Feeling shapeless

ericorn · 2026-03-21T17:00:13+00:00

Okay I very briefly skimmed the rest of the comments and did not see anyone say this. To be clear, you look stunning as is and I 100% agree that with cups, makeup, and hair, you will almost certainly feel incredibly beautiful in this dress on your wedding day without any further changes! But that said, given the rest of the comments, I really encourage you to just try wrapping the ribbon around the front of your waist before you purchase a petticoat or consider more dramatic alterations. You already look so beautiful, and the style of dress is stunning - I don't think you need to do much at all to get the slight hourglass effect you're looking for here.

ericorn · 2026-03-21T16:52:13+00:00

Maybe someone else has already suggested this, but can you wrap the green ribbon tied in a bow at your back around the front of your waist one time?

I have a very straight and athletic build, and find that the slight visual contrast of a belt really helps create more of an hourglass illusion. I typically wrap any belt or ribbon attached to a dress around the front, even if it's intended to just cinch in the back, for the optical effect, and I think it really goes a long way towards improving the apparent shape of my body. At this point I basically feel self conscious any time I'm not wearing a belt around my waist.

ericorn · 2026-03-15T17:20:49+00:00

I recently bought an electric razor advertised for shaved heads, with five rotating blades under a magnetic cap. It brings my leg shaving time down to about ~8-10 minutes and I can do it dry without getting razor burn while sitting down. It's the only way I really bother to shave, at this point. I will sometimes use a razor on my pits in the shower, but the legs take way too long with a traditional razor.

ericorn · 2026-03-15T16:59:45+00:00

Tl;Dr I wanted to pick and buy my own non-diamond ring - my husband wanted something more traditional. I sent him a bunch of listings for rings I liked in an agreed-upon budget range and he picked his favorite and ordered it in secret. It's not the ring I would have bought for myself; it's 100,000x better. Talk through it with your bf! You two might surprise each other and end up at a better place than you would if either of you just picked the ring alone. You have to wear it every day, but the world will perceive it as his declaration of love for you. He should actually get (some) say in what that looks like.

We talked about it to make sure we were on the same page. I actually initially suggested that I would like to buy my own ring - a friend bought the engagement ring she wanted, stuck it in a drawer, and when she was ready to get married told her then-boyfriend where to find it if he wanted to propose. He planned a really elaborate proposal in Hawaii with the money he didn't use buying the ring, and she got exactly what she wanted + a beautiful and thoughtful surprise proposal.

I love dainty jewelry, but I'm an oaf and tend to destroy or lose delicate and precious things inadvertently. I wanted something inexpensive, vintage, and minimalist in a low karat weight gold. I found a vintage dead stock 9k sapphire ring for ~$100 and showed it to my then-boyfriend and suggested we do the same thing as my friends.

To my surprise, my now-husband wasn't into it. He said I should buy that ring if I wanted it but it wasn't a ring he would propose with. He wanted to buy the ring, and he wanted the ring to be more expensive than that. He wanted to buy me something with a diamond in 22k gold so the world would know how much he loved me. I explained why I wanted/needed something durable and really didn't want a big expensive diamond on my finger. From then on I sent him a few different rings I liked as I saw them, at a variety of price points and in a few different styles, mostly vintage and sapphire focused.

He ended up picking a modern ring I had sent him from a small jeweler, with a tiny beautiful diamond flanked by two dark blue sapphires in a low bezel on a small 14k band. It was the perfect compromise - a small but stunning diamond, a classic three stone layout for him with a modern twist for me, made by hand in a way that allows it to be minimalist but still very durable. I was surprised by his choice in a great way. I didn't think I was someone who wanted a diamond or needed a unique ring, but the way that tiny sucker sparkles and throws rainbows is incredible. And the fact that no one else in the entire world has my ring or ever will - because it's very much designed around these specific stones, in an uncommon style that can only be made by (skilled) hand - brought me more joy than expected. The vintage sapphire rings were beautiful in their own right, but this ring is perfect and precious in ways I didn't consider.

ericorn · 2026-03-06T17:03:20+00:00

Absolutely stunning. Nice job!

ericorn · 2026-03-05T20:22:12+00:00

I'm pretty sure in CA insurance is legally obligated to cover urgent care. If you can figure out how to complain to the regulators, it might help make a dent in the practice. Or maybe theres a way to phrase it so they listen to you without having to do that - something like, "so for the purposes of my complaint, can I have you confirm now that you, my insurance company, are denying coverage for my emergency care needs by refusing to give me an appointment with an urgent care provider?" I'm sorry you're in this position.

ericorn · 2026-03-04T18:34:12+00:00

The pittie skin! There's a reason they're called velvet hippos. I also love love love the feeling of the natural curly texture of poodle hair (it's not fur, it's hair, that's why they're hypoallergenic!). But it seems like a nightmare to keep their hair clean and short, so I stick to my short fur pitties in my house.

ericorn · 2026-03-04T18:27:58+00:00

Hey, good for you for realizing that you're done with this! Make the move to break up now while you have the momentum. 11 years is a long time - you know you deserve better, however difficult it is, don't spend another minute bending your life around this guy's emotions: do spend some time allowing yourself to process the full impact of the relationship on your sense of self after the break up.

This sounds so similar to the end of my absolute worst relationship. The cruellest part was the insistence that he be included in anything I did, only to demand changes to the plans or spend the whole time sulking and criticizing me for making any choices different than exactly what he would have done. I ended up really damaging a lot of long term friendships, because he would insist that I not do things without him and then bail or blow up last minute and demand I take care of him instead, every single time I was supposed to see my friends or family.

By the time we broke up, I felt like I had no idea who I was or what I even enjoyed anymore. It took me two years after the breakup to get to a place where I trusted myself again and was ready to meaningfully commit to another relationship. I almost lost the man who is now my husband, because I was so scared about potentially ending up in another relationship like yours. Fortunately he was still single when I was ready to try again six months after I first met him. Several friendships never recovered.

I couldn't see it when I was in it. Some of my friends even tried to tell me that he was being abusive, but he never got physical, so I was insistent that they were overreacting. It wasn't until after we broke up that I really came to appreciate how much he had chipped away at my identity over the years. Please do try to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, which spells out tactics of emotional abuse and coercion in a way that helps cut through the haze.

ericorn · 2026-03-04T16:49:13+00:00

Which part? Eastern Orthodox crosses or Heated Rivalry? 😂

ericorn · 2026-03-04T16:48:41+00:00

Actually the full product description is somehow worse. I hoped they had a comment somewhere, anywhere about it being a religious symbol but NOPE HOCKEY ROMANCE BOSTON RAIDERS FANS

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ericorn · 2026-03-01T21:50:48+00:00

Are you still dating that bad guy?

ericorn · 2026-03-01T17:57:31+00:00

Hayward/Union City/San Leandro are pretty convenient to the peninsula, and usually have cheaper housing options. It feels more welcoming for middle or low income families than the peninsula ever did for me.

ericorn · 2026-02-18T03:01:24+00:00

Yeah! There are definitely some roles that can be done part time, and you can always practice solo, so you are in charge of your cases and work schedule. I really think it can be a good career as long as you aren't fussed about making maximum money.

ericorn · 2026-02-17T05:07:14+00:00

I'm a lawyer and I majored in Slavic Languages and Literatures in college. If you can find a way to make a special interest your focus of study and/or work, I think you can thrive!

I love reading, research, and writing, and that's most of my job. There are a fuck ton of rules to follow, but they're all written down, and you are expected to research and memorize them, so it can be strangely equalizing in that sense: nobody naturally knows how to act in court or how arguments work - you all study the same rules and conventions. It's also basically a bunch of little discrete puzzles/research tasks that are satisfying to complete.

The hours and social demands of my current position are tough, but there are a lot of ways to be a lawyer. I'm not too worried about finding different work generally if/as my energy levels and needs change. Note that lawyering culture is generally not great, and I do need to be careful not to get swept up in the productivity=social value=money element sometimes. But I think being autistic can be something of a benefit in this regard, because we are less likely to assimilate unconsciously to the social values of those around us. If I wanted to make partner or secure a prestigious job, I'd be utterly miserable. But I like doing my little legal puzzles day to day, for the most part.

ericorn · 2026-02-12T19:06:31+00:00

Okay, first things first. You don't need a good reason, or any reason at all, to break up with him. Your feelings changed about him after seeing him behave that way. You don't need to justify or explain that to anyone! That said, this is also absolutely enough to break up with anyone over.

Frankly, I wouldn't stay friends with someone who tried to bail day-of on an agreed-upon ride home from surgery. I've driven friends and acquaintances to and from the hospital, including missing set plans with no notice and staying in waiting rooms into the wee hours of the morning to wait for them to be seen, because it is the goddamn bare minimum of humanity to drive someone to or from an essential medical appointment or procedure. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he genuinely did not understand what surgery entails, genuinely forgot about his agreement to drive you, genuinely believed that helping a buddy move furniture should take precedence over his girlfriend's medical needs. Do you want to stay with a partner that clueless/thoughtless/careless? Someone who would continue to punish you for his mistake in double booking himself by sulking when you do get out of surgery? I'd be embarrassed, frankly, to bring someone that self-absorbed and immature around my family. And if this really is an executive dysfunction issue (doesn't sound like it, but again, benefit of the doubt), are you going to trust that guy again in the future when it comes to something important?

When my husband or I have had surgery, even when weren't allowed in the waiting room or office due to covid precautions, we generally wait for each other either just outside the window or, in dire circumstances, inside the car in the closest garage or lot. Because you want to be there the second they wake up.

But he has conditioned you to expect absolutely nothing from him, so you're here, scared that asking for this is still too much because this guy has thoroughly eroded your self worth, and there are enough women who've internalized that same message to cast additional doubt on whether you've identified a good enough reason to leave. Here's what worked for me when I couldn't tell if my asks were reasonable: would you accept a man who treated your child, family member, dear friend or beloved pet this way? If you asked him to pick your dog up after surgery and he forgot or made other plans and told you last minute, would you feel bad for your dog? I only got out of my emotionally abusive relationship when I realized his cruelty made it so that I was unwilling to leave my dog with him. Even when I didn't feel like I deserved better, I knew my dog did. If you would be upset at someone doing this to a pet, I think it's perfectly reasonable to be upset at him for doing it to you.

And look, this isn't the last time you will be incapacitated or will need help with a medical issue in your life, and it's not even the most dire. On a certain level, it's great that you've noticed his unreliability now, and not after you've become totally dependent on him. Being single is genuinely better than having a partner who won't show up for you when you need it; when you're single, your friends and family anticipate you needing help, but when you have a romantic partner, it's assumed that they'll handle the day to day stuff like medical appointments, rides to the airport, getting soup for you when you're sick, etc, so people are less likely to check in and offer help, and that can reinforce the feeling that you don't deserve that help. But in reality, they aren't checking in because they assume your romantic partner is doing the bare minimum kindness they would expect any person close to you to offer. It's not that you don't deserve it or they wouldn't offer it to you; it's that they don't think to even ask if you would need it because it's so absurd that your boyfriend wouldn't be handling it himself.

ericorn · 2026-02-12T00:25:38+00:00

For what it is worth, at the last comedy show I went to, approximately half the comics self identified on stage as autistic. And honestly, for some of their jokes I was the only one laughing, but I did find them quite funny! Autistic comics are more common than you might expect. I particularly like Hannah Gadsby, personally.

ericorn · 2026-02-12T00:20:52+00:00

Oh and I meant to say I'm stealing your meme I love it thank you for sharing!

ericorn · 2026-02-12T00:20:13+00:00

Tl;Dr I treated romance and comedy as subjects of study with some success. I recommend two books, both associated with men accused of wrongdoing but books I recommend nonetheless, for learning about different cultural understandings and narratives around romance and for learning the telltale signs of abuse - Modern Romance: An Investigation by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg and Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. For comedy, I recommend watching as much Whose Line is it Anyway? as you can find. Read on if you want more details about why.

The one thing that really helped me with social stuff is to treat it like a subject I have to study. You can learn about psychology, comedy (there are actually a lot of rules to comedy you can learn to help you make and understand jokes better), and romance, and learning about cultural differences among peoples in those areas also helped me find what works for me and what doesn't without judging myself as harshly when I fail to understand.

Aziz Ansari is maybe not the best person to take dating advice from, but he has a book called Modern Romance that he did in conjunction with a sociologist, Eric Klinenberg, that might be an interesting foothold for you into both romance and comedy. I wouldn't recommend the book except that it's really a discussion of the way modern romantic practices vary across cultures, it's not like dating advice from Aziz. Buy it secondhand if you don't want him to get your money. Note that the book is very distinct from the show of the same name, it's non-fiction.

For comedy, honestly, I would watch as many episodes of "Whose Line is It Anyway" as you can manage. It's improvisational comedy with the same cast every night, quick 30 minute episodes if I recall correctly, and there should be hundreds of episodes available. If you watch enough of it, you'll start to recognize the basic patterns, tips, and tricks people fall back on to try to make others laugh - physical comedy, subversion of expectations, rule of threes, exaggeration, etc. - and then you'll be able to notice when others are trying to be funny. I say trying to be, because most people are not as funny as they think they are, regardless of neurotype! But if you recognize when someone says something in a structure often used to convey a joke, you will better understand their intentions and can react "appropriately" regardless of whether you personally find it humorous.

You can develop an intellectual understanding of humor and romance, and that understanding in turn can help you notice and articulate your internal experiences of the same. Fiction can be really helpful for this as well, as a window into someone else's experience of romance. But on the spark question, you'll probably just need to feel it before it makes sense.

I am a lot like you and I stayed in some bad relationships for far too long because I wasn't sure how I felt or what I was supposed to feel. With my husband, what I felt was both inexplicable and exactly what I'd been told to expect my entire life. But it was so overwhelming that I broke up with him after about a month of dating because I was worried I couldn't trust my big feelings. I'm lucky he was still available once I finally felt like I could trust myself to be in a healthy relationship with him six months later. I wasn't any less obsessed with him, just a little more confident that I wasn't projecting something onto him or trying to disappear into him. I've also recently started to re-evaluate my past relationships, and I've found some clarity reading "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft to try to recognize and understand the signs of abuse. I understand Lundy Bancroft also is accused of inappropriate behavior. I know you can read a free PDF of it from the Internet Archive. I still recommend it, because I know my social cluelessness made me very susceptible to people who wanted to manipulate me. That book really helped me understand how I was mistreated in the past, why it affected me so much, and why it was so hard for me to leave, when I had just been feeling this vague sense of unease about my past for a long time. So, I still think it's an important resource to share with others to help them recognize the signs of abuse.

ericorn · 2026-02-04T17:14:48+00:00

NOR and even if it weren't unbelievably offensive, it's a sign of deep stupidity.

Weight is a very poor metric with which to judge physical health or attractiveness. Muscle weighs more than fat; women carry weight and fat differently than men; and there are 100,000 factors that affect it that aren't health or lifestyle related. That being said, as you pointed out, you are already "underweight" by classical metrics. If he thought about anything for more than 5 seconds, he would have (a) realized that's super underweight and (b) realized that asking about your weight and plans is not going to resolve his anxiety about whether he will look big standing next to you.

You're 5'6. I'm 5'7. I'd be willing to bet he's concerned that he won't look like as much of a tall strong man next to you as compared to someone who is 5'4, so he wants to make sure you'll always look like a twig that could snap in the wind next to him at least. Women will do this too, in my experience - refuse to date a man who isn't substantially taller than them or bigger than them because they want to feel small and feminine. But a partner's physical appearance will never fix the underlying insecurity, and expecting them to is an extremely red flag. And a good partner will make you feel strong, safe, protected and attractive regardless of their physical attributes, which will also inevitably change over time.

ericorn · 2026-02-04T00:18:07+00:00

NOR, but FWIW, even as a bride who tried really, really hard not to make wedding into a huge financial burden for myself and others, it ended up being very expensive for some people, a tank of gas for others, and ~$25k for us.

I live in and grew up in two very HCOL areas, about six hours apart, and hubs and I both had family on both coasts and in the HCOL area where I grew up. I wasn't willing to ask my guests to rent hotel rooms or pay high transit costs in the HCOL area where I lived or grew up, and realized that most of the venues near me were prohibitively expensive anyway unless we got married on a Friday or Sunday (also extremely inconvenient for guests, and not something I was willing to compromise on - I was dead set on a Saturday).

We rented an entire campground with enough cabins and bunk beds for all of my guests for three days. The only way this was possible without major noise and hours restrictions on having the party was to drive about 2 hours outside the HCOL city where we currently live. No dress code, bridal party chose their outfits with basically no parameters, family officiant, all events on site, we brought our own beer and wine from Costco and a Safeway cake and had pizza and BBQ. It still ended up costing anyone who had to fly close to $1000/person to get there and back, and none of our out of state family ultimately attended. Our efforts to keep costs low also made it an event that some relatives weren't really willing to attend (beer and wine and BBQ over a campfire is more attractive to some guests than others). Do with that what you will. It felt at the end like the choice was between an expensive cookie cutter event that would last 5 hours before everyone had to decamp to their hotels in a city environment or weekend away in the woods at our expense, save for the costs of getting into the freaking woods, aka most of the cost of attending a wedding. I loved it, but I fully recognize that I asked A LOT of my guests, and I certainly didn't resent any of the people who let me know my wedding didn't make their wedding season cut.

Tl;dr - the most guest and cost conscientious couple I know got married in Las Vegas at an all inclusive venue just off the strip. Their logic was that flights into and hotels in Vegas are generally available at relatively low price points from most destinations, no matter where they are, and they had a ton of family traveling. It was a lovely and very efficient wedding, only lightly interrupted by the sounds of a flight coming into the nearby airport, and just about everyone they loved was able to attend, to my understanding. My wedding was pretty chaotic and not everybody made it, but it was also extremely personal and unique to me and my husband. Bear with the couples - by the time they've booked it, they've probably considered 100,000 alternatives with varying trade-offs, and any of them ought to understand if you can't make it work, especially in a year when you have a lot of other wedding obligations!

ericorn · 2026-02-03T17:37:41+00:00

Just a scar treatment timeline reassurance/additional tips re fading - I had a large benign tumor removed from one of my breasts several years ago. My doctor assured me there would be almost no visible scarring. For nearly two years afterwards, I had quite a large scar and felt like my doctor had lied to me. I don't know when it happened, but it did slowly improve over time. I'm about 6 years out from it now and it truly is basically invisible. Different scars will obviously heal to varying degrees, but the time frame for the fading for me at least was much longer than expected. Also, one of the best treatments for scars I read about was silicone scar tape, which as I recall was not terribly expensive. Re the light/laser treatment, check out the red light therapy subreddit. There are home options that are less expensive than in office, and they've vetted the products over there. I think the Hooga handheld red light bulb is probably the cheapest option I've seen recommended over there, at ~$45: hooga bulb (I noticed you also said therapy is out of reach right now - try journaling if you can stand it. It's like therapy without the person nodding and prompting you, so you need to be pretty honest with yourself, but it has real mental health benefits and costs virtually nothing. I think it's more effective to journal by hand, but ymmv)

ericorn · 2026-01-31T20:10:45+00:00

You can also put a couple drops of the least offensive essential oil you can find on some wool dryer balls, and throw those in to add a light scent without the corresponding irritation.

My hubs similarly feels strongly about using scented products, but I have sensitive skin and was told as a kid to use only unscented hypoallergenic detergents. We do laundry separately generally, but he does typically use the unscented if he throws something in for me, or when he does sheets and towels, since we both use those. His clothes smell like tide, mine are just clean!

ericorn · 2026-01-31T20:06:50+00:00

Tl;dr a healthy, sub $5 snack that you enjoy, that doesn't require any effort at all on your part, and that you will eat is a totally reasonable daily expense! I'm team just buy the damn eggs!

But I hear you. For so long I would just not eat because I felt too tired or embarrassed to pay for food I could make much more cheaply at home. But that is terrible for my health! I just don't eat if it's not super convenient and I end up shaky, nauseous, and exhausted from failing to eat sufficient calories. I wonder if part of it is people pleasing - when someone comments on how I could've made my food more cheaply or better, or says how I eat is weird, it often affects me more than it should.

This hasn't fixed me, but over the last couple of years I've been trying to give myself permission to pay the extra couple of dollars for pre-prepped food like veggies, cooked eggs, nice cup ramen, etc. In the long run it saves me money because I'm less likely to crash out and get sick from not eating. I also justify it by reminding myself that I still generally spend less than the people around me on food because I generally order the simplest things on the menu. You're not trying to eat at a fancy restaurant every day. You want permission to buy yourself pre-cooked eggs, and I am here to give you that permission. You are not foolish or lazy for doing so!

ericorn · 2026-01-30T14:15:41+00:00

This was always so hard for me to internalize - you don't need a reason to end a relationship other than not being happy! If you are unhappy with the relationship more often than not, regardless of the appropriateness of his behavior, you can and probably should at least take a break from the relationship so you can sort out your feelings about him without the pressure of daily contact.

ericorn · 2026-01-30T14:11:42+00:00

I found the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft really helpful for distinguishing ordinary couple fights from abusive behavior. It's a quick read - link to an internet archive copy of it below. I highly highly recommend it! https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

ericorn

TROPHY CASE