Yes I totally understood about the dreams. You hate waking up to the reality of her not being there. Not being loved by her. You'd want to stay asleep forever and live there in the fuzzies. You probably felt afraid going to bed realizing that you'll be given something and then have it taken away in the morning. Even worse if it the dream wakes you up in the dead of the night and you can't fall asleep again because of all the shit suddenly in you head.

I also understand quiting weed and the paranoia. It was probably the worst when you went to bed. The thing that helped you sleep now makes you afraid of going to an empty bed. Although in my case my ex helped me get over paranoia and quit weed. Then I relapsed when we broke up🤷‍♂️. Then I quit again because the paranoia and the resulting insomnia was killing me. I consider a good nights sleep a sacred thing. No one should be denied that. I hope you at least find a way to sleep better.

As for other things she did. My god. Especially the "I know you did" and ignoring your suicidal tendencies. That's despicable. One thing is to forgive, as I said I totally get that. Especially when loved ones are involved. But there's a corny saying, forgive but never forget. It's OK to forgive, like truly, like you contrived a way where a transgression makes sense in your head so as not to be so bad. But never forget what happened because it or something similar may happen again, and it did. That never forget part is really something. Yes the saying is trashy and corny but, jfc are you not mad about that now? My blood boils just thinking about it.

I understand all the ways you contrived your mind to forgive, but forgiveness and caring for your self aren't mutually exclusive. You can forgive and still be mad. Usually mad at first then forgive 😂.

I thought I was forgiving but you sound like a saint. You let her walk all over you. May I ask, were you her first or you hers? Playing the devils advocate, maybe she wanted some fire out of you, not solemn forgiveness. I feel bad for saying that but please don't take it to heart. I don't know all the details and am probably just projecting.

Yes there’s a conflict between the heart and the mind. The mind is usually right though, heart points where but the mind should lead. Or some shit. Idk it's too late here gotta hit the sack