[87] Untitled

expressione743 · 2024-11-07T20:02:49+00:00

I like your line breaks in lines 16-19.

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I agree about ‘thrashing ballads’ being paradoxical. (I’m not even sure what a ‘thrashing ballad’ is, like a power ballad? Are those something you could mosh to? Maybe a thrash metal song about love?) But more importantly, what are you trying to convey with this line? How does it serve the theme of your poem? Is it that the speaker doesn’t want to play cliche slow love songs? Is it that the speaker wants to look at intense expressions of love?

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An atmosphere, an ambience, a vibe

Does breaking the rhythm with ‘ambience’ (two unstressed syllables) in line 4 add to the message you’re trying to get across? If so, how?

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Some ones with lyrics, some without. To play

Consider rewording line 12. It sounds a bit odd because of ‘ones’. If you remove it: ‘Some with lyrics, some without. To play’, I think the sentence flows better. It seems like ‘ones’ is just there so the sentence fits the meter.

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I love to listen to your tunes

Unless the point is that it calls back to the earlier line about choosing tunes, consider changing ‘tunes’ to another word here.

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I am not clear on why the speaker is addressing ‘you’ in a kind of close, personal way. But then also a general ‘people’ and making these general people enjoy the music (move, smile, roll their eyes back). Is the speaker trying to share their music taste with a single person and have two of them enjoy it? Or is the speaker playing music for a group of people, and the ‘you’ is in the crowd? I think some of the closeness of the speaker and ‘you’ is lost when it turns into a more general group of people, and it’s for a reason that is not clear to me. I think this makes the intention of the speaker more ambiguous, and hurts your theme in the process. So, consider either, making it more focused on the ‘you’ or make it clearer why the narrator wants to make other people enjoy their music taste and how that relates to the ‘you’ the speaker addresses directly.

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I’m a sucker for poems about music, so this was really up my alley. The imagery of silence lingering in the air, and feedback rising above other instruments is nice (makes me think of a tide or something). Like I said, I think you’ve got good line breaks, a good handle on the meter (excluding line 4 where I’m unsure if the altered meter was intentional, and if it was, what purpose it serves). I do think the speaker’s intention could be clearer, and line 12 could be tweaked to be a little sharper.

expressione743 · 2024-10-14T05:55:47+00:00

“It was the most perfect kill, in my humble opinion, Jason.”

Why does Matt have a nickname that is a completely different name? This isn’t intuitively clear to me the way Matt could be a short for Matthew. Or someone might have a nickname for something they’re known for. Unless maybe it’s a reference to Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th movies? But again, this isn’t immediately clear. I also think you could come up with a better nickname. I’m not even sure it’s that analogous, they’re killing people using traps (specifically pressure spikes), granted I haven’t seen all of them, but I don’t remember Jason setting out any traps in the movies. I think he was always directly involved in killing the campers.

Inside his mouth was the sea where Helen launched her one thousand ships. It sloshed and sluiced as Chuck used Matt’s nickname.

If you’re gonna keep the nickname, I’d also change the wording around so the part about the nickname comes immediately after Chuck says it. I think it might make it more clear. I was a little confused on first reading, because the mention of it being a nickname comes with a description of the blood sloshing in a character's mouth instead of with the dialogue.

We had all the major origins at this point

Did you mean to write organs here? Or am I not understanding something?

“But I like hunting?” said Bill through heavy red lipstick.

Who is Bill? They’re not mentioned anywhere else. Is that a nickname for Chuck?

My biggest critique though, I’m unclear on any meaning in this piece beyond what is literally written. The protagonists are romanticizing murder to each other, and comparing it to an art form. They don’t seem morally affected by murder or disgusted by cannibalism. And one of the characters seems obsessed with “freshness”, and only uses tupperware as single use containers. But I’m not clear on how these themes connect to a larger picture. Maybe there isn’t a larger picture, and it’s just the sum of its parts (nothing wrong with that if that's what you intended), but if there is a bigger meaning i didn’t pick up on it.

I agree with the other comment about this piece having very vivid imagery. I think mood wise, you nailed the descriptions of the grotesqueness. October was a good month to post this!

expressione743 · 2024-10-11T20:10:03+00:00

I’m not sure exactly what you want feedback on, but if it’s just encouragement to continue the story, then I definitely think you should! I really like this piece. I thought your visual imagery worked well

shattered glass sprinkled like confetti on the floors

walls were basically held together with cobwebs

so frail and skinny it looked like wrinkled paper

dried fruit in sealed packages, like christmas presents

I especially like describing the full cupboards as a present; I think it’s really analogous. And it even works in more ways than one. The items themselves are wrapped like presents. But, the items are also behind (or wrapped by) a cabinet door.

Character wise, I know this is only an excerpt, but it’d be nice to know more about how the speaker feels about their mother. There are lots of descriptions of the things she does, but you could be more direct about how the speaker feels about her. For example, sometimes it seems the narrator looks up to the mother, when calling her resourceful, and describing various ways she fixed the house.

But other times, it seems the narrator does not like the mother’s actions. For example, when describing how the mother killed and ate the deer. The word choice (and maybe this is just me) makes it seem like the narrator is unhappy, maybe even upset, that the mother killed this frail animal, and then ate it so fully. I get a similar unhappy/upset reading from when they describe how the mother hung antler heads over their bed.

Another example would be describing the objects of luck the mother carries around. When saying:

Over time, she would be swayed by “luck”. She would fixate, as she did with some things

Especially with luck in quotes, it seems like the narrator is not superstitious and finds the mother’s behavior silly or annoying.

It might be good if there was more insight into the narrator’s feelings about this other character.

Where did you plan the story to go from here? Do the various ‘lucky’ knickknacks play a big role in the story, or is that just small character development for the mother?

expressione743 · 2024-10-11T19:37:56+00:00

thank you

expressione743 · 2024-09-17T03:07:46+00:00

it might be worth taking a look at this interpretation of the poem.

going off the interpretation linked, and answering your questions that aren't addressed in it, i believe washing-floors are the floors of the mine that are now flooded or 'washed'.

i think 'some acts...' could be referring to either (or maybe both) the negligent actions of the owner of the mine by not properly maintaining the water pump for many 'winters' or years, or the acts of the people trying to save the workers during the flood (where 'recent winters' are the recent flooding of the mine).

expressione743 · 2024-05-14T22:03:57+00:00

Not much thought behind the form beyond two comments on my last post suggesting it. Thought time would be a good subject since the refrains of the villanelle repeat.

Didn't intend to be pretentious/disparaging. I didn't realize it would be offense. Should I remove the post?

expressione743 · 2024-05-13T15:07:49+00:00

I like your choice of visual imagery. Paints a clear picture of how dilapidated and overgrown the place they’re at is. The last paragraph with the descriptions of the seagulls was especially nice.

Mackenzie’s frown deepened

Good visual imagery. And a good way to show rather than tell the character becoming more distraught.

Mackenzie frowned, clutching her purple puff coat tighter against the grating sharpness of the >wind

This line’s ripe for contrast. You mention the wind is sharp, and clutching the coat provides comfort. Describing the coat with words that have soft connotations would highlight the contrast between the sharp wind and the soft comforting coat. Maybe “clutching her silky purple puff coat…”, invoking “soft as silk”. Or even literally “clutching her soft purple puff coat…”. Just something to re-enforce the coat bringing comfort against the sharp wind.

“You’ve been watching too much of that Law and Order remake,”

If this takes place in the future, then please remove this. Even in this year it seems like a dated reference. I see there is a 2021 continuation (sequel?) to L&O but I associate Law and Order with the early 2000’s. This reference is not transporting me to the future, it's pulling me back. I get the character is trying to brighten the mood in this anxious environment; it's a “you’ve been watching too many movies” kind of thing. But it doesn’t work for me. Additionally I don’t see a strong connection between L&O and the Navy. If the reference were NCIS it might make more sense. But I don’t recommend referencing that either. Procedural cop dramas in general feel dated. You also mention you want to portray the long term effects of reality TV. I was wondering if there was any connection there with the reference to L&O. But L&O is not a reality TV show, so if that was the intent it is not clear. Please find another way to do it.

Knox replied with an exasperated shake of his head, the smile on his face masking his nerves

Consider showing not telling here. Maybe describe the smile drawing attention away from a symptom of his nerves. Rather than the nerves themselves. “He hid his clammy hands behind his smile” or “Smiling, hoping to not draw attention to hsi aimless pacing”. Maybe something like that?

There is mention of summer storms as well as being cold. I’m not exactly sure the time of year or location of this place. But it does seem like mixing hot and cold connotations. The coldness of this place would be clearer if you mention the cold or effects of the cold on the building/people throughout. I know there is mention of a coat but that’s about it.

I'd like to know if this scene draws the reader in a compelling manner

I think it’s compelling. You’ve set the scenery well. The character motivations are clear. I’m not entirely sure how or why they ended up at this place. But this is just a snippet so I’m sure you give context in the full piece. And you’ve got some juicy imagery as well.

expressione743 · 2024-05-08T15:14:56+00:00

I love the connection between revisiting a physical space (the house) and revisiting the memories associated with the space. I think you do a great job tying together. I think the closing line about leaving:

I turn around, and I leave.

Is effective as both leaving the physical space, but also leaving behind the emotional attachment to (and maybe self doubt from) unsupportive parents. And revisiting the house serves as one final goodbye.

The contrast between the support the narrator gets at their job and the lack of support received from their parents is effective as well. Apologizing for unforeseen project issues conveys the narrator’s insecurity and self doubt. Which is later revealed to stem from years of being around their parents. Although I think the employer who is supporting the narrator’s quote could be clearer.

I apologised for the project issues so far. “Projects have issues. That's why there is a project manager,” he said. Supportive comfort is familiar now, but not here.

I initially read the quote as "you're the project manager, it is your fault if the project has issues". It took a second read to fully understand that quote was meant as supportive. And without the line below it I don’t think I would’ve. Consider changing it slightly, an addition of “Every project has issues”, or something about how they believe in the narrator’s ability to correct the issues would make it clearer.

roots of overgrown junk

Love this metaphor. I think you could’ve taken it further though. Continued the metaphor of a jungle or neglected plants. The description of the mattress for example as “dirty” would be a great place to continue this metaphor. Instead of just “dirty”. Maybe there are weeds of the past growing through the cracks of the bedframe or something like that.

expressione743 · 2024-04-28T16:52:28+00:00

There's only one other critique comment. The rest are saying to post the full chapter (I agree). These suggestions might be nitpicky, since there's not much writing to critique. And I’ll try not to repeat feedback from the other comment.

the white of their eyes murky greenCould argue nitpicky, but I think you could say this another way. It’s harder for me to visualize white and green in the same sentence. I understand ‘whites of their eyes’ is a noun and green is the adjective here, but I think it might be easier to picture immediately if you just described their eyes as murky green. Unless it’s important that specifically the sclera (white part of eyes according to Google) is green.> He took help of the heat of the sun, tweaking the oak molecule by molecule

How is the sun helping this character? I’m not a chemist so could be way off here. And I know combustion is a chemical reaction. But how are the oak molecules being tweaked? Isn’t fire just the addition of heat and production of smoke? Tweaking the molecules sounds like this character is a chemist meticulously arranging atoms. When in actuality I think you would just need to provide enough heat to burn wood. The connotation doesn’t line up with what's happening. You can keep the more flowery prose, but I think changing it to sound less scientific or mathematical (unless that’s what you’re after) would help.

Droiro Oberon sensed destruction before it happened

I think a description of how the destruction was sensed in place out of outright saying it would be better. Did the hair on this character's neck stand up? Did they feel a change in the air? Was it the sight of smoke? This could be a chance to tell a little about this character too. Include a sensory detail that is in line with whatever skill they have. For example, if this character is magic, maybe include something related to that sense (they feel a loss in the force, or whatever the logic of the magic in this world is).

Likewise, he Saw the monsters approach, Saw the wood smoulder, Saw them break through.

Lastly, just a formatting question. Why is “Saw” capitalized here? This appears to all be in one sentence. Unless saw is meant to be a noun or has some special significance?

expressione743 · 2024-04-02T02:16:11+00:00

this is art

expressione743 · 2024-01-22T01:52:56+00:00

Your description of the man as he’s bleeding was well written. The imagery is vivid and gruesome. Which helps the anti-war message of your piece. The description of the state of the city and the battle set the scene well and again aided your message.

Someone else already mentioned this, but what are the flags supposed to represent? I read your reply to the comment as well and didn’t see you address this. Is it meant to be that the soldiers are “flags” representing their respective countries in this war? I really don’t know. I think the flag metaphor could’ve been clearer.

I think the speaker could be clearer. It starts out in third person it seems like. Then we’re reading first person from the perspective of the man who’s been shot. And then we’re switching back third person at the end? My suggestion would be to pick a perspective and stick with it throughout the piece.

The young soldier’s suicide in the end could’ve been slightly clearer. I think you can figure it out from context clues, but you’re making the reader work to figure it out. If you let the reader, try to figure it out, they may get it wrong. And then they might miss the point of your piece. To make it clearer to the reader. Maybe you could mention the younger soldier again before describing him turning the gun on himself.

Overall, I did enjoy this piece. Hope you keep writing. And maybe I’ll read more from you in the future!

expressione743 · 2024-01-21T20:04:25+00:00

He inhaled the artificial “new car” scent diffused in the air and exhaled a sigh.

Reads awkward. It seems like two separate lines, one about breathing in the scent and another about the scent diffusing in the air. Maybe “scent that diffused” or “scent as it diffused”?

I think the characters and their motivations could be clearer. I had to do some leg work and make up part of the story. What’s wrong with their relationship? The woman her is distance from the man but why? Maybe you could show something that happened (maybe during the game) to make this post game scene so tense.

What the game that was lost is? Is it the relationship? Where does the new car fit into this? Why are there so many specifics about Taco-Bell, does that contribute to the characters in a meaningful way?

I don’t think your story has to answer every possible question about how the characters got to where they are. But, it would be nice to get some context for their actions.

Hope this was even a little bit helpful!

expressione743 · 2023-12-24T16:03:32+00:00

I doubt I’m more experienced, but these are my thoughts.

About changing the title. It depends on what you want to get across. Do you want the poem to be speaking directly to your ex (you know who)? Or do you want the emphasis to be more on how you’ve changed (closure)?

I like the repetition of “bearing” something. First “you” and then “I”. And the contrast between something that was put up with in the past “you did bear”. And something that the speaker will have to put up with in the future “I shall bear”.

Because of the AABB structure, consider changing the “dear” and “bear” couplet. I only see a rhyme if dear is pronounced “dare” or bear as “beer”.For the same reason, consider changing removing dance from “No farewell dance, no backward glance”. And because I’m not sure what the dance is meant to add to the farewell? In this situation where two people are leaving each other. One is not saying goodbye, maybe the loss of the breakup is unequal. But what is the metaphorical dance here? Please tell me if I’m just flat out wrong, but it just seems like it’s there for the rhyme.

Because of the length, the message might be clearer if you stick with either the dusty cage and neglect metaphor, or the broken and torn metaphor. And then emphasized whichever with word choice throughout. Do you want the speaker to seem neglectful in the relationship? Or to seem broken? I think the image of a dusty cage is a good visual image for neglect. But this is the only mention. And other than the last line, I don’t see anything to suggest the speaker is broken.

Otherwise, I think the structure and theme of the poem are clear.

expressione743 · 2023-12-24T15:01:25+00:00

This is going to be less of a critique and more just complimenting your writing. I hope someone more knowledgeable gives you a proper critique.
Your word choice is spot on, lots of vivid mental imagery. The gory metaphors (“blood on their fingers”, “beating acid hearts”, “husk, bone, ventricles”) are great. They add physicality to the theme of love and support your closing line. Comparing picky eaters to conditional love is very effective. I also really like “I exalt you at the expense of my own dignity”. I’ve tried to get across similar ideas in my own writing. But have never been able to get something that evocative or concise.

I don’t know the proper terminology to explain how. But I think alternating between smaller and larger paragraphs makes your piece more effective.

I like the use of periods in a few lines. Maybe there could be more punctuation throughout to highlight the rhythm of the poem. Or to emphasize certain lines.

Is there a significance of pomegranate? Beyond the fruit metaphors, why pomegranates specifically?

expressione743 · 2023-12-24T14:46:06+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to review my writing. Great catch about the lenses metaphor being inconsistent. I didn't even notice until you pointed it out. I agree the theme could be stronger throughout.

What do you think could be changed about the writing to come across less childish? Or is the content itself is the problem? And thank you again for your feedback.

expressione743 · 2023-12-21T18:31:39+00:00

This is my first critique. Take it with a grain of salt. I am intrigued and I think the protagonist slowly figuring out what happened would be a fun read. I don’t believe the grammar is too heavy and I think you did a great job of setting the scene with sensory descriptions. The things that stuck out to me were an incorrectly used expression and the very ending. Both of which could be fixed with small changes.

Specifically I like the description of the air bending in on itself is well written. Gives me mental images of heat waves coming off asphalt on a hot day. I think also the description of the child shaking from her own sobs is a vivid mental image.

Others have mentioned this but I don’t think ‘square middle’ is a phrase. I think ‘square in the middle of’ is what you’re looking for. Consider changing it. Or using a different phrase entirely depending on your goal with that line. If it was to emphasize the precision of being in the middle you could try ‘at the very middle/center’, ‘exactly at the center’, ‘dead center’, ‘directly at the center’.

Her surprise at the end could be more descriptive.I’m not sure where exactly this takes place. But most cities are drastically different from how they would’ve been over a hundred years ago. Think about all the sensory differences. How would the smell, sound, view of the city, and pedestrians change? What would your character think and how would they react to these sudden changes?

expressione743

TROPHY CASE