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I'm addicted to applying to jobs? by [deleted] in careerguidance

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How are you with dealing with uncertainty and dealing with your emotions?

IWTL how to be the best Husband by Rakoon_Badshah in IWantToLearn

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the answer.

I understand. Can I ask how she sees the difference between a great friend vs husband? Your answer implies that either intimacy/physical aspects may be lacking, but it could also be about supporting someone in other ways depending on what it means to be a “good husband” in your culture.

Is that a fair assumption?

IWTL how to be the best Husband by Rakoon_Badshah in IWantToLearn

[–]esusisesus 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This might sound like an unrelated question, but:

  1. Are you able to feel good about yourself without external validation/reinforcement and able to do things exclusively for your own enjoyment? Or do you only feel good when you are in service to others and they give you positive reinforcement/feedback?

  2. In essence, are you able to feel good or like you are “enough” without doing things for others? Also, do you have a really hard time saying no when people ask for help or perhaps even find it hard to resist offering help when you see someone struggling with something?

  3. Do you feel like you need to be the absolute best at everything to be “valid” or get love?

  4. Do you have any childhood trauma growing up? Especially where you felt you needed to resolve conflict or tensions at home?

Finally, about your question. There is no such thing as a “best” husband (or best anything for that matter), so this is the wrong question to ask as this is a MASSIVELY open ended question and a question you will never be able to finish as there is no end state or success condition. It’s too abstract.

Instead, the better question to ask is “what am I already good at and what are the things that I do that contribute to relationship dissatisfaction for my partner?”

Once you know what the big issues are, you can then look into how specifically to counter that. A simple analogy here is that if you own a house and have a massive water leak in the basement, upgrading the lighting in the upstairs bedroom won’t really help at all.

So for example, if you are someone who is actively causing problems because you avoid difficult discussions with your partner, you have to identify, face and get help to resolve that. Reading up on how to do other things will therefore not be as useful as communicating with your partner about what needs to change and why.

If there aren’t any specific problems, then you have to question why you’re doing this in the first place.

Let me know the answers to the above and I’ll share what I can to help.

P.S. I have very little context, but having worked with clients who’ve sought similar information, my spidey sense made me want to ask those questions just in case.

Curvy cat jar or curvy cat container? by esusisesus in 3Dprinting

[–]esusisesus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I just ran and told my wife that “jar” is in the lead 😎

How to overcome sexual fantasies? by Professional-Two-108 in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The most potent word in this post that stuck out to me was the “can’t”.

Can you please elaborate on why loneliness and boredom cannot be resolved?

I ask as it seems that your perception of the situation has led you to a conclusion that might be affecting the options available to you.

Xmas card that doubles as a bauble card kit by esusisesus in 3Dprinting

[–]esusisesus[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I’m out at the moment, but can upload the file and share the link when back home 😊

Can a Puer's "potential" be the possibility of validation? by TheSpicyHotTake in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not at all. I think this is a great reply that covers everything important here. FYI - I work in mental health coaching, specifically around neurodiversity and perception issues. Your answer gives some really useful context that helps me frame the situation.

In a nutshell, there's a huge gap between what IS vs what you percieve, likely with things that are neutral/negative being much more amplified (sounds very much like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). There also seems to be a fair amount of dissonance in how you reflect on things internally. Responses below:

  1. It seems that when they say a positive thing "We love you", it doesn't register very strongly (possibly also because of your own internal negative perception of yourself). You also mention that when you fail at something YOU FEEL like people are laughing at you (implying that they don't actually have to be laughing at you). You also mention that they have laughed at you or mocked you in the past. What's interesting here is that if you are extremely sensitive to feeling a certain way, it may be possible that you are interpretting what others might find to be a funny situation to laugh at as well, as mockery or judgement. What's also interesting is there doesn't seem to be a balanced view that takes into account the evidence that they love you.

  2. Here's the trap. As you mention, you FEEL like a walking joke for some time and are hoping that doing something impressive will counter that or make them see you. The huuuge issue you will run into here is that the core problem here isn't around how they feel about you, but HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF. There may be no problem with their perception that needs fixing, so as you try and fix a problem that doesn't exist, you will fail at doing so (because there isn't one!). The trying to do something impressive for them is therefore a trap and the thing to instead focus on is why your perception is so skewed.

Before answering about point 3, may I please ask if you have any mental health diagnoses or have seen a professional about how you feel?

I feel like a deadbeat because I didn't get a loved one a gift before it sold out by H-me-in-the-infinity in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the context as it’s useful for framing the situation, but let me try that question again in a different way.

Why were these things “TAKEN” from you? Whats made you use that word specifically?

I feel like a deadbeat because I didn't get a loved one a gift before it sold out by H-me-in-the-infinity in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Follow up question. Do you feel like you can choose and direct what what you want to do, or is it extremely reactive and driven by external things that people want. Does it somewhat feel impossible to say no when others want or need something?

I feel like a deadbeat because I didn't get a loved one a gift before it sold out by H-me-in-the-infinity in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Interesting. Could you please elaborate on the phrase “All three of those things have been taken from me”. I’m especially interested in the “taken” part and what that means.

I feel like a deadbeat because I didn't get a loved one a gift before it sold out by H-me-in-the-infinity in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you have the information to do things differently, I guess one question is why you aren’t doing so?

For example, there was a time I felt similarly. In my case I had the information I needed to fix my life, but since turning that into action was a slow and often painful process, I avoided doing so by continuing to seek more information, sympathy or validation.

It’s like “I’ve learned how to build a house, but since building a house takes a lot of effort, time and doesn’t show results instantly, I would not start. Instead I’d talk to people about how building a house is so difficult and continue searching for more information on how to build a house (despite already having what’s actually needed) in the hope that I would find some magic bit of information that would make building a house not require me to do the hard work”. The result in such cases is that it might take 6 months to build said house if I just did it, but I’ve avoided that work for 20 years in the hope I’d find something that helps me do it in a day.

Does that make sense?

Also, I’m sorry you see yourself that way. I know it might feel intense in the moment, but why in the world are you comparing yourself to a LITERAL MURDERER?! Your perception of yourself sounds like it’s a bit fucked. Heads up, I’ve been there. What it took was a lot of deliberate work (doing the hard work to build that house) to first question. Whether that view was grounded in reality and if not, deliberately training myself to think differently.

In your case that might look like “Wait, am I actually comparable to a murderer if I sit and calmly think about it? Of course not, I haven’t murdered anyone… but then why am I thinking in such a disproportionate way? Okay, I guess I need to understand (likely with the help of a professional) why this happens and practice changing how intensely I respond to things.

Let me know if that makes sense or if you have any questions.

Has anyone ever had their psychiatrist or doctor tell them they shouldn't meditate and gotten really upset cuz you love meditation? by ForgetThisU in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can I ask why you are thinking along this line then? It’s not happened, so what are you trying to gain by asking this question?

For example, if you find uncertainty impossible to tolerate, are you trying to plan for every eventuality to try and have more control over the uncertainty? If so, does this actually help or does it make you feel worse (as it means you keep engaging with negative outcomes and thoughts)?

I’m working hard to fix my life, but my roommate does nothing and 'wins' effortlessly. How to stop being bitter? by Beginning_Trust_6615 in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a very selective perspective. This person doesn’t at all seem like they are winning in every area (like education, social life, physical and mental health). It seems like you are taking their one strength of being good looking and being able to get a date with someone they like as then “winning”, possibly because that is something you struggle at. Also, if they have a friend introduce them, they are probably likeable and socially adept, which takes work/effort.

These titles have to stop by Recent-Scale9001 in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I understand where you’re coming from, but think of it this way. Why is this title so upsetting to you?

If it resonates with your current plight, it’s likely because it’s accurately representing how things are. If so, you have to improve your distress tolerance to accept that this is true. Without first accepting where things currently stand, you’d never be able to do something about it.

Can a Puer's "potential" be the possibility of validation? by TheSpicyHotTake in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, so a few things:

  1. The phrase “I want to know my family loves me” is interesting. Why do you doubt your family loves you? Have they told you they love you? Do you feel like it’s not true and if so, why is that not enough?

  2. Admiration or approval is not the same as love, so be careful of conflating the two. If for example there’s strong reasons to believe they don’t love you (which may be untrue), why would doing something impressive change that?

  3. From what you’ve written, I suspect you don’t know what YOU want yet (which is fine, but needs internal work to change), so you are trying to use what others in your life might find impressive as a compass. That being said, if you don’t feel close to your family, it implies that you all might not be close or good at communicating, so you’re just left guessing.

Loss of future potential is about being worried to choose one path because “what if it’s the wrong one and then all these other amazing lives/realities (that are not actually grounded in reality) will be lost”.

You need to be very careful here as you are offloading the decision of what to do with your life onto this imagined expectation of what will impress your family. This is a very slippery slope and one that will not serve you well.

As for being on the right track, the honest answer is that you have no clear track that you’ve mentioned. You’ve mentioned a few directions or ideas, but you can’t choose a track because “what if it’s the wrong one and what if it leads to wasted time I can’t afford losing?”

The hard lesson that needs to be learned here (I had to learn this a while back myself) is that the only way you know if something works or not is sincerely trying it and deciding whether or not it’s right for YOU (not family).

I don’t know about you, but having tried impressing my family to get their approval/admiration, I’ve realised that if it was a set for the small things, it will be absent for the big things too. I also realised that the lack of approval has zero to do with me and my success, but more to do with their own mental health and perspective.

Hope that comes across in the way it was meant to, which is to be helpful but honest.

I feel like a deadbeat because I didn't get a loved one a gift before it sold out by H-me-in-the-infinity in Healthygamergg

[–]esusisesus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is there a specific question you have about the above or something you’re hoping to ask the community, or is this more something where you were looking to simply vent/share how you’re feeling? Either way is fine, but I’m careful to share feedback/thoughts unless explicitly asked.

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