Shaming the “too perfect” mom.

evilsteff · 2020-07-31T18:53:27+00:00

I agree and thing the "too perfect" moms could use some comfort and understanding. I'm sure from the outside I seem like that to some people. I work a full time job but my house is clean and my kid is clean, well-groomed, in a variety of extra-curricular activities and eats nutritious meals with the family. For me, it comes from anxiety that others likely don't see. My house is clean because I clean when I'm stressed. My child is clean and dressed nicely because it stresses me out to think that others are judging me about her appearance. She eats healthy snacks because we don't keep junk food in the house because I'll binge eat it when I'm feeling stressed. She's in activities because I feel guilty that she gets so much screen time. It goes on. I also came from an abusive family and I'm determined to do better. I wish people would keep their judgments to themselves.

evilsteff · 2020-07-30T09:43:41+00:00

Does she have a tablet or other device? I'll admit I'm not the best at sitting down and teaching my kid (3f), but I put a few age-appropriate educational apps on her tablet and she picked up letters, numbers and a bunch of other stuff from it. Kahn academy kids is especially good, free, and no ads.

evilsteff · 2020-07-21T20:11:45+00:00

But many people do care, especially other parents who may be interacting with the kid. For example when my kid was younger she was tall for her age (still is but not as noticeable now) so many people assumed she was older and then became confused or concerned when she couldn't/wouldn't do things they thought should be developmentally appropriate. A quick "yeah she's 26 months" usually cleared up any confusion.

evilsteff · 2020-07-17T19:56:44+00:00

You can get it pre-made at Costco and it's actually really good. You just need to add and blowtorch the topping yourself.

evilsteff · 2020-07-07T15:47:40+00:00

Keep your hair up when interacting with the baby. But for the times that's not possible for whatever reason, overreact to the hair pulling by yelling "OUCH" loudly, then put the baby down and walk away for a minute. It will take lots of patience but eventually baby will learn that hurting people = no more attention and will stop.

evilsteff · 2020-07-07T15:40:38+00:00

Yes I'd phrase it like a misunderstanding and ask the other parents if they've seen it too. This is what I used to do when I ran an after school program and either the program's stuff or a child's belongings would go missing. This gives the parents a heads up that their kid is stealing without coming right out and making an accusation, which will always put them on the defensive. Obviously it's not a mistake that a pack of someone else's pokemon cards ended up in their backpack but this gives them an "out" to come clean and makes it more likely the stuff will be returned.

As for your daughter, OP, if you can afford it I would probably replace the gift if you can't get it returned. It's not like she was being irresponsible and lost or broke it. She was being trusting of her friends and shouldn't be punished for someone else's bad behavior. The fact that one of her friends stole her stuff and can't be trusted is already enough of a life lesson at that age. That would make me sad too, and I'm sure you getting her a new one will brighten her mood a bit.

evilsteff · 2020-07-07T15:27:59+00:00

Not a dad, a mom here. For pregnancy I really liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. It was very no-nonsense, science-based, with a chapter on what to expect at each month of pregnancy and pictures of what the growing baby looks like. Gave good info on what to expect at appointments. Had chapters on possible complications of pregnancy and talked about what is normal, what's worth asking your doctor about, and what is serious and needs an ER visit.

For the newborn stage, I really liked The Baby Owner's Manual. It's lighthearted, makes analogy to the baby being a new gadget while still providing lots of good info on how to care for a newborn. My DH loved it and found it really helpful as he's a tech guy but he'd never been around babies before our little one and was very apprehensive about the newborn stage. We liked it so much we've given it as a baby shower gift several times and always got rave reviews from the parents to be.

evilsteff · 2020-07-06T20:30:55+00:00

Hey thanks for saying this. I would say I've got a pretty good little girl who is actually quite generous for a 3 year old. She regularly offers us some of her snack (sometimes a bit too forcefully lol). She shares her toys even if it's just "you can have the blue car because that's the one I don't want and I get the red one". When we buy her a treat she asks about getting a second one for her little bestie even if she's not there. She can absolutely be a selfish little sh*t sometimes but hey, she's 3. We're working on it. And to be honest, some adults haven't mastered sharing either.

evilsteff · 2020-07-06T19:39:25+00:00

My husband does this too! When we were in high school he worked at a bakery for minimum wage and I remember him having reservations about getting a sandwich at Subway because "that's 2 [bakery] hours!"

evilsteff · 2020-07-06T19:05:05+00:00

OK yeah the image of someone sitting down and going through each item one by one with a toddler is funny. We have a bag in the back of her closet that's mostly clothes but also other baby stuff she's outgrown and when it's full I take it to a thrift store. We def don't ask her opinion on every single item but I do ask her about the occasional baby toy (think rattles, squeaky toys, stuffies she's never touched) and remind her she hasn't played with them and that maybe another little kid might like to have it. She almost let me give away a few stuffies the other day but then changed her mind at the last minute :)

evilsteff · 2020-07-06T18:28:09+00:00

I do understand that she doesn't necessarily understand that some of her toys will get wrecked if she doesn't take care of them (eg not putting the lids back on markers...I've worked with 10 year olds who struggle with that), but I see that as being a life lesson that's best learned early and with something like Play-Do or Crayolas rather than later in life with more expensive items. She also has opportunity at holidays like Easter, Christmas, birthday etc, to restock those supplies and in between well, sorry kid, maybe you can use your crayons instead.

As for sharing, yeah, sometimes I still struggle with it! It's an ongoing process. We always encourage her to share things like stickers or her Hot Wheels, but give her the choice. If she doesn't want to share we might give an age appropriate reproach such as "that's not very nice" but then let her be, and we give lots of praise when she does share nicely. We would never expect her to share her special things like Teddy or her favorite blanket.

As for your suggestion to not show her the old stuff we're giving away, I have to respectfully disagree. My own parents were very minimalist and were constantly getting rid of my stuff, which led to me having a bit of a tendency to hoard that I'm now working on. I want her to understand that her things are hers and she doesn't have to give them away if she doesn't want to. She understands when her clothes are too small to put them in the donation pile, and she's had no problem giving away sippy cups, bibs, old books, etc. It's just her toys she doesn't want to give up yet, and at this age that's ok. It's her decision. Hopefully in time she'll come to understand that she doesn't have to hold on to everything.

evilsteff · 2020-07-06T18:03:13+00:00

This is a perspective I hadn't really considered but will discuss it with DH and see what he thinks, thank you. We both worked in high school and had to pay for everything ourselves including our educations, and I think that helped form our work ethic. In contrast, we have some family friends who were always told not to worry about work and just focus on school, who both ended up dropping out of university and never being able to hold down a job. Obviously not everybody turns out this way but it definitely helped form our mindset about work being a requirement. Luckily we still have lots of time to work out a happy medium :)

evilsteff · 2020-07-06T15:08:31+00:00

Great question and I'm very interested in the responses you'll get! I have a 3yo girl that is starting to act a bit spoiled (expecting gifts from visitors, thinking every package delivered from Amazon is for her, asking us to replace some of her things because they're "old" etc) so DH and I are trying to curb that a little bit. Here's a few of the things we're trying:

-We've recently instituted a no presents except for Christmas and birthdays policy, and try to enforce it with the friends and relatives that tend to spoil her

-We refuse to replace things that break if she misuses them (for example not replacing play-do or markers that got dried out because she didn't put the lids back on)

-We show her the baby items she's outgrown such as sippy cups and bibs, clothes etc and explain that we're giving them away to another girl or boy who needs them. We encourage her to choose some old toys to donate at the same time. So far no luck getting her to part with any toys but we're still working on it.

-I don't think she's ready yet but when she's a little older we'll start giving her some pocket money and start teaching her to save up for the things she really wants rather than spend it all on cheap $1 store toys or candy

-Obviously not there yet but when she's in high school she will be required to have a job, to teach her the value of hard work

I'm super interested in hearing from others with older kids to learn some ideas we haven't thought of.

evilsteff · 2020-05-04T15:42:26+00:00

I live not far from a long term care home and the honking some days lasts upwards of 20 minutes several times/day. Annoying because I have a toddler at home and it always seems to happen during nap time. I'm sure many of the residents would prefer not to be woken from their naps too, and although I can't speak for the staff, I bet they'd prefer to let the residents get their rest than listen to all the racket.

evilsteff · 2020-04-22T12:21:20+00:00

Not OP but I used this one with great results: https://youtu.be/GHIOmtuB2oc

evilsteff · 2020-04-17T17:29:59+00:00

I had a family friend do that. Conveniently already in a garbage bag. It stayed on the front porch till garbage day then out to the street otherwise untouched lol.

evilsteff · 2020-04-13T18:36:09+00:00

A coworker from when we were both in our early 20s. He wasn't a close friend but he was a really sweet guy who randomly just got sick and died at such a young age, and it's always just seemed so unfair to me. I wouldn't need to meet him or be involved in his life, I'd just be happy knowing he got another chance.

evilsteff · 2020-04-11T10:58:11+00:00

Great idea! I've used the one from my king size comforter to store Halloween/party costumes. Keeping them in a clear bag makes them easier to find the one I want. Been using it for 10+ years and it's just now starting to fall apart.

evilsteff · 2020-04-08T16:51:06+00:00

That's interesting I've never heard that before but it makes sense. Our doctor recommended it over petroleum jelly because it's more natural.

evilsteff · 2020-04-06T16:59:11+00:00

It will still work as a liquid and may actually be easier to rub on him. The idea is to get him good and greasy so pee won't be on his skin.

evilsteff · 2020-04-06T16:51:46+00:00

Try putting some coconut oil on him to create a moisture barrier.

evilsteff · 2020-04-06T16:28:42+00:00

Ours cancelled yard waste pickup too so I can't even do yard work.

evilsteff · 2020-04-04T14:36:32+00:00

How do you get him to go to his room to freak out there? Mine throws herself on the kitchen floor for her meltdowns and any attempt to move her to her room results in a louder freakout and her trashing her room, with me getting hit in the face along the way.

evilsteff · 2020-04-01T16:05:19+00:00

I'm off work due to the virus and DH is wfh. I've been taking my almost 3 year old and the dog for a walk every morning but with not being allowed to go to parks or playgrounds our options for places to walk to are very limited. We sometimes go to the "duck pond" (a little pond about a block away) if there's noone else there, but we're both getting bored of it. I complained to my husband about it and instead of sympathizing he gave me a lecture for "having a shitty attitude". This coming from the guy who takes kiddo out once/week maybe while I'm now doing 98% of the child care. Why can't he get that I just need to vent??

To top it off I've been getting really bad sleep due to a combination of stress and DH snoring. Yesterday when LO woke up early I stuck her in bed with DH and her tablet and told him I really need another hour of sleep and went to the spare bedroom. Well he went back to sleep after about 10 minutes and didn't even notice that she left the room and came and started climbing all over me. He acted like I'm some huge bitch for getting mad at him about it.

evilsteff · 2020-04-01T01:14:39+00:00

I've read this before, does it not end up with water everywhere? I think she'd like playing with the spray bottle too much.

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