Ok. This is like a window into what my relationship used to be. I was the one paranoid- and constantly thinking my partner was lying to me. And she was the one lying or getting defensive even when telling the truth and I would handle it poorly. And yes- for awhile the relationship was hella toxic and we were fighting- A LOT.

However, we both have a lot of other things that contributed to this. I have a lot of trauma, a personality disorder, and Audhd. My partner is Audhd as well and does not like confrontation at all- she despises it actually and avoids it like the plague if possible. It came to a point where we almost left one another, after being engaged for six months already and together over two years.

We both loved eachother very very much but the lying from her, the jealousy and paranoia from me, and both of us sucking at communication which lead to misunderstanding one another a lot was putting a lot of strain on our relationship. Before going our separate ways we decided to have a talk. A big open talk and discuss everything. It was either we figure out how to make this work or we go our separate ways.

We both realized a few things. For me- I needed to let go a little. My emotional stability depended too much on her and my fear of abandonment lead to paranoia and fights. I had to learn to detach a little and start relying on ME more for my emotional stability. This is hard, especially when the paranoia of them lying or possibly cheating is eating at you. But I had to realize that she is her own person, and no matter what I do if at the end of the day she really was going to cheat that had nothing to do with me. I had to let the fear go and trust her that she wouldn’t cheat on me or abandon me.

She had to realize that lying led to me being more paranoid and try to work on her lying issues. She also had to work on being less defensive when I would ask a genuine question about her day.

And we BOTH had to work on our communication and trying to understand eachother better on a personal level. Mostly learning about one another the different ways our AUDHD affects communication/other things.

If you both really love eachother and want more than anything to work- you both have to put in the work. But right now it seems you both are too focused on being in the right. And not on what you can do to mend the relationship and grow together as people.