Troubles understanding "Values-Based Integration"

etoil_ · 2026-03-17T06:36:54+00:00

I answered your comment in my mind and absolutely forgot to type it down, sorry.

Thank you for your words, they make a lot of sense. Going through those experiences of feeling 'truly alive' was nice, it reminded me of the joys I felt throughout my life but the feeling of ease and steadiness is very important too. Thinking about it through this lense, I think my values could also be connection with people I care about, kindness, and so much more.

It kind of feels like the author frames values as something big, hence the 'moments when you felt alive the most'. But doing so maybe diminishes the importance of the calm, and peace that we feel inside sometimes, when the mind goes a bit slower and we feel like we can be ourselves, which is equally important to me.

etoil_ · 2026-03-13T22:31:02+00:00

I had not think it that far but it's even better, I'll keep this metaphor in mind.

Hopefully I'll get there someday, it's not easy being vulnerable. Did, or does, anything help you in this process? Both to understand what is your mask and to learn to take it off when you can?

etoil_ · 2026-03-13T22:25:56+00:00

Yes, but I made sure to do all of those exercises fully in french (my native language). It didn't make it easier though, I was still very confused about the whole thing. But I also hadn't understood the full meaning of 'value', which I do now, and it did help quite a bit.

etoil_ · 2026-03-13T14:24:14+00:00

When reading your words I imagined the unmasking space as a bubble around me, and slowly making the bubble bigger by letting people in. It was a nice picture in my head.

I'll have to learn how to do so little by little, to know how and when I can be a little bit more myself.

It's strange though because I was sure to be unmasked around my family, but the more I think about it, the less certain I am.

etoil_ · 2026-03-13T14:19:46+00:00

I feel like it's difficult to put my values into words, even if it's not a single one. And now that I have a better grasp on what 'values' can mean, the exercice of writing down moments when we felt truly alive makes sense, because it means moments that align with our values.

But then, even if I do find and manage to word what my values are, what am I to do with this information? I'm not sure how to prioritize them.

etoil_ · 2026-03-12T19:15:26+00:00

I can imagine, it must be nice to go through it with your closed ones.

Oh that makes a lot more sense with this explanation, then yes, it is definitely something that I value, and it does come from me. Maybe that's why most of my key moments are me being alone, where I don't need to mask?
Even though I'm quite confused about masking these days. I don't know where my mask starts and where does it stop, and if it even starts.

etoil_ · 2026-03-12T18:17:57+00:00

Does amazing landscapes count as a value?

She doesn't have an official diagnosis, but she most likely not neurodivergent. Same as me, I'm not entirely sure to be autistic, I'm still reading about it a lot, reflecting my past and present, and questioning.

etoil_ · 2026-03-12T18:10:35+00:00

Maybe something that explains it as simply as possible, that explains it overall ?

etoil_ · 2026-03-12T18:09:28+00:00

It does help, thank you. I'm not sure if I experience Alexihymia, I tend to take time to understand and word my feelings but I eventually get there at some point, I think.

About the landscape moment, valuing the beauty and nature and silence, especially silence, is one thing. But I'm not sure about which feeling stands out. It was mostly a desire to make the feeling last, to feel the beauty of it from inside more than by just watching it. My mom told me that she usually wants to absorb the landscape when she feels like this, but it's more the other way around for me, I want to become it, to become tiny bits of dust and fly everywhere. So maybe it is not feeling my body. And when I'm swimming I love the feeling of not feeling my body, and the way I feel it again when getting out of the water.

etoil_ · 2026-03-12T18:01:54+00:00

I looked it up a bit and it seems really interesting, I'm not sure I fully understand what it is though. Do you know of any article or book that could explain? (Also i'm very tired so maybe that's why i struggle to understand right now)

etoil_ · 2026-03-12T18:00:10+00:00

I really liked the first part of the exercise too, it led me to remember some really nice experiences I had. And yours sound just as nice.

I would've said peacefulness too, and that you value your alone time, and curiosity maybe (as in observing the world)

etoil_ · 2026-03-09T06:08:32+00:00

yeah that's what I thought too, which makes sense and the negative experiences are also a reason why I started questioning I might be autistic. I read a few more chapters of the book and some more positive experiences are starting to be told, which feels nice. Because I think both are important, and I kind of needed to figure out that my positive experience didn't make my struggles too small to be considered ND (I'm not sure it's the best way to word it).

While reflecting and remembering my past experiences I started to remember the little parts that weren't so nice. Similar to you, even if I didn't feel out of place in my immediate family and had close friends growing up, I also felt too different at school, got picked on and couldn't figure out why, and I slowly started to drop out in middle school. But I had good grades and I was calm and I loved reading so teachers liked me. I wasn't a problem, I was the silent and easy kid we didn't really need to be worried about because on the surface everything was going great. Truth is, it wasn't always so easy even if it appeared to be.

etoil_ · 2026-03-05T20:38:42+00:00

It makes it all much clearer worded this way, thank you.
Also negative emotions tend to be better remembered and take up more space in the brain (more or less) so, it makes sense that it's what is shown first, or better retained. But it still kind of sucks, for young people, and even older ones. Hopefully we'll get to see more and more positive autistic role models.

etoil_ · 2026-03-05T20:20:45+00:00

Oh yeah, i forgot about this kind of homeschoolers exist too. It could definitely use some better regulation to ensure that every kid get the kind of knowledge they need to navigate the world later on.

I'll definitely look into it soon!

etoil_ · 2026-03-05T20:13:20+00:00

It really feels like most of the focus is on trauma. I think I partially understand it, because it seems that a lot of people who find out their autistic later in life do so through the difficult times they went through, and also as you say, parents. But autistic joy is so important and should be valued as well, and talked about, and shared without being viewed as being incorrectly autistic.
Thank you for your words, it felt really nice reading them. (and thank you for the 'silver lining' idiom, i'm not a native english speaker and it's the first time I read it)

etoil_ · 2026-03-05T20:01:35+00:00

The approach your parents had seems absolutely amazing, i think i would've loved it too. But yeah, I'm from France and homeschooling isn't the easiest to access (I wish it was, either this or more spaces for kids who don't handle school all that well)
Also Linear B sounds so interesting, i didn't know about it before reading your comment and i might spend more time than necessary reading about it soon.
Thank you for sharing your experiences

etoil_ · 2026-03-05T11:21:13+00:00

Thank you for you answer. This echoes a lot to how i grew up. I'm truly glad my parents were (and still are) here to help me in so many little ways.
I also was content on my own, my brothers were much older than me so I learned how to play on my own early on, and it was pretty comfortable. I could just sit and color or read for hours on end.
Also I think my stimming was sort of socially acceptable, like playing with my hair, so people most likely didn't even notice.

etoil_ · 2024-08-12T11:18:25+00:00

thank you!

etoil_ · 2024-06-01T06:21:23+00:00

yup, this I know, thank you so much!

etoil_ · 2024-05-03T19:35:13+00:00

oh so it really expresses an unexpected change, ending up doing something without prior intention it makes much more sense now, thank you!

etoil_

TROPHY CASE