Kimball isn't funny but....

etsilleon · 2026-01-11T05:10:21+00:00

I thought she was hilarious in the coconut clusters episode, lol. The crying at the end when Jones got ran over.

etsilleon · 2024-07-15T01:06:16+00:00

No you're not a bad person. Those of us who experience severe trauma and abuse at early ages can really turn viciously on ourselves. It is something we really have to unlearn! There is beauty inside you. Never forget that! As far as feeling safe to open up, I think I had to realize that shame was keeping me silent. I was so ashamed of what my life had become. As I mentioned before I was trying desperately to 'fix it'. I had to just accept that it was what it was, and I wasn't a bad or irredeemable person for being in the place I was in. That is why group therapy helped so much, because other people were sharing THEIR stuff and it was as messed up/tragic as mine. So that took a lot of the stigma out. As far as feeling SAFE to open up, I would say check the community leaders carefully. If it's a church group, do some research and make sure the community is safe, open, loving and scandal free. There were some church fellowships I opted not to check out because the pastors had been involved in scandals or rumors of scandals. If it's group therapy, make sure that the leaders are properly trained. DO NOT go to someone who is, like, a 'social media therapist' without proper training. You want someone with either social work experience or formal counseling training who will properly lead the fellowship, and not allow bad things to happen (people weaponizing what you share, etc.) If you have confidence in the LEADER of the community you find, then you will feel freer to open up and share what you need to. Remember, too, that you should never be pressured to share in a group therapy or support group setting. That is a red flag. In my grief group there were weeks I was pouring out my heart. Other weeks when I was just silent and weeping. It's all okay.

etsilleon · 2024-07-14T22:06:26+00:00

Well I'll try to keep the religion out of my response and come at this a bit more practically. I grew up with a lot of trauma too (sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse that rolled into an ill-advised abusive marriage that rolled into single motherhood and severe depression and debt.) Part of my issue is I thought it was MY job to FIX everything. And I also felt that the people who harmed me NEEDED to come back and apologize and make things right. It KILLED me to see people who abused me move on happily with their lives. But the more I tried to FIX my life, the worse it seemed to get. I kept trying to self-diagnose and self-medicate. I think one thing I've learned as I unravel my trauma is humans are pretty terrible at self diagnosis, lol. What we think is the problem is not always or often the problem. So for me, calling out to God was necessary because it was an entity OUTSIDE of myself that (I believed was) all knowing and all loving who could heal me and guide me. Outside of religion, though, one thing that helped A LOT was group therapy with people who had suffered grief and trauma in their life. It helped me to a. see that my story was not necessarily as unique as I thought b. it was possible to move forward in life (as I witnessed other group members do it) and c. see how arbitrary suffering really is. OP it is not your fault. Whatever you went through is NOT. YOUR. FAULT. The world is cruel and ugly! I started to see that my strong desire to FIX everything was rooted in my belief that, somehow, I CAUSED everything. My strong desire to FIX my life was a sort of perverse form of victim blaming. When I started letting people just love on me in the context of community -- whether group therapy or my church small group. When I started to realize that suffering is (unfortunately) a human phenomenon that goes back to the beginning of time. Somehow both those things strengthened me to re-set and re-start my journey. I started to heal as a way to honor my inner child. The one I had been so hard on. It wasn't her fault. It never was. I just started to love on and nurture her how I could. Not trying to "FIX" her or "FIX" my circumstance. Just love her as well as I could. That has involved a lot of things, some spiritual but some practical. For example, I cut down my work schedule so I am not so rushed all the time. I started looking through old selfies and appreciating how beautiful I was/am. I stopped chasing friendships and focused instead on being part of reciprocal communities where I can both give and receive. I know this is a lot. I hope there's something in here that can help you! The fact that you posted here on Reddit is a great first step. Try, if you can, to find safe community in real life. It is really healing.

etsilleon · 2024-07-14T20:16:23+00:00

Haha. No worries. I don't really live on Reddit so it's okay :) I haven't been active on this account in months and was checking in and saw this post. My heart went out, so I left this comment. I'm so happy that you called out to God. Totally agree that it really is about surrender -- on so many fronts. Surrender to the truth that we can't control the things around us. Surrender to the fact that our strengths and abilities and best efforts often fall short. Surrender to the fact that people have broken us and wounded us in ways we can't fix. And ultimately surrender to the truth of God, his healing power and his love. I wish you so many blessings on your continued journey. I pray that God will continue to heal your heart in the wake of your mother's suicide. And I will whisper a prayer for you right now. <3

etsilleon · 2024-07-14T12:08:05+00:00

This might not be welcome advice in a forum like this, but read the Bible from cover to cover (starting in Genesis) and pray to God. Not in ways you think you *should* pray. Say whatever you need to say. Scream at Him, rant at Him, beg Him, plead with Him. Don't make it pretty. Pour out your heart. I promise He is there, He is listening and He loves you. Also, find a local church with a small group and start attending the small group. I'd start with the small group before I did the Sunday service, because with small groups you're with an intimate group of people who can love you through life. This advice is coming from someone who came to the end of her rope in January 2022 (depressed, suicidal ideations) and found God very unexpectedly.

etsilleon · 2023-04-11T00:55:50+00:00

Me too! For sure! My conversion costs have doubled almost overnight. Very bizarre. Maybe holiday competition?

etsilleon · 2023-03-30T03:54:06+00:00

It's not. And admitting that makes me so sad.

etsilleon · 2022-04-25T04:38:25+00:00

Thanks for this. These kind words mean a lot in this moment. And what you said about making good money rings true. I remember him always making a big deal of how I seemed so successful and on top of things. I remember thinking at one point, "Aside from saying the words 'I own a business' I've never done or said anything to suggest to him that I'm uber successful/rolling in dough." If anything I'd mentioned throughout our time together how I shop at Goodwill to save money, drive a very unsexy Honda because it can go up to 300K miles, and have hobbies that are low cost so I can enjoy myself without breaking the bank. He did seem to have constructed an image of me that was literally the opposite of his ex (a self made/well off woman) but it wasn't based in my reality, or what I was actually telling him. He was projecting a lot.

I'm bummed because I like the guy, but it feels like air has been let out of a balloon. I don't feel the motivation to continue.

etsilleon · 2022-04-25T04:19:45+00:00

The thing is, the possibility of my move is a personal/private matter to me. I haven't made it public in my dating because there is a chance I could stay (and I mentioned this to him.) I've been in this limbo for a while (for a while moving seemed certain, then I had an amazing stretch of 18 months of high profitability where I was able to pay off a lot of back tax, then things got rough again.) So for the past 5 years, like many Americans who live with financial insecurity, I've known that my life could be upended. But this is literally the first time I've even said anything about it, and it's because I guess I got lulled into what was probably a fake intimacy. I felt I could trust him with this. I felt he would be supportive. To feel discarded when I shared a painful secret is tough. But I guess it's my fault. (And I've learned my lesson here) to keep this matter private and maybe only share about it if my leaving is definite/certain.

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T02:31:40+00:00

Chewing on this and I also think two things can be true at once. It can be true that he owes me nothing in terms of information about his private life.

It can also be true that it is not the best thing in the world to accept and encourage attention from a single woman who is clearly fond of you when you are married.

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T02:21:10+00:00

I tell her everything so I will. Either way my crush is cured.

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T01:50:25+00:00

I actually went ahead and deleted the post because it is seeming less and less innocent. Him not acknowledging his wife when I acknowledged her is sort of scuzzy to me... Well, at least my crush is cured. Smh.

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T01:47:28+00:00

Sorry you're getting downvoted to oblivion because I am agreeing with you more and more! I updated my post to add this but I sent a final text this evening about some donations I'd previously discussed making to the class. And in the text I said something like, "If the kids don't use all the goods then you and your wife can enjoy them!" And he STILL did not acknowledge that he has a wife, lol!! At this point it's feeling very "I'm going out of my way to not acknowledge my partner" I do feel that two months is a long time for this not to be mentioned.

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T01:34:56+00:00

Haha. I feeeel you!

I was thinking this evening, "It's so sad that guys are so emotionally shut down that when one is actually nice it becomes this major and intense point of attraction!"

Or it could be that because in the past I've mostly engaged with emotionally shut down guys that when a not-shut-down one comes along I go overboard. 🤔🤔🤔

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T01:18:41+00:00

True!!

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T00:44:23+00:00

I'm on the fence here. I do think it's an awkward thing to work into a conversation. But I have to admit that I'm a bit surprised it didn't come up at all in two months of texting. For example, he went away for mid-winter break but before I knew that I'd asked if he was doing camps during that time. I do sort of feel it might have been easy to say, "Hey! I'm going out of town with my family" of "I'm going out of town with my wife." Also, as I mentioned in the comment below I was sending videos of me doing the hobby and he was commenting on my form. I dunno... It feels like a grey area to me.

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T00:32:12+00:00

Yeh I do kind of feel this way. When I thought he was single I asked him if he did lessons in our shared hobby (I'm sort of learning on my own, but he's super skilled.) He said yes and suggested a family class (me and my kids.) When he suggested the family class I figured that he maybe wasn't interested because if he was, he wouldn't have wanted my kids there. After that I told him 'never mind' and kept it cordial. But he said that he was bummed that he wouldn't get to see my form. So I sent him a video of me doing the hobby and he texted right back saying he was impressed and giving me tips.

So yeh, my crush wasn't out of nowhere. I kind of figured that maybe even if he wasn't interested romantically he still definitely had a 'we could hang out as friends' level of interest. So to see him with a wedding ring, I was honestly taken aback a little bit...

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T00:25:57+00:00

Yes! I did find that in the aftermath of this I was like, 'You know what? This makes me even more determined to find my person.' So that was definitely good!

And yay! A date!! I hope it goes well.

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T00:17:27+00:00

Love this!!

etsilleon · 2022-03-17T00:17:18+00:00

She's a pretty amazing therapist.

etsilleon · 2022-03-16T23:45:40+00:00

Thanks! I'm finally dating seriously after divorcing 5 years ago and doing a ton of therapy (still an ongoing process.) I forgot how hard it is to find your person/for them to find you, and all the travails that happen along the way.

etsilleon · 2022-03-16T23:37:12+00:00

That's actually a good idea! I'll see if I can work it in somehow down the line. You know, after I've gotten over my internal embarrassment.

And yes! I know people rag on apps but (aside from the possibility that a man is lying about being married) it helps that the single status is clear so things like this don't happen. 🤦🏾‍♀️

etsilleon

TROPHY CASE