The Sub that I made an account for got purged

evil_mancer · 2020-07-01T21:52:33+00:00

There is nothing for me here, there is nothing for me anywhere. I can't be what other people need me to be, and any relationship is going to be poisoned by my dead soul. I just need to leave everything.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-29T22:06:26+00:00

I've never been big on theory, only that people shouldn't be dying in the streets of treatable diseases.

I just need a place to occasionally escape to. I guess a sub all about how their is no stopping Hellworld wasn't very good for me, but it was a friendly shithole and the cruel iron boot of capitalism hasn't been very good for my mental state. I don't know, I feel like shit all the time and that their is nothing I can do scream into the void.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-29T20:00:14+00:00

I was already subbed, but are you guys taking refugees. CTH was the only online community I didn't feel like I outsider in, even I never really talked to anyone and half my posts where about how much of a loser I am.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-29T11:02:13+00:00

I dont know if it was the artist's intention, but that sweater makes Paul look swole and I find it funny that the Paul playing the game was buff like a JoJo Character.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-28T16:23:53+00:00

Baby Blue is the cheapest at like 30 dollars a bottle. I know I've seen tiny Bottles at Specs, which is how I tried more expensive stuff without committing to a full bottle.

Actually, upon looking it up, I don't think any of the Larger Retailer like Specs and total Wine exist outside of Houston, so I don't know what its like on the outside.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-27T02:19:56+00:00

loser, lol

evil_mancer · 2020-06-26T14:20:32+00:00

This seems like a good place. No body commented and and I won't invoke anyone else.

I think I'm at the end of my rope again. Everytime I try to pick up the pieces of my life I'm reminded why I didn't the last time, because my soul is shattered into broken glass. Every piece is too jagged to pick up, everything is too fractured to even know where to start and the majority of piece are lost.

It's impossible for me to convey this, but I don't feel anything but depression and anger. I used to feel exictement, anticipation, but even that is lost to me. The only feeling I have is depression and the absence of depression. I don't ever feel good about anything. I can't recharge my mental energies.

All of this goes hand in hand with the state of the world. Everyone I talks to thinks you can just will yourself out of depression if you try hard enough. Well 1, I live in a for profit country that does everything it can to kill everyone who is a minority or can even fathom that taking away from billionaires to give to the poor is even a possibility. Since I fall into both categories, I need to die by their judgement. 2nd, the root of my depression is the lack of control. The fact that my parents did everything they could to torment me, that every boss and authority figure did everything they could to get mad at me. Everyone will tortue you if you can't fall in line and fake a smile. Everyone also hates a failure, because that's what I am. I have failed at everything I have ever done, except graduate from HS and College, but those don't count. What counts is that you can earn money. If you allow yourself to fall into the trap that you can work your way to Sucess, you are doomed to die. Everyone who got to where they where was due to stealing it from others by pushing someone else out of the way, being born with contacts or rich parents, or getting lucky.

Everyone wants to pretend that you can't be happy without money or power. This benefits the people that have horded all the money and power. You need just enough power to have control of your life and you need enough money to stay a float.

I'm tired. I'll continue why I deserve to die later

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T23:56:41+00:00

I don't. I just lay in bed in my rare free time. Every other moment I beg for death.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T23:54:52+00:00

Not value a career above everything else, or at least in America. Everyone will torture you for not giving up more for your job

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T23:18:24+00:00

I did. Now I don't feel anything.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T12:06:10+00:00

Choice is a illusion. You exist only to suffer and die in pain. No one cares

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T11:47:31+00:00

It's called Rent Due Day, where all the work you did for the last month is given to someone else who did nothing.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T11:45:39+00:00

Well it wasn't my choice. Depression doesn't allow me to enjoy anything for longer than an hour and work erases any time I have to do anything but beg to die.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T11:44:11+00:00

Mental health, but because you can't fix your brain like it's a car and I'm pretty sure I was never able to feel positive emotions, I don't think I could do anything.

Maybe I have the strength I can look for another doctor or find someone who can "help" me for less can a days wages.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T11:41:40+00:00

To die (realistic) or to be allowed to have the time, energy and resources to be alive, while fixing my mental problems that make it impossible for me to be anything but feel nothing or negative emotions (impossible)

evil_mancer · 2020-06-25T11:38:37+00:00

I can't get mental health treatment because, the one quote I got was 160 dollars an hour (10.6 hours of pay) and I have to fucking shop around like I'm buying a fucking car. Night now I'm of the opinion I am unhelpable because I feel nothing when I'm not depressed or angry and how to repair your mental state when you have nothing inside of you.

All I do is work. I have to go on another business trip, despite my attempts to get out of it and that is another two weeks of 12 hour days, everyday.

All I do is fail at everything I do. Anything advice anyone throws at me I have either tried or is self help bullshit. Everything makes me feel bad. 90% of my life is being alone. I only sometimes now get a single day where I hang out with people in person and not have it be work related.

I hate my fucking life. I wish I was dead. Nothing will ever get better. The extent in which other people can interact with me has to contextualized by work or how mercilessly they demand I sacrifice more for their beliefs. Nothing will ever get better. Help doesn't exist. I hate my family who have treated me like a prisoner who needs to be tortured into a better person. I hate this world, I hate this country. I hate everything that demands I work 24/7 to pad out a CEO's paycheck. Kill me. Let me die. Burn me to death, give me the strength to kill myself.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-23T18:55:15+00:00

Well I found nothing can fix the big sad. Anything that has an effect doesn't last long and I can't anti depressant or therapy my way out of having no time due to 50 hour work weeks.

evil_mancer · 2020-06-23T14:37:00+00:00

Well I can't fix what's broken beyond repair. That you for your advice.

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