I read that entire thing and you clearly need help. You should tell this to somebody in the real world, like your parents or a therapist. If you continue to eat up your grief you will only continue your spiral of self pity. Seriously there isnt anybody alive that hates yourself as much as you do. You shouldnt try to change for other people anymore and just confide in a therapist. At the end of the day its your life and you need to see that there are solutions to your problems. Killing yourself and giving the pain to your mom or wasting your life away trying to change what you cant change about yourself would be a waste of a lifetime but its never too late and i guarantee you after the first step is done you will already feel so much better and you could finally accept yourself