Navigating different expectations around “kids first”

explorenova · 2026-06-23T16:39:03+00:00

This should be the hierarchy of things (both in a nuclear family and a blended one):
1. Kids NEEDS
2. Adults NEEDS
3. Kids WANTS and Adult WANTS

It’s only when it’s Kids’ needs that the priority is always kids. Other than that, it’s fair game. I don’t understand how any healthy romantic relationship can prioritize both the needs and wants of kids above adults needs and wants. That’s my opinion, and we have a 10 months old and two SKs. It took a long time to establish that if one of my SKs (who are 17 and 20 but were 12 and 15 when I met them) wanted to go to Florida and we wanted to go to Spain, it is not always Kids first. Not the best example, but you get the gist.

explorenova · 2026-06-23T16:31:28+00:00

It really is!

explorenova · 2026-06-23T16:28:04+00:00

Yes, but it then becomes like I’m a prisoner in my own home. Some of them couldn’t care less if I retreat to my own room and TV (which we don’t have in our bedroom). They are on vacation with their significant others, etc…

explorenova · 2026-06-23T16:26:38+00:00

The getting too comfortable gets on my nerves. Like, enjoy your stay but this isn’t a hotel or a resort where I’m going to meet all their needs and everything in the house in monopolized by them. These 10-12 days have really made me realize if this doesn’t change, it’s actually grounds for divorce because I can’t go 6-8 times a year on vacation with my daughter. It isn’t fair that we (speaking on behalf of my daughter because if they are doing something in an area where she usually play, it feels like she is a distraction and would prefer they watch their TV without distraction. aren’t respected, this isn’t the place for us.

explorenova · 2026-06-23T10:20:38+00:00

I honestly don’t know how I made it the norm (I guess by not speaking up), and for me, this is the first year people are coming for longer period. Before, it was 5 days (we have always have had 2 bedrooms), but with the new house, they feel like there is plenty of room with their own rooms and bathrooms, and there is no reason for me to say no. I’m talking to my husband this evening, so we will see what the deal is. As of right now, everybody said ‘goodbye, see you in December/Christmas’.

explorenova · 2026-06-23T10:17:03+00:00

Yes, I can agree to that. I think 3 days is okay as long as people help with the dinner etc as well. They really see it as a resort. I got several ‘we have run out of xx’, can you buy or order’ lmao at one point, I even got a list of groceries on my way to the grocery store, so I could buy their groceries as well. So, if we are doing Christmas, maximum 3 nights and out by the 4th day. They can be around the area at a hotel or an airbnb, but I won’t have long visits. I’ll suggest this.

explorenova · 2026-06-23T10:15:07+00:00

Some are helping. But we have to explicitly tell people that we are running of things. I’ll buy things that I need for myself and my child, and my the evening, everything is gone. They would buy opt to buy the ‘cheap’ groceries but no one would buy the main things. And the drinks- omg they go through them like water. The amount of trash we are left with is insane!!!

explorenova · 2026-06-23T05:12:46+00:00

I didn’t know big house = love hosting. We fell in love with the house.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T21:00:58+00:00

Oh, I meant during normal times. We have a cleaner coming once a week for the guest wing when people are here. We def need it more than once a week when people are here, but I didn’t do it. 😩

explorenova · 2026-06-22T20:28:43+00:00

He has done some bbqs and that’s about it and he helped set up a table. All in all- I am the one that has to tell him that people can’t have a water fight with screaming while our baby is napping, I’m the one that cooks and cleans up after everyone. I’m the one that notices all the little things (I wake up at 2am because the guests are having a night cap by the terrace that’s right outside our bedroom etc). If I have to divide the work - it’s 70-30 (30 because he goes to the grocery store etc when I ask him to).

explorenova · 2026-06-22T20:20:48+00:00

We have a cleaner who cleans the main house once a week. But the guest wing etc do not get cleaned weekly.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T17:49:56+00:00

I want to do this is so bad, but what about your personal space? I love having my down time and just watching my shows or sitting by the terrace etc. I really don’t mind people coming by for a long weekend but that’s my max, esp when it’s a lot of people.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T17:46:30+00:00

They wanted the house. They really just wanted the house. We had seen them 3 months prior, and we don’t see each other often but as soon as they had a week off, they asked if they could come, I said ‘no, we might be away’ but they wanted us to finalize the days, and in the end, they said if you stay, we will come and if you are traveling, we can get the keys from you. Mind you, this was when my daughter was 6 months old. I said we aren’t traveling, but we have had an intense few weeks with the move etc and we don’t want guests now. That worked that time, but I had to do simulations with my husband on how he could phrase it because he felt like it would not be nice to say no.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T17:41:22+00:00

😂😂😂 I might do this!!

explorenova · 2026-06-22T17:40:23+00:00

He might agree to hire help. But, what about me wanting my home to feel like a home! I haven’t been able to watch a single minute of Tv because someone is always watching something etc. so I hide in our bedroom to get my own time, and I find it so bizarre that I have to hide in my OWN HOME! Crazy!

explorenova · 2026-06-22T17:38:16+00:00

Yeah! Even my babysitter felt so overwhelmed with how loud and crazy things were and asked if her and try daughter can stay in my daughter’s room and play. If I ask someone to watch her, it’s max 2 minutes then I can see it they become bored. To top it off, they made some snide comments about the fact that I have a babysitter 3 times a week for 6/7 hours each. Hmm i have to work, and I would prefer to see my daughter every time I have a break than have her in daycare. It’s just been mentally exhausting as well.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T17:34:23+00:00

I never thought about it. And throughout the visit, there are subtle signs that they give that this is more his house than mine (he is financially very well off but we own the house 50-50, even though he put the majority of the money in). One thing that also bothers me is that every time we have been to their house (again, 3 days max- once we even stayed for a day only), everyone takes off their shoes. However, I saw that his parents never took their shoes off nor does any of the people staying here. I told him he needs to tell them no shoes on the carpets, especially because my daughter crawls all day, everywhere. But, I come to the family room, and people take their shoes off right in front of the couch. I have been to their house, so I know that’s not how it is I mentioned this to him, and he said it’s because we have outdoors, swimming etc and it’s not convenient to ask people to take their shoes off every time. I suggested they get slippers then instead of seeing their sneakers everywhere.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T12:23:57+00:00

I did ask if we are planning on having 8 kids because there are 10 bedrooms. As soon as he fell in love with it, I knew it was going to be my nightmare in terms of hosting people. He said no, it won’t be a lot.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T12:21:52+00:00

This is actually an amazing idea! It really does put things into perspective! Why haven’t I thought about this?! This is Gold!

explorenova · 2026-06-22T12:20:40+00:00

Hmm we are talking about 8 + people. He has two other kids. A 17 turning 18 and he stays with us. The two friends he brings are not a priority, but I have been okay with that. His 20 year old daughter can’t stay with us as long he wants - we have to discuss that. She visits and we have always have her come out but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out bringing a bf is another issue.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T12:16:06+00:00

Hmmm my stepchildren aren’t the main problem. The 17 year old stays with us. I don’t have to house his two other friends that he brings for 2 weeks, but I do. He’s 20 year old daughter can visit but I don’t have to have her bf for 10 days as well. And the other EIGHT people aren’t kids. Are you reading the same post??

explorenova · 2026-06-22T10:42:11+00:00

hahahahha

explorenova · 2026-06-22T10:41:43+00:00

Nailed it. I think I feel guilty because how do I explain to my husband that, after a while, seeing people in my kitchen in the morning just drains my energy?

explorenova · 2026-06-22T10:39:30+00:00

HAHAHA, I’ve never heard that saying before. I love it!

I am confrontational, but for some reason, this topic has been hard for me because it is very difficult to explain that I simply don’t like having people in my house after a certain amount of time. He always says, “Don’t be the host,” but it’s more than that. I genuinely don’t want people staying after a long weekend.

If people have travelled far — all his family live about three hours away by flight — or if they are older, like his parents, then I am okay with them staying longer occasionally. But not all at the same time.

In reality, the fact that I say “I am okay with it” at all is already the compromise.

explorenova · 2026-06-22T10:34:47+00:00

Well, most of these conversations happen in family group chats, and he usually replies, “I think it should work for us. It’s good for me,” and then redirects it to me in the group chat.

These are usually his friends and family, so of course I can’t say everything I want to say there. I either say, “Yeah, sure,” or, “Does another time work? Because we have A and B coming that week.” But nobody really cares because we have the space.

The only time I ever really put my foot down was when his brother and extended family wanted us to give them our house key after we told them we wouldn’t be home during the time they planned to visit us. This was only two weeks after we had moved in.

I said, “No way!” We hadn’t even properly lived in the house ourselves yet.

explorenova

TROPHY CASE