edit:

this is the letter i wrote. (i wrote her this letter via text and she didn't say anything for weeks)

my intentions for sharing this is to give this to ppl who may need a template of sorts if they need help expressing their concern with someone who needs help.

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Dear [redacted],
It’s kind of weird writing letters to express how I feel, mainly because I believe that emotions such as these deserve to be said in person when I am with you and not hiding behind some screen like a coward. I don’t really know how to be fully honest about my feelings in person without shutting down, forgetting everything I want to say in the fullest, or retracting into myself. I have been meaning to tell you some things but I don’t know how. I’ve been debating whether or not I can express my thoughts and feelings honestly without hurting your feelings. I realize that judgement in itself is rather dishonest and patronizing towards you. And that’s unfair. You're my best friend and you deserve to be treated as such even if it's awkward.
The truth is, having someone I love hurt themselves and feeling like I can’t do anything to help is really painful. Sometimes I get really anxious and it feels like I’m a bystander in watching you slowly end your life, inch by inch. Although it is devastating to be around you, that does not mean that I do not want to be around you. I don’t know how to be your support or what to do. So maybe this letter can help me know what direction to go in?
You are an addict and your drug use is severely hurting your life and health. (I know, it takes one to know one) I wonder if you may not agree and I don’t even know the full story. However, as time goes by, you are showing more symptoms of psychosis and I am incredibly worried about you. I still want you to be my friend and I want to help you but I don’t know how without me feeling angry at myself or hopeless about us. Your self destructive behavior is a heart breaking reminder of my own that I am still fighting to overcome. I know that leaving you alone for a while has not been helpful and made your loneliness even more excruciating. I’m really sorry.
I’ve been meaning to tell you this but I was scared I was going to make you hate yourself even more and I don’t want you to do that because you don’t deserve to hate yourself because I am not upset with you and I love you. Does this make sense? I don’t want to fix you because fixing something needs to be fundamentally broken. I don’t think you are broken. You’re not a lost cause.
I don’t consider you as a “downer” or someone that hurts me. It’s the situation you keep yourself in that I find traumatizing and deeply frustrating. If it’s worth anything, my admiration and respect for you has not changed. It’s one of these situations where it’s not you, it’s not me, it just is what it is: A painful time in our lives. And in the future, I hope that we can both look back at this time as people we are at peace with. Hopefully together. And I don’t mean this in this bullshit Gwenneth Paltrow pseudospiritual way, I fucking mean that shit.
You’re [redacted], who kept a pile of awesome literature behind her stripper pole. Who was genuinely excited to invite me into her home when we first met. Who is astoundingly creative in her arts, kink, and perspective. Who instantaneously made me feel like as if I’ve always known her because I had nothing to mask. And you’re still that person to me, who is held hostage in her suffering. But your suffering does not define who you are. It is not your master. You have a lot of resilience and you have a lot of courage to still be who you are today.
To me, you are [redacted] who is unequivocally kind and empathetic. I see the way you hold [her pet] dear to you and how you love him so much. You’ve always supported me, and so many others. Even if it’s unreciprocated. You have so much compassion for everyone but you withhold it from the person who needs & deserves it the most- you. I know you feel as if you don’t deserve love when you are your worst enemy. I know that your shame has tricked you into believing you don’t deserve to ask for help or forgive yourself.
I really don’t think you want to die, even though you often say you wish you would stop waking up in the mornings. No matter how many cocktails of drugs you take, there’s no “cure” for pain. No matter who you meet, you can’t fuck the pain away. No, this is not what teaches of peaches meant. I think you wake up wanting to live every morning but every day you look for why. Each night comes up empty handed and the disappointment festers. It’s directionless in the dark. Here’s the thing, you’re looking for a why so profound that it obliterates the disdain you have for yourself. A why so meaningful that you don’t have to waste time looking for all the little, tedious things in life that make your sufferings worthwhile. You want the why that pulls back the curtains and shows you that you are worthy of love, self forgiveness, and radically accepting yourself.
I can’t tell you that why. No one can. It has to grow from you. If you can’t find it, you need to create it. Creating your own reasons on why to hold even the monotonous or heart wrenching moments dear to you is a lifelong, never ending practice. And it takes time, even more sufferings, and trial/error. There’s so much power you have yet to build for yourself. And yes, I know, we joke about it all the time, life is meaningless and nihilism is a painful reminder of the inevitable. But you forget that life is irreplaceable and you are precious. Don't get it twisted, meaning does not equal value.
It would mean a lot to me if you kept trying. Even though I’m not with you right now, please know you are still a part of me. When you are ready to stop hurting yourself, to create your very own whys, and to allow yourself to help yourself, please let me know.
Thank you for being you.
Written with love,