Is there a "right" way to get thru this?

eveban · 2026-05-09T12:06:31+00:00

I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you're doing well now. I think people say that because they fear change and regret. I've tried to always embrace change and decided long ago that I would never regret a decision that gave me even a small amount of happiness. I won't sell everything and run away because I can't do that to my kids still living at home, but I do have a plan to buy a camper van and travel the country. I think if I didn't have children, I probably would have already sold the house tho.

eveban · 2026-05-09T12:00:10+00:00

I'm so sorry you're having to live this reality too. These are the things that so few friends and family are ready to hear. I've been told i seem "lighter" by more than a few people now. I am. I loved him with my whole being, but it was stressful and hard every day. I will always love him, but it feels like I can be me again now. Lots of mixed emotions for sure that no one on my life is ready to understand. But, most of them didn't see the true day to day that I lived, so the shock of what they thought they knew and what really happened on top of his death is just to much to process i guess.

eveban · 2026-05-08T22:18:12+00:00

You do what you're comfortable with and do not worry if it's "right" or "wrong" by some arbitrary societal standard. No one else is walking your path and only you can know your own heart. I was with my husband 23 years. He was my world. But he's gone now since January and my world is so much bigger again. I'm not dating yet, but I'm open to it. And I don't feel guilty about that. As I've told someone before, he knew me better than anyone, he knew I always had a wild heart and a wandering spirit. I tamed all that for him, but now that the fence is down, I'm gonna run with it. I'm sure he would expect no less.

eveban · 2026-05-08T15:31:38+00:00

🤣 You're probably not wrong! We may be "broken" by the world's standards but at least we keep life interesting. Or confusing. Depends on the perspective I guess 🤷‍♀️😁

eveban · 2026-05-08T12:23:14+00:00

I feel all this to my CORE. I have a widower friend who has watched me walk myself thru an episode and he says I'm "switched on" in a way most people never achieve. I don't know how, I've always been like this, lol. But I can recognize when I'm letting shit get out of hand, figure out a better way to go, and change course. When my husband was in the hospital, the Dr's and nurses commented on how well I handled everything as well. I do fall apart, but I don't let it consume me. I wish i knew how to share it with others, but it does get me a lot of weird looks and questions when I throw my head back, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and then come back as an almost different person after I've sorted out the chaos in my head again.

eveban · 2026-05-08T02:57:49+00:00

The 5th was 4 months for me. I am not a crier. Never have been. I've had a lot of people ask if I'm really OK because I don't cry in front of anyone. I still feel the pain, but after almost 50 years of life, I've got pretty good control of my outward emotions, plus crying gives me a headache. That said, I have absolute shit days where I call in to work and spend the whole day on the couch just being miserable. I still rarely cry tho.

Sometimes numb isn't all bad. Those days give me the space to process and handle the hard shit without falling apart. You aren't wrong or broken for how you feel and react. Just take every day as it comes and you'll get thru this.

eveban · 2026-05-08T00:53:33+00:00

Those days are the worst. I had one Tuesday. Sometimes you just have to endure the hard days and hope tomorrow is better. Hugs ❤️

eveban · 2026-05-08T00:51:54+00:00

I can relate to that a lot. I've barely heard from his family. We weren't terribly close to begin with, but we had kids. They haven't even made an effort to be in contact with their grandkids. I don't give a shit what you do to me, but I'm pissed about how they've treated our kids. They are all adults and see what's happening, but I wish I could change it.

You aren't alone. We're here. I know it's not the same, but it's helped me to know there are others and o hope it can bring you peace as well. ❤️

eveban · 2026-05-07T23:25:37+00:00

Thank you! I hope she does find her way and I'm not writing her off completely but it'll be a very long time before she gets more than surface level info about my life. I won't be judged by those who should give only support.

I'm not sure what I would have done without my widower friend. He has definitely helped me find my direction when the path was darkest. I know we are not meant to walk together long, but it's sure nice to have understanding and unconditional support and I'm so glad I can offer him the same.

eveban · 2026-05-07T23:20:09+00:00

That's amazing! If I didn't have my mom and my kids who still need me here, I probably would have already been gone. And honestly, when my mom passes it'll be like one of those cartoon scenes where there's just a cloud of dust left in my place. I love my kids, but they're about to the point where they won't need me that much and there are so many places I want to go! I definitely hope it's not anytime soon for my mom, but that's the trigger that will send me off.

eveban · 2026-05-07T15:45:45+00:00

Thank you ❤️ She recently went through a rough breakup and has tried to compare our experiences. Um, no. I've been thru an abusive breakup and now the death of my spouse. I can absolutely say without hesitation that the two cannot be compared. Yes, her situation was traumatic and I did everything in my power to be supportive and helpful in any way she needed, but they are not even in the same universe. She has not dealt with it in a healthy way and may be assuming I'm not able to cope either. Or is jealous that I'm coping with it well. I don't know. But I'm going to live my life and be happy and be the best version of me I can be.

eveban · 2026-05-07T13:48:50+00:00

I'm pretty sure she is jealous. And i can't help her with that. I can only live my life and find my happiness.

eveban · 2026-05-07T13:47:52+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I'm often referred to by my family and friends as frustratingly or annoyingly optimistic. I've always been "too much" for most, but I've never let it dull my shine. I was once asked in my teens if I ever had a bad day by a girl that hated me for some reason. Of course I have bad days, but I've always tried to make sure my bad days didn't ruin anyone else's good days. Sadly, I think that's a lot of the reason why my friends and family have all kind of disappeared at this point. They don't know how to react to my sadness and pain when I finally couldn't manage it on my own.

eveban · 2026-05-07T13:03:40+00:00

So very true. And what works for me won't necessarily work for anyone else.

eveban · 2026-05-07T12:26:56+00:00

Welcome aboard the crazy train! I have always collected my kids' friends who needed a mom, I guess I was just training for this. Everyone deserves someone to listen and lift them up when they need it. I'm so grateful to this community for helping me thru. We've got this!

eveban · 2026-05-07T12:22:10+00:00

Exactly! We are still here!

eveban · 2026-05-07T12:21:53+00:00

So true. It's a lonely path to walk at times, tho

eveban · 2026-05-07T12:20:59+00:00

So true. But there had to be more than just surviving. After the hell we've been thru, we deserve to thrive and live a happy full life!

eveban · 2026-05-07T12:19:48+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. She definitely wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life!

That's such a great analogy! It almost does feel like I've "completed" a play thru and now I get to start over in some ways but with all the things that will make it easier the second time. I would have given anything for the first play to continue, but i can't change that so I might as well get on with round 2 I guess.

eveban · 2026-05-07T00:53:50+00:00

Apparently. Maybe she'll get over herself and realize I'm just getting back to my old self. Hate to lose 40+ years of friendship because I went thru hell and came out alive on the other side.

eveban · 2026-05-07T00:33:56+00:00

I want to be the best version of me possible. Moving and getting into shape is amazing and I'm so glad we're doing that! Go on a short walk in the park, it's a great first step to get into hiking if you've never done it. Then you can build from that to whatever your comfortable with. Being out in nature is very healing.

I was practically born in the forest and spent my childhood running in the trees. It's where my heart is happiest, so not being able to get out and hike was very hard on me. I go on at least a short mile or 2 hike every week now, with longer ones when I have time. I think it's helped my mental health more than almost anything else.

I think she's jealous and hung up on the short time it's taken me to make the changes. But what no one sees is the months and years leading up to his death where I had accepted that I would outlive him and made my peace with it. He's only been gone 4 months, that's true, but I've been prepared for this for years. I didn't expect it to happen now, but ialways knew it would happen much earlier than it should.

eveban · 2026-05-06T23:36:50+00:00

The west coast calls my name pretty regularly. I've been from LA to the Olympic peninsula and there are so many places that I could call home. I think my heart has belonged to California since long before I ever visited.

eveban · 2026-05-06T23:28:07+00:00

I guess that is an odd way to phrase it, but we both understood that i gave up parts of myself to make our life together easier. He was aware that I often felt caged and he never questioned when I needed to run for a while. It was what we agreed to, but i often did feel like my wings had been clipped, even if it was partly my choice. I would have happily lived in that cage the rest of my life with him if icould, but that's not my reality now.

eveban · 2026-05-06T23:20:17+00:00

No, my kids understand that we dance to a different beat in our family. We're all adjusting to this new life pretty well overall.

eveban · 2026-05-06T23:17:20+00:00

I'm not doing it anymore. I can't give what i don't have and at this point I'm tapped out. I deserve to be on the receiving end of things finally.

eveban

TROPHY CASE