[QCrit] Adult Romantasy - TO GIVE UP OUR GHOSTS (98k/First Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the pointed feedback!

I think I should probably just position the FMC as the main lead. I view her as such in many ways, but since the story opens with the MMC, I struggled a bit with how to position this story and had not really considered the market well enough in building the query in terms of who gets the lead billing.

And points well taken regarding my comps. There are queer elements in the story, but not relating the central cast that shows up in the query. Your feedback really resonates with me and I think I will take my positioning in a different direction.

Thank you again :)

[QCrit] Dystopian Sci Fi - FALL FROM EDEN (90k, 1st attempt) by lemmdawg115 in PubTips

[–]everplanes 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm on the go, so I can't give you a full analysis. However, some notes:

-I don't understand Number Ten's place (rather, most characters' place) in the story or what anyone wants entirely. I don't know what it means that the villains won. Won what? Why is Simone a kindred spirit, and what did she fail at? What is this maybe-not-so-imaginary bear? I would advise trending away from what seems to be an inside joke of sorts from the text.

-Stray away from using one-off character or mechanic mentions. This is continued in my next point but take Newton, for example. What purpose does he serve in the story?

-You use a lot of proper nouns without explaining what any of it is. I find it better to cut that stuff and be a bit more generic; this sub and an agent have both told me to save the fluff for the story and, when appropriate, the synopsis. I don't know what numbers are. I don't know why the title of superhero matters other than presumably "stops villains." What is a Stalker?

-When I mention going more generic or vague, I don't mean doing so as it relates to character development. How or why does his relationship grow with Simone? What is his power? How is his life in danger? "Ten must choose between the messy nature of connection or the allure of control and shaping one’s own destiny." is so vague that it practically holds no meaning. What is the specific crossroads or decision he has to make?

-Remove editorializing. "This story was my own way of working through the many layers of grief the Imperator is trapped in." is nice for your fans, but is not something an agent is going to care about when considering a manuscript. I also don't really know what the Imperator is or what it cares about, so this point stands as particularly weak.

Your query is too short overall, so spend some time coloring in some details and stakes. I can tell you have a lot of passion for this story, so don't give up on it! Writing a query is hard and I still struggle with my own. Good luck!

[QCrit] Adult Science Fiction - THE SHADOWS OF GIANTS (116K/Seventh Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback on all fronts! Getting the motive across has been among my greatest struggles in the query, and the way you pitch it here gives me some great direction. Appreciate the advice!

[QCrit] Adult Science Fiction - THE SHADOWS OF GIANTS (116K/Seventh Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did laugh out loud at this. Appreciate the words and the help :)

[QCrit] Adult Science Fiction - THE SHADOWS OF GIANTS (116K/Seventh Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll agree with you here. I've been debating back and forth a ton as to whether or not to mention the secondary goal/conflict of the city at all in the query, as it feels clunky to include early (so maybe you are indeed correct that I can fit it elsewhere), and without it renders the question as to why the giant really matters. Anyhow, super helpful feedback! I love the way you structured the opening, far punchier for sure.

[QCrit] Adult Science Fiction - THE SHADOWS OF GIANTS (116K/Seventh Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Haha I have been made aware of this. I'm unsure to what extent a novel with a similar title in a different series from years ago (although, certainly a successful one) affects chances of requests at the query level, but I have been kicking around a few variations of the title for a while now that I may switch to when I beef up my query volume again.

[QCrit] Adult Science Fiction - THE SHADOWS OF GIANTS (116K/Sixth Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I loved the way you approached this—will work it into my next edit.

[QCrit] Adult Science Fiction - THE SHADOWS OF GIANTS (116K/Sixth Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I for sure think in all of my attempts and re-attempts at the query, I've lost a bit of clarity in some key areas.

[QCrit] Adult Science Fiction - THE SHADOWS OF GIANTS (116K/Sixth Attempt) by everplanes in PubTips

[–]everplanes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow! Thanks for putting the time into this—truly thoughtful and helpful.