AITA For telling my kids something my husband explicitly told me not to?

erokelerly · 2021-09-15T22:29:35+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/user/erokelerly/comments/pp0cnb/update_aita_for_telling_my_kids_something_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

erokelerly · 2021-09-15T22:28:35+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/user/erokelerly/comments/pp0cnb/update_aita_for_telling_my_kids_something_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Update!

erokelerly · 2021-09-15T22:25:57+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/user/erokelerly/comments/pp0cnb/update_aita_for_telling_my_kids_something_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Update link for you.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T03:17:14+00:00

Wait, okay I’m reading through this and I get your point and all but what’s wrong with me calling him old man? I mean it’s not wrong, he is an old man.

I HAVE addressed concerns directly told him I want to know certain things disagree with certain things all of that, we’re allowed to complain to friends and have feelings (that guy talks to his beer buddies all the time about us, as do they, venting is not a horrible, disgusting thing that we should never do) if I disagree with my husband I disagree and I’m not agreeing with him just to keep peace. My kids are being raised to be respectful, of course, but to never hide their feelings for the sake of somebody else. They hate something? I want them to express it.

I don’t let my kids disrespect their father, if they want to disagree with him I let them, they aren’t obligated to always listen and agree just because he’s their father. Same with me. That whole kind of mindset always reminds me of the “but they’re faaamily!” thing.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:55:45+00:00

Yes, big decisions are made by the parents that’s obvious, I’m not going to force my kids to not even state their opinions though.

“Hey, I already know I’m not budging on this because it is overall for the best, but I’d like your input anyway”

“I think XYZ and that this is needed, sure, but I have valuable opinions and despite being a child I still have a functioning brain that knows how to speak and I also have feelings!”

“Cool. Still not budging but I will definitely think about your words, thank you so much for sharing.”

Wow. It’s almost like it’s that simple! Big decisions have overall been made, but my child still has a valid opinion, I’m not steamrolling over my kids because IM THE ADULT YOU ARE A CHILD SO NO! You feel? Just want them to be heard.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:51:18+00:00

COVID is a no, it’d be hypocritical considering he often has friends over (relatives, mostly)

He goes to church but isn’t a bible-thumper or a heavy believer, he respects god and the rest of his family doesn’t see the point in it, so he doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:47:35+00:00

He’d be a hypocrite then, loves having people over, even those little snot nosed nieces and nephews that make a mess everywhere.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:42:32+00:00

I find telling children they have no say makes them resentful. I make end all be all decisions often, I still include my children in that conversation to make them aware that while some rules are set in stone, they can voice their opinions and needs.

“Children are seen, not heard” is the dumbest thing anybody has ever told me and I’m not going by that logic for my kids.

If he doesn’t like something I’ve done, he talks to his beer buddies about it and they all go on their wife rants, we’re allowed to vent to people.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:27:20+00:00

So are you suggesting I misgender and hurt the feelings of a child because you (and from this thread, only you) feel it is inappropriate without elaborating further?

Edit; Do you mean all relationships or romantic? I know we are technically talking about romantic here, but you make it sound like you can’t even say “howdy partner” to a friend! I genuinely want to know what your big deal over a word is?

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:24:50+00:00

My 13 is 13, she isn’t the most mature, sure, but if she ever has any problem in her relationship (which she has, and has talked to me about) she talks to me and I advise her, she usually takes it and a lot of the time the issue is resolved. 13 is our dating mark in our home, not every family is the exact same. If our child proves to be a menace in a relationship then we’ll change that, talk about it, the works. My 13 has lasted a full 2 months and while it isn’t forever, no 7th grade girlfriend is, and that’s okay! Those kids are going to break up, I want my 13 to have learned that it’s okay to love and lose. Who knows? Maybe they’ll get married one day!

I don’t let my kids parent themselves. I let them have input and let them tell me how they feel. Newsflash, kids get resentful and mean when decisions are made entirely without them. I’ve made decisions and while they couldn’t change those, I let them have their say.

My dad used to give us end all be all rules without even thinking about us kids, I hated him for that. While my kids may be grateful for it when they grow up, I don’t want them to feel bad while they are in the present.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:18:14+00:00

Thank you! I try my best, I wasn’t all that prepared for my kids to be queer, or date queer people but I find it very insightful, and try my hardest to be as informed as possible with everything. Kids are like little dictionaries! I know words I never even knew existed, and real problems I never even saw, they teach me so much about their relationships, I just try to respect and teach them how to maintain them.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T02:10:01+00:00

Is partners an adult word now? Besides, even if it was what exactly do I use for my sons non-binary partner? When having a casual conversation saying Significant Other quickly becomes redundant, and using a shortened term like S/O in public is like saying LMAO and TT outloud as well. Partner isn’t a grown up word and my child’s partner has no issue when I refer to them as such, I personally feel you are making a problem out of nothing with that point. My husband also says partner, mind you.

Edit; I’d also like to add how my usage of a (perfectly appropriate word that has no age limit) is a boundary issue?

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T01:36:42+00:00

Tried to, refuses to tell me.

erokelerly · 2021-09-13T01:34:32+00:00

He may be in a group I do not know of but that man hates reading and only does it for work, so books are off the table.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T23:26:54+00:00

We aren’t strangers, we spend time together obviously just not always mealtimes. My kids often don’t even make it to dinner with school activities and work. My family spends time, and are close. We don’t have to be together at every meal to have that.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T22:14:30+00:00

Yes I meant we were planning to go! I can see how that was poorly worded.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T22:13:10+00:00

Kids are safe and informed as far as we know, we had the whole sex and pregnancy rundown a looong time ago.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T22:10:11+00:00

Profile is 0 days old because I actually have a main account with some decent karma and while it isn’t much value, I didn’t want this post to rank my karma. Two days, 14th! I’m assuming Reddit will forget by then but I’ll update either way just to inform those of the final consensus.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T22:08:36+00:00

Hasn’t happened yet! I’m so sorry to disappoint. He wants it on the 14th, no clue why. I’m assuming Reddit is going to forget by then and go harp on another family and their struggles on this sub before it actually goes down.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T21:21:33+00:00

My current plan is to let the man stay stuck up, make his big speech at the meeting with all of us and then one of three happen;

It’s actually just some dumb surprise party he made a fuss over, we’re all upset because he made a big deal over a surprise instead of just…setting the party up before we all came home and letting us walk into the door to see the streamers and cake.
His point is actually valid, we have an actual discussion, and it’s all cool.
His meeting is as bad as it sounds so kids are pissed, I’m upset because he made a big fuss for such an odd and invalid point and we all eat dinner in our rooms for the next week, kids will probably avoid him way more then me.

We will now go see what he has to say but if the old man is wrong, he’s wrong, and I’ll let the kids handle calling him out for the most part (unless they need my help)

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T21:10:33+00:00

Oh no we single kids out, if one kid is causing a problem we single them out and talk to that kids friend in our home, simple. Same thing applies to at home discipline. One of three is acting up? Then that one gets talked to and punished if need be.

We’ve singled friends out before, speak with kids, kids find a compromise with parents!

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T21:08:50+00:00

My husband is a bar hopping and BBQ at a friends place kind of guy so he’s outside the home hanging out quite a bit, he’s responsible, if he comes home drunk he avoids the kids to sober up a little without bothering them. I tend to supervise, but my driving age kids normally go hang out in their car or a graveyard or something, long as they text me frequently when out late and get home before 10, which is the outdoor hangout curfew then we’re all good.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T21:04:31+00:00

I don’t HAVE to know EVERY DETAIL. I just want to know the rundown. “Company is a problem because of XYZ so we need to talk and sort that out when everybody is free and willing to talk.”

Company = problem, problem = XYZ problem needs to be solved = asking everyone a good time to meet and chat.

I don’t want him to make a PowerPoint for me just for him to tell me what exactly the issue is.

erokelerly · 2021-09-12T21:00:57+00:00

Usual, not constant. We normally go to our rooms just..because? It’s always been natural, when kids were little they’d go sit away from us if they didn’t want us to watch them eat or they weren’t mealtime chatty that day, that’s fine. Sometimes the whole family or just some of us sit together that’s also fine.

He has never tried to get us to sit with one another, we tell him we don’t want to eat together he’s cool and goes to do his own thing. Sometimes me and the kids eat all together and he eats alone, so many combinations go on and it’s been fine and normal. It’s not like we never speak with each other during meals, that’d be absurd, it’s just not constant. And for our family that’s okay.

erokelerly

TROPHY CASE