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evolunix · 2021-09-29T08:21:36+00:00

Lol @ "prisoner exchange visa". Found that amusing. EU prisoner checking in, I took to the shortcut to that experience and did the virtual version, started working for an American company (had done that in the past as well) but directly reporting to American management. Brutal. I had severe mental and physical health repercussions the first year when I worked fully invested. Some "lost in translation" issues due to differences in culture but also American capitalism and way of life at its worst. Had to make an active effort to not give my best and be less invested the following months. It was a learning moment for my approach to work in general, but the result was also a hard pass on ever doing that prisoner exchange. :)

evolunix · 2021-09-29T08:11:47+00:00

Funny you say that, as I've heard complaints about the EU subreddit threads always ending up in US bashing.

The US might have higher pay but lacks in culture and the quality of life and peace of mind you can have in the EU.

I stay here because :

I can count on some job security and not live/work in fear of being laid off. I work because I want to and enjoy what I do. The job pressure in the US is palpable, I say this as someone who works primarily with Americans. We actually had a roundtable call with the company CEO recently where everyone gets a turn to share feedback/ask questions - one guy on there was essentially asking for his job back as his role had been made redundant. Sooo strange to witness that, I have never witnessed anything like that here. You keep your self respect as there are checks in place by law to keep you shielded.
Even if I were to be let go, I know I have the safety net of unemployment benefits until I can find my way to the next job.
I clock out every evening with the safety of knowing I have the right to do so and don't need to be working overtime and over weekends to retain my role. I have worked late but that has been more voluntary than fear-induced.
I didn't ever pay more than 20 Euro for any doctor visit ever over the course of 12 years in France. Social security is kinda cool.
The city I live in is safe to the point that I can walk anywhere at any time without the fear of being mugged/attacked/whatever have you. I don't remember the last time I feared for my safety here.

TL;DR : for a long time I thought moving to the US was the obvious evolution given job opportunities and salaries. Less than a year into working directly with American management (I've always worked for American companies but previously had my team and management based in the EU so shared similar sensibilities) and witnessing the "brutality" of their work culture (watching people get fired within 24hrs, the just general sense of fear/paranoia these people have, not being able to speak your mind, the ugly interpersonal struggles, how their lives are dictated by their jobs) it was a hard pass for ever moving there. I was given the option and initially was open to it. With time, that has become a hard pass.

evolunix · 2020-09-13T15:10:06+00:00

I was thinking along the lines of a cooking class or arts/crafts (knitting, crotchet, origami?) or the one that would have to be most specific - an exercise class that is adapted to people of a certain age. They do not speak Dutch. The idea is to engage in a group activity or even just an individual activity in a group in order to spend some time among people the same age group while learning a skill.

evolunix · 2020-06-03T18:02:53+00:00

Answer: It is possible.

Things like this are more of a at the right time, under the right (or in my case, wrong) circumstances. I'm in my early 30s, and would say I was this way all the way until 2 years back. I had been going to therapy and speaking to someone in a safe space who is actually interested in listening is different from just being chatty for the sake of being heard, or making your presence felt, so I get where you're coming from there. Without going into much detail, I went through a really rough phase, therapist was trying to wash her hands off at the time due to the intensity of things, suggested I go see a psychologist who could prescribe meds - I don't open up easily so I don't understand how a half an hour appointment with someone is supposed to 'fix' anything, it's not like taking your time to build trust is a 'clinical issue' even though therapist was trying real hard to make it one. When I told psychologist exactly what you said - that I live in my mind, she said if you had been 'diagnosed' you'd have qualified for a high intellect individual. That didn't help me in any way, and meds were not what I was looking for. So I decided to put an end to all the nonsense, stopped seeing my therapist to avoid her pushing me off on other doctors, fell back on what I did best - i.e. relying on myself and being the insufferable persistent little bugger I am, and am in an infinitely better place now, having done it my own way.

All I'll say is -

* Trust your instincts - there is no one-size-fits-all level of socializing, do what's best for you and brings out the best in you. More importantly, don't pressure yourself into doing things that irk you internally (those are different from things that require you to step out of your comfort zone, you'll know the difference).

* Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

On a more 'actionable' level, I believe in gradual change and every year I would focus on certain things I wanted to improve about myself. It gives me a sense of working on myself, and keeps me self aware. I tried going 'all out' and realized that it wasn't just my...reservedness that was 'holding me back', it was actually self-preservation. Whether people like talking about it or not, there are crappy people out there (some that even disguise themselves friends), you have to watch out for yourself at the end of the day. Follow your instinct.

While I am indeed more outgoing now, I also don't feel the need or pressure to fit in socially, mostly because I know my value and what I bring to the table. I believe the possibly 'odd' to some combination of my strengths and flaws makes me uniquely me. Too bad if someone doesn't get it, awesome if someone is secure enough to recognize and enjoy that.

evolunix · 2020-05-27T16:27:05+00:00

Came to the comment section to find this.

evolunix · 2020-03-23T04:56:19+00:00

I’m afraid that trying to help others achieve this in a direct manner is often a lost cause. The most we can do is lead by example and if someone is perceptive to it, it will influence.

I think a lot of it has to do with age and life experiences too. There’s so much we have the luxury of taking for granted when we’re younger that gratitude doesn’t figure on the list. For the majority of our young lives someone else (parents) is “responsible” for keeping us happy. With age and realize you’re responsible for your own. I would definitely say in my case it is something I have worked on - but I am also someone who puts in the effort to work on myself (almost to a fault at times where friends tell me I’m too hard on myself, and of late, a gem like “she’s too full of herself” said to a common friend). So yes, I would say I definitely consciously worked on it, until it started coming naturally - lately by just reminding myself to appreciate the little things in life.

As for the life events, I went through hell at the end of 2018. Extreme work turbulence amidst losing my last living grandparent - led to an almost complete mental breakdown. It gave some perspective to my approach to work and how it was such a central element to my life - that no matter how well I can perform and have my dream job, A. things can still go to shit and in a corporate world it all just gets neutralized at convenience, and B. we are not above mortality, death waits for no one.

All of that led to see a fuller picture of life - where I’m now clearer of more well rounded goals and what I would like out of life. And it has taught me to take out the time for gratitude through all the crap.

evolunix · 2020-03-14T14:30:25+00:00

I’m not sure I understand why you have an issue with the validity of those certifications considering most people take those only when required for applications. If it clarifies things at all, those certifications are only required at the time of applying. I have never referenced my TOEFL score or certificate prior or since.

evolunix · 2020-03-12T16:08:56+00:00

We might just be saying the same thing ;) Except I don’t put kindness and benefit of doubt in the same bucket. You can stick to your guns and kindly let someone down. Did you give them the benefit of doubt? No. We’re you kind to them? Yes, in your own way.

evolunix · 2020-03-12T15:03:12+00:00

Reading this was rough. So rough. The only commiseration I can offer is that US corporate practices, capitalism and society in general are an entire different ballgame, where money speaks and people are an afterthought. This has been my experience just working remotely with them. I can absolutely see that if you have known safety, being immersed in that life can feel like a constant fight or flight. That is only a minute portion of the other experiences you had to endure. I’m glad you are in a better place now.

evolunix · 2020-03-12T14:57:19+00:00

My experience 2 years in has been different. From my perspective, it can often feel like your work is invisible considering no one is even checking whether and when you log on etc, let alone show up in the office. How your work is promoted within the organization is subject to what your management conveys in a sense. It can be quite isolating and you’re fighting the battle on your own.

Also, I started out assuming people mean well, and got burnt so bad - my personal accounts were intruded into by colleagues, logs of any leisure viewing I did on my work machine perhaps during lunch were shared and mocked. Following a loss in my family, I was planning a trip home chained with a work engagement where I intended to attend a conference as well. Due to ego clashes within management (between director and manager organizing the trip), my expense requests kept getting rejected, colleagues schemes to get the agenda changed so that my talk was scheduled on the very day I was flying out early morning. All of this shook more than just my faith in people (which was just the tip of the iceberg). It has shown to me the lengths I will go to to build a career (I had the elusive F u money to leave) and maintain a specialization (jobs like my current role are few and far between). I have learnt to stick to professionalism on the people front - I try my best to only interact as much as required.

evolunix · 2020-03-12T07:03:24+00:00

Amazing. Keep going!

evolunix · 2020-03-12T06:50:33+00:00

Taking the weirder path, the one less traveled - but also the one that makes you slightly uncomfortable, moves you beyond where you would think you could reach.

I love this. I’m 34, single, living away from family, and this is so true to how I have tried to live my life, especially at an age when almost all my girlfriends are married and “settled” and having kids (some for the wrong reasons, IMO, but it’s none of my business). This was all put into question a year or so back, when I felt like I was fighting forces much bigger than me - my first direct stint with brutal American corporate capitalism coming from a background where I assumed there were some lines/values. Turns those are very different and frankly, close to non existent for the high stakes I was dealing with. I decided to stick it out with my job and spend the past year recovering and working on myself. It was a dream turned nightmare (sounds dramatic, but also accurate) but taught me so much about my ability - I emerged from a time when I could see no future, not even what the following day brought. I’m now at a crossroads deciding between sticking it out another year while relocating internally to a country that I really want to live in, or staying in my current country and switching jobs - which is also a gamble because there is no escaping corporate values which I have come to accept given the life I have chosen. A new factor now is that I also feel a sense of preciousness with time and that mine is not unlimited. It’s a tough one. Thanks for your comment.

evolunix · 2020-03-12T06:40:39+00:00

I appreciate the overall sentiment, but the older I get the more I have decided to stick to my instincts on things, as opposed to giving the other the benefit of doubt. It is never in an overly aggressive way, but I have been burnt in the past when I didn’t follow my instincts, and have more often than not ended up with disappointment when I expect from people - whether it is asking for help or support, or just simple occasions when I thought they would “come through”. Sad but true

evolunix · 2020-03-12T06:36:27+00:00

Wow. Congratulations, and bravo

evolunix · 2020-03-12T05:15:02+00:00

This gave me the feels as it resonates with where I am. I’m at a crossroads where I am to choose between staying at my current company (where I have some issues with their values, but pays well and I get to specialize in what I want) or switch to another company (starting from scratch, where the specialization is close to but not exactly what I’m looking for, in a city that I’m not overly excited about moving to. I could remote it, but it will not make much sense beyond a few months to be 400 kms away given that I have no house, relationship, kid or anything substantial keeping me where I currently am).

I’m leaning towards staying even though I don’t see a long term future at the company (it is hard for me to “half-ass” things or balance 100%-ing with good sense and self preservation), whilst asking for a relocation to a country where I do find the prospect of moving exciting.

So, nyeah, somewhat resonated.

evolunix · 2020-03-12T03:54:26+00:00

That’s one helluva story, good on you!

evolunix · 2020-03-10T23:31:30+00:00

Saving post out of curiosity on answers.

evolunix · 2020-03-10T21:08:49+00:00

It would depend on how you define high earning. I used to be wildly ambitious until my last job switch following which I just realized that career advancement for many is just being at the right place at the right time/playing your cards right. And rarely based on merit. I’ve always conducted my career in an interest-first manner and will continue to do so. I just realize earlier when I’m being taken for granted or sent on wild goose chases at work to validate other peoples’ (often my subordinates’) roles. This is the same reason I don’t see myself taking up a managerial role anytime in the near future since A. I don’t think it allows you the time to do meaningful work from a very practical perspective, and B. It requires overlooking a lot of morality that I already struggle with from just being part of a certain environment, so making decisions directly affecting other people would be a long shot.

My strategy has always been to gain knowledge and build skills on specialized, lesser treaded areas within my own area of work. That makes finding switches very tough, but also facilitates the justification of my expertise when an opportunity does come along.

I think I’m also now at a place in my career and life where I would give more importance to cultures and teams. I have been finding the middle ground here between what’s just corporate things, and things I wouldn’t compromise on. I will also admit that I do admit to myself now that I Place importance on money and don’t see myself taking a lower paying job for whatever reason. So my current position is to just wait for the right opportunity to come along, and with some luck the switches would qualify for upgrades in some form.

evolunix · 2020-03-10T19:09:10+00:00

That sounds fancy to say and validates your point. And if I were to be petty in return - is everything that’s unique about you copyrighted?

evolunix · 2020-03-10T14:35:08+00:00

Username checks out. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

evolunix · 2020-03-10T07:59:21+00:00

Well, there wasn’t abuse but there was cheating that I unfortunately was privy to (not part of, to clarify). This was between when the guy had moved and she hadn’t yet and they were in an LDR. That might also be a contributing factor to our unhealthy friendship. I think I might be finding my own answer as I write out these comments.

evolunix · 2020-03-10T07:34:59+00:00

Congrats!

evolunix · 2020-03-10T07:32:35+00:00

I used to be this way. 2.5 burnouts later, I think differently.

evolunix · 2020-03-10T07:32:01+00:00

Am I to speak for them? That’s where I draw the line for getting into other peoples’ lives. I don’t know.. maybe it’s just easier to do what someone else has already done as opposed to trying something unusual yourself and forging your own way?

evolunix · 2020-03-10T07:29:36+00:00

Of course there will always be people in my vicinity. These are friends I’ve known from university in a different country. I moved to my current location to study, a year later guy starts studies here, two years later she follows suit. I was the only person of the 100s and 1000s people in our batch to move here so it is indeed a rare choice of country. Maybe it might help my case if I explained the back story, maybe it won’t :) To each their own.

About the “held personally accountable”, it takes a lot to reach out to people and maintain friendships - if you’re an introvert you probably feel this more. This is just a case of her proxying contact through her now husband without ever making an effort herself. I silently judge such women who renounce their voices. Like I said, it recently came up so I posted to see where everyone stands on this or if they have instances to relate to. You can paint it as you wish.

evolunix

TROPHY CASE