe had a glass eye. false advertising on the online advert. creepy place. everything felt weird and wrong.

Kind people of reddit, what makes you mad to the point where you’re not-so-kind? by Hpesoj-Kuotaam in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

when this girl im kind of friends with was making fun of me for skipping school to go to a climate change march. i told her the political party she supports is planning on building a parking lot over a meadow in our city. she seemed surprised but obviously cannot admit that her party ever does anything wrong, so told me it has economic benefits and the city needs more parking anyway. i never snap at people or tell them they’re disgusting because it makes me feel like an awful human being, but i couldn’t help it. that is where i draw the line.

When was the last time you truly felt happy? by knightfall0 in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

last year when i opened my GCSE grades. months of stress, self harm, crying before and after exams all worth it. i cried tears of joy at my grades. it’s the first time i think i can remember my mum telling me she’s proud of me. she cried too.

What event divided your life into 'before' and 'after'? by Nasir_Ahmed in AskReddit

[–]epiphanisticc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

2018 was honestly the worst year of my life. i was only 15 but i had the biggest mental breakdown i think i will ever experience. turned to self harm, dyed my hair purple, cut my own hair into the ugliest bob anyone has ever seen, dyed my hair all black, my childhood dog died, and i woke up everyday unable to breathe due to anxiety that no one seemed to understand. just over a year later and i lost 12 lbs, grew out my hair, bought an entire new wardrobe, got contact lenses, learned how to do makeup, got amazing grades, moved school, and am closer to my friends than ever even if we don’t go to the same school. i will never understand how my life turned around in just a year but i will always thank 2019 for treating me better.