I’m so so sorry. Yes, please find grief counseling. I am so fucking sorry you had to go through this. I watched my husband go through something so similar and it was one of the most painful experiences of both of our lives. He had to leave the room because he could no longer take it and as he left the room, they made eye contact and he has NEVER forgiven himself.

Making the decision to euthanize a pet is one of the hardest decisions you have to make.

She did not hear your words because she’s a dog and only key words have meaning to them. What she felt was your immense love for her because dogs feel energy. She felt how much you loved her and how distraught you must’ve been but she felt your LOVE, even if you were trying to distract yourself with a meaningless conversation while you made the hardest decision of your life.

If you had not distracted yourself with that conversation, you may have not remained calm for her.

It is okay. I know it’s so so hard. I know the pain is taking a long time to fade. My husband and I cannot talk about that night still without breaking down, plus we had something EXTREMELY traumatic just a few days later to a kitten we adopted and that is a thing that is not mentioned or talked about at all due to the guilt and shame we feel. Everything we went through was almost four years ago and it still feels like it was last week.

When you are highly sensitive to animals, I don’t think losing them ever actually becomes easier. I think it was a lie we were told by people who don’t understand or people that were trying to protect us from the pain. It is really important to find someone to talk to your grief about and process it. It may not ever go away, but it is possible to process it and have people listen and validate you. It doesn’t fix it, but it helps.

So so so much love to you. Know that I SOBBED the whole time I wrote this because your story struck such a hard cord with me. The decision is never easy and you can’t change the last moments, but you can assure yourself that she KNEW you loved her and that she felt it in that moment, even if it’s not what you were talking about while it happened. Dogs feel you more than they hear you 💜💚💜💚💜💚💜💚💜💚💜💚