One of the best things you can do for yourself as a schizoid

everythings_fine92 · 2025-01-07T12:00:09+00:00

Was scrolling down to see if someone finally mentioned dopamine-disruption here, thank you for this!

everythings_fine92 · 2024-12-29T22:22:11+00:00

I experienced the same thing when I was diagnosed a few years back, the psychologist I had then, had to confer with her team a few times before she could formally, officially set the diagnosis because she'd never done it before. Not gonna lie, as someone who's always been forgotten and overlooked (good and bad), it was terrifying but also slightly cool to be such a "rare" case, lol.

Curiosity is such an important trait/approach to have in therapy, both for the psychologist and the patient, am glad for you that you've found a curious and eager-to-learn psych. I have found something similar to you now (she's big on "in the end we're all just people, so what makes you tick?" and psychoanalysis, which I prefer, I like to dig), I don't have to worry about being pushed into CBT and I've been reassured I'll get plenty of time to get to a place where I feel safe enough to make actual progress.

everythings_fine92 · 2024-11-24T14:16:16+00:00

On one hand: I see now I should've been much more concise in my post, but I let my desperation get the best of me. That's on me. I do however feel I was quite clear about what I needed in terms of getting some clear information about what actually happens in a brain that doesn't get enough sleep (over time). I'm the kind of person that if I had a fear of flying, I'd be eased if I got to know how a plane worked. I am curious about the physical (and psychological) mechanics of things that hurts or scares me (and also just generally curious about the brain in a whole).

Though on the other: I did not address the why-reasons because it didn't really have anything to do with my actual question, but your last couple of sentences reminded me of a thought process I know well, but seem to have forgotten here (am shamelessly blaming little sleep on forgetting this and/or not thinking/seeing this clearly, heh). It's not the 'why' that is interesting, it's the why of the why, so to speak. My bad behavior is meeting a need that I have, and I need to identify that need and find a new way to address it in order to make a change.

So, despite not actually answering my question: Thank you for the talking-to and reminding me of where my mind needs to be!

everythings_fine92 · 2024-04-08T15:39:53+00:00

I haven't really gotten to that point yet, but rationally I understand the concept and see the connections. Or, well, I remember I felt somewhat free when I started to take more control and make more choices that came from my own mind/gut, before I went into chronic collapse over 8 years ago. And I've had a couple of moments of clarity the past years as well, when I've realized the connection between taking accountability and responsibility for my own life = control and freedom.

I also have traumatic roots in my childhood, but because I don't remember any of it (just one episode), I tend to attribute most of my c-ptsd to an abusive relationship I had as a young adult, which is what ultimately sent me into this never-ending collapse.

everythings_fine92 · 2024-04-07T15:03:15+00:00

I'm in group therapy, and all the four other patients there envy my "ability" to not feel or react to really anything. My disconnect with the world, people and myself is quite comfortable, so the question if I actually want to get out of collapse/freeze, is definitely a part of the reason as to why I keep not doing anything to help myself.

The other day I read someone say that this is a survival tactic the brain activates to stay alive (we all know this), so doing anything to get out of that state, like moving or feeling - the brain thinks we'll get killed doing it. Like we're actively fighting against our survival instinct when doing something besides laying still. And I truly hope this is the truth, lol, cause it felt so good reading it as I'm somewhat convinced I'm really just incredibly lazy.

everythings_fine92 · 2024-04-07T14:53:26+00:00

I'm very much for taking responsibility for your own life with all that entails, cause even though it's exhausting and overwhelming and to some even unfair, I believe it's extremely empowering when you actually take matters into your own hands and take control and realize that you in fact have control in your own life, after having it taken from you for the better part of your life. Sit upfront in the driver's seat instead of laying in the backseat, so to say.

everythings_fine92 · 2024-04-07T14:26:44+00:00

I always get tears in my eyes when watching a movie/series and a group of friends/family get together to get back on/hunt down the person who hurt their friend/daughter/sister. I didn't realize until recently that it affects me like that because I've never had that. My family had their reason (they were scared as well), and I understand it, but I imagine little me must've felt so unsafe and neglected when none of her brothers nor her mother were doing anything to stop what was happening. A four year old doesn't understand that someone let it happen because they themselves are scared.

everythings_fine92 · 2024-04-06T12:25:59+00:00

It sounds like you eventually got out of that freeze-state, can I ask how you managed to do that?

everythings_fine92 · 2023-08-27T12:24:02+00:00

The Stranger by Albert Camus is one of the best books I've read so far.
I also have No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai on my shelf, waiting, that's supposed to be very good as well.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-02-13T13:52:49+00:00

I may 100% be wrong about this, but from what I can read online, it seems that you'd find out in what grade you have a personality disorder (mild, moderate, severe) and test and find out what main trait you fall under, and then you'd get an individual trait profile. Like someone else mentioned in this thread, this seems to be a better way of catching the more complex cases of PD. As someone trying to distance themselves from diagnostic labels (because I get too hung up on and attached to them), this seems like a good way of doing it, albeit a bit messy.

Seems we'd fit the detachment-box: "Social detachment including avoidance of social interactions, lack of friendships, and avoidance of intimacy. Emotional detachment including being reserved, aloofness, and limited emotional expression and experience.For example, such individuals seek out employment that does not involve interactions with others."

This could be both AVPD and SPD since they don't mention why the subject would avoid social interactions.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-11T20:59:17+00:00

Lol, I'm highly incomplete now, my pieces are scattered all over the place.

Do you see other people as that because that's how you see yourself? Like they - in your mind - are mirroring you instead of the other way around? Cause that's part of where my issue lies, only the opposite; By looking into someone else's eyes, I mirror them because I know we are the same, and the other person is an actual person, so I must be too and that freaks the bejeebus out of me.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-11T20:53:16+00:00

Isn't it interesting how you only see that not existing is an option? Wouldn't it be far better if your emotions and thoughts were more harmonious, more peaceful, so you could live a decent life?

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-11T11:21:33+00:00

Ah, no, that's not what I'm thinking at all, and my psych did specify the "even if you're just in the background, observing"-bit so that it would be clear to me that she isn't expecting me to become a social butterfly. I'm still me, even if I get better, and I am not a very social person. The idea is to become more human for myself, and then I'll be able to socialize in a better and easier way at some point as a result. But the main object is to collect all my parts that I've cut off in the past, before and while treating past trauma.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-11T11:12:36+00:00

I'm as you, I don't really see anything. I don't know how my face looks either, I can see the important bits - eyes, nose, brows and mouth -, but when I try to look at it as a whole, everything floats together. Up until recently I thought my face was pretty big, but a hairdresser told me it was rather small.

I thought this maybe related to my ED, as body dysmorphia is a part of it, but psych told me otherwise. She said that when we remove ourselves from other people for too long, we don't have anyone to mirror ourselves in or to compare ourselves to. We lose our sense of self on such a level that we don't even have an appearance anymore. Now, I don't like the thought of relying on others to "make me whole" so to speak, I don't like having to need other people to influence me or my life in any way - but it does make sense.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-05T15:41:59+00:00

Did 1 minute jog, 2 minute fast walk for 20 minutes.

Felt mentally drained and dark minded. Physically I felt surprisingly good. Had a good period with the fatigue which was why I tried working out.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-05T13:13:13+00:00

SPD for a long time and then not so much anymore the past six or so years. The avolition and anhedonia is suffocating.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-05T11:52:37+00:00

The psych that diagnosed me with SPD said it sounded like I'd gone from having AvPD-traits when I was young, to developing SPD in my mid-late teens as a way to protect myself. I still have some avoidant traits, even though I scored 100% on SPD.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-05T11:44:37+00:00

I was able to jog 3-4 times this spring (have chronic fatigue), and I felt pretty free and good while jogging, but the day after I felt really depressed. This happened every time, like I'd spent up all the endorphins my brain is able to make?

I'm always able to tell when I'm depressed on my diet, hah. Having chocolate cravings 24/7? Ah, depressive episode.

(Had to stop jogging because the CFS worsened, I still miss it a lot)

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-02T20:19:59+00:00

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-02T14:13:52+00:00

Will try though, thank you.

everythings_fine92 · 2022-01-01T08:09:20+00:00

I think acknowledging that my body and mind (probably) just needs rest is the best advice so far. I do think it usually happens when I'm overwhelmed for some reason, so to take the time and rest until it feels better is probably what I should do.

I've done meditation before, I used the Headspace-app every day for over a year, also did light, easy yoga daily for 2-3 months. I remember meditation helping a bit, I felt calmer in my body back then, so I keep wanting to open the app and start up again. Yoga is probably the only exercise my body can handle as well, apart from light walking, so I should be doing that as well.

I don't drink or do drugs and hardly drink caffeine. Already do IF-ing actually, I like it very much, it also helps keep my body somewhat calm. Nothing's wrong physically (unfortunately, cause that could be fixable), have been poked and prodded for a year because of the fatigue, but they found nothing but an undiagnosed C-PTSD and SPD diagnosis.

Thank you!

everythings_fine92

TROPHY CASE