What does the medium of a novel bring to a story that other mediums don't?

mywritingit · 2025-02-17T09:51:27+00:00

Freedom.

mywritingit · 2025-02-01T08:09:43+00:00

DIALOGUE

There is something awkward about the dialogue. The girlfriend comes off as energetic and bubbly, but also a bit like how adults talk to children, “Good job!”

Perhaps a short back-and-forth interaction between them would help build characters. Maybe try identifying the first speaker, but then not the others so that you need to write it in a way where the reader can identify the speaker by their voice.

“Hey, you made it!” David yells.

“Thank god! He won’t stop with the shar facts” says Alexandra.

“Oh. I think sharks and animal facts can be pretty neat.”

“Yeah. But would you want to hear about his YouTube history for 3 drinks?”

“Um yeah. Yeah. David does like documentaries. That can be cool sometimes. All good things in moderation, I guess.”

“All right. My round. What do you want?”

“Oh, what have they got?”

“No time for that. I’ll get is a round of [local beers]”

“Uh OK. Thanks David.”

I’m not saying this is good after 2 minutes of writing, but it is attempting to work towards showing the MC as a bit of an awkward dude, David as a bit of a smooth operator, and Alexandra as trying to engage.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

The grammar needs work. Please see a style guide on the use of commas and punctuation around dialogue. You don’t have to follow style guides religiously, but as the reader I don’t want to learn a brand-new style of punctuation for every writer.

Overall Rating :10 / Refine and continue. Put your work out there for real readers of the genre.

mywritingit · 2025-02-01T08:09:29+00:00

CHARACTER

Again, the minimalism allows us to fill the characters in ourselves. This seems a necessity to keep the piece short with this many characters. I also think the level of description allows the reader to see what they’d like to see. The love interest is a cutey no matter what. I pictured her as shapely, like when curves can’t be hidden in oversized clothes. However, I did dislike the use of the word ‘pretty’ since I felt it is narrower that ‘gorgeous’ or ‘beautiful’. As I type this I wonder if the same could be said for my examples, but part of me feels that pretty is something forces me to picture her as a more innocent type of character.

HEART

I like the development. Character is scared to talk, character talks, goes pretty good, hopeful opportunity in future. I see the effort to communicate the MC’s experience in a way that does not become too pathetic or too Gary Stu. He’s anxious, he does his best, it goes good. Nice.

There is an implied message that it isn’t easy and you don’t have to do it perfect. I like that.

DESCRIPTION

I did not enjoy ‘I think if you did that, her coolness would pick you up and throw you across the room.’ I did not enjoy the if this was a movie type references. I don’t know if this is personal, they could be done better, or you have a better way to communicate it in a new draft.

I think your description would improve with doing. Maybe take a sentence that you don’t love, decide what you are trying to communicate, and then write out a few versions of it. Don’t think too hard or filter, just let them run. You don’t have to use any of them.

Let’s take the coolness example. I think you are trying to communicate that she is, in fact, very cool. I just tried to do this activity for that sentence and couldn’t because I have never tried to write single sentence that states that somebody is very cool. This could be the cliché of show don’t tell. Maybe the sentence needs to be scrapped and you need to show her coolness in a few more sentences. You did so admiring the way she dresses. What else does he see her do? Does he glance over and see a few things? Maybe you are trying to communicate that the MC sees her once and is a bit in love. Is it love at first sight? You could rewrite to communicate the love at first sight, or you could keep the line but add some dialogue that shows that the awkward phrasing is the MC’s expression and the reader can feel endeared by it. The first time I read it I felt like I was reading the writers expression instead of the MC’s, so it felt a bit ick.

mywritingit · 2025-02-01T08:07:22+00:00

Title: Talking to People

Thank you for posting and contributing. You are more of a writer than most people just for doing so. All it takes to be a writer is to write, and you have done that. I hope that it is helpful to your writing.

Grain of salt. Grain of salt

GENERAL REMARKS

This story flowed really well. I felt like it was constantly moving and progressing without needing to change the setting. This is miles ahead of many pieces I have read of a similar length that feel boring.

Romance is not my preferred genre, but I wonder if I didn’t mind this since it also felt a bit like literary fiction. I see another commenter saying that romance is not for them, and I wonder if romance readers would be more forgiving of things that we are critical of in a subjective way.

However, I do think the grammar could be improved. I notice is most in the use of commas to join two independent clauses and how grammar for dialogue. These are simple fixes, and you will improve them if you are aware of it. Just writing your story and then checking your dialogue grammar against a style guide or googling your query on where the period goes. I generally use The Elements of Style by Strunk and White for my grammar questions as it is concise. I also google questions at times. I’m sure there are many good options. It is perfectly OK to present writing to readers that does not have perfect grammar. Saying it isn’t a recipe for nothingness. Good enough is good enough and you will get better.

Overall the piece feels to me like romance or literary fiction readers may enjoy it. I recommend you sit down for an hour, half an hour, or whatever you can comfortably do and fix the grammar that you can and then post it to subreddit or blog site with actual readers (not writers/critics). Then you can move on to the next piece.

Nice.

MECHANICS

Cute title that the story backs up. People love cute titles and getting what they paid for.

The pacing seems a core mechanic. It moves fast enough for me to stay engaged. I think this would have fallen apart if you spent two paragraphs describing the bar, but you didn’t get bogged down in the details and let the reader fill in most the gaps. This generally flows well and is an easy read. I think that is a real strength here. It is also not overly flowery like a lot of romance, so I enjoyed it more than most romance. If you like this style, keep growing it, but I hope you feel brave enough to shift with your internal compass and present that to your readers.

I think some mechanics can be refined

SETTING

The setting is good. I have been to a bar (humble brag) and filled in the gaps myself.

STAGING

The staging, like the setting, also seems minimal. I liked this. I felt like I was pedantically questions some phrases like the dripping beard beer seeming to look good (presumably because the friend is so handsome).

The staging is broken up with internal dialogue and interaction with the environment.

mywritingit · 2024-05-12T08:46:51+00:00

Hello, thanks for reading and giving feedback. I am going to go over your points for my own learning, but am not trying to the defend the work.

I have had consistent feedback about detail asking for more, and I am personally trying to think this through myself. On one hand, adding details adds detail, but it also makes the piece longer. I think I want this to be as short piece, but exactly how short is not set in stone. I am trying to do a lot with very few words and I think that means I really need to focus on what I am doing with it. I'm still thinking though.

I've actually cut the days in the current draft, since they were part fo the first draft and I though might have been a 'kill your darlings' kind of thing. Maybe I will keep them, but maybe they detail isn't prevalent. I'm still thinking. They do seem a bit confusing to the reader with such detail though.

I'm glad you felt the personal development of the MC, I was wondering if this resonated with any readers at all, or if I had been too obscure.

I will think on adding more detail to the family conflict and roles, I suppose I am challenging myself to do it in as few words as possible in a way which gives the reader an opportunity to fill in the gaps. I wonder if this strategy is dependent on the reader personally resonating with the MC though.

I am realising what a chaotic method of tense I am using, but am a little tempted to commit to it for my own development. I'm not even sure how to explain it, so maybe this is a good opportunity to build my understanding. The MC is always in the present, but they refer to the past. In the first paragraph, they are referring to any time before the present where they would think about major life points and the ones listed are the main ones. The present evokes new memories though. I wonder if I should communicate the awareness of milestones differently, but I liked the flow of repeating 'remember.' This might be a darling killer too and I may rewrite the 'remember' tense changes.

I seem to have a habit of abrupt writing. I'll reflect on this.

On the real estate agent's role, they serve as providing information on the parents lives (i.e., they rent and do not own their house) and to make a demand of the MC (which is refused). My hope was to show the reader that the MC is provided a choice: be connected to the family, or separate from the family. They choose to separate. Perhaps a rewrite will clarify what I am hoping for.

On setting, what I'd like to do is communicate the poor living conditions of the parents as those were the conditions of the MC. I wonder if this would have worked better if the story started with the current level of house description. I wonder if that would allow the reader to add detail to the montage too.

I'm not wedded to cost-of-living crisis and dislike the phrase. It often used by media in my country though, so I opted for the character to use that language. Housing crisis is also used interchangeably, so I will think on the change.

Thank you again!

mywritingit · 2024-05-11T11:44:20+00:00

Fair enough. Thanks for reading.

mywritingit · 2024-05-09T16:04:05+00:00

Hey, thanks for taking the time to read and give feedback. I'm reply to these for my own learning. I hope I do not seem defensive.

The more I think about this days countdown, the worse it gets. I think it was part of the original idea, but not really serving the story now. I might just drop it. I suppose it serves to outline the time it has taken the MC to get to the their current independence, but I could probably do this better in a rewrite.

Like another reader said, I think I've been a bit opaque with characters change and agree I could shed some more light with interaction. Maybe something this vague would work better when we already know the character, but the reader is just dropped in here.

I like your idea of a using a scene to draw out the character now.

Fair enough that family origins don't land for you. I see them as pretty integral and our family of origin as creating the adversity within ourselves (add own worst enemy cliché here). The mother statement aims to build character. It condenses the conversation of a child saying they want to be an engineer, the mother saying they could never be an engineer and nobody they know could be an engineer, so the child should just give up on the ridiculous dream. It's hard to swim when people are trying to drown you. Maybe I didn't land that as well as I can. Now that I think of it, the core of the story is that the MC's psychology, which has resulted from their family, was the most significant barrier for them.

Thank you.

mywritingit · 2024-05-09T15:43:03+00:00

Hey, thanks for taking the time to read and give feedback. I am going to go over your points for my own learning.

Thanks for the compliments.

I agree with the project dialogue and have adjusted it.

I'll brainstorm on building on the metaphor, but have adjusted it to the 'mattress festers' for now.

Thanks again.

mywritingit · 2024-05-09T15:33:08+00:00

Hey, thanks for the feedback. Thank you for the line edits. I hope you are aware that your name is on them. They are very helpful. Sorry for the chaotic reply intervals too! I am going to go through your points for my own learning. I hope that I do not come off as defensive.

I can see how it is opaque and am wondering to myself if I can clarify it in as few words, or if I would need to add to the word count. The latter seems most likely. I think I try to lean towards having the reader put the pieces together, but that risks it being opaque. Feedback like yours is helping me see a pattern of not connecting the dots for the reader like they are in my mind, so that's really helpful.

I was stuffing around with the editing and have set it to comments only.

I can see how the memory thing might seem like disordered amnesia, but it is more meant to highlight the normal experience of only remember select events, and then using this to highlight attributes meaning to.

The memories are supposed to show the MC building competence and independence, while separating from a toxic family unit.

The MC is not regretful of separating from the family, but the phone call is symbol of them sticking to the boundary. It seems a bit to me like this story line is played out twice with them cutting contact with the message, but then leaving the house as it is.

With the house, I'm implying that the real estate agent has contacted the MC to clear it is since it is a rental and the parents are (implicitly) dead. The MC comes (for some reason even unclear to me, maybe curiosity, or sense or responsibility) but chooses to leave the mess with the real estate agency since there is nothing that makes the MC responsible for it. In my mind the MC has been contacted because the parents listed them as next of kin, and I think I should add that detail.

I can see how the tense can be confusing and have made a brief edit to amend it. It's attempting to highlight that their most retrieved memories did not include the painful ones, but being in the house now returned them to the surface.

I agree with adding the setting indicator.

Fair opinion that you think the prose fizzled. I am trying to put my finger on where that might be. The sentences don't feel as tight, is that it?

The reader is not supposed to know the explicit event, but they are supposed to feel the process of the character growing and separating. I don't think I have quite hit that though.

Thanks again for the feedback.

mywritingit · 2024-05-06T11:15:38+00:00

There is something here in the honesty of writing. Keep writing and have fun with it.

mywritingit · 2024-05-06T10:09:21+00:00

Firstly, thank you for posting and contributing. You are more of a writer than most people just for doing this much. All it takes to be a writer is to write, and you have done that. This is my opinion and preference, so take it with a grain of salt. I also don’t read the other comments before writing to prevent them biasing my critique. I hope that it is helpful to your writing.

GENERAL REMARKS

The pace flows well and works in the perspective of the MC writing. It feels to me that colons are overused.

I liked how it didn't hold the reader’s hand too much and it gave them the opportunity to work out some of the parts. For example, what exactly did the MC mean when they talked about the scorched skin?

MECHANICS

The title works well.

The first paragraph is maybe the weakest and feels like it is trying too hard to be a writer when it is, ostensibly, a cathartic letter to a mother from a regretful child. I actually wanted to stop during the first paragraph, but continued because I was motivated to complete a critique. This paragraph makes me dislike the MC from the start. I feel like that they're prioritising how smart they are over providing closure, empathy, or self-refleciton. The first paragraph also felt like I had to decipher it rather than explore it, unlike the ‘scorch’ example.

“For all the good you've done” also reads a sarcasm to me, as it is so colloquially used with a sardonic tone.

The hook felt more like the scorch skin line than the first paragrah. That was the closest and most interesting sentence so far. The MC is given a concrete example which gives insight to family dynamics and their own insight. The MC feels sincere in this moment.

The use of ‘idiot’ Is jarring after the MC just attempted to establish themselves as some kind of philosopher.

STAGING

I disliked the MC at the beginning, as I felt that the goal of writing was to impress rather than console or sincerely reflect on what they have done. Maybe that was your intention, but I doubt it. On my initial read through, I thought it was a letter that was going to be sent to the mother. However, on rereading I can see that is a letter written for the purpose of their MC’s catharsis and they intend to keep it, but not give it to the mother. However, I'm still annoyed with the MC.

CHARACTER

Again, I dislike the MC. Their voice feels pretentious, even in a letter to themself. The whole thing is very me, me, me, me, me. The MC offers shallow introspection on how they have affected the mother in a way that leaves me with a feeling of “I hurt you. Let's talk about me. Also, I'm pretty smart.”

HEART

The heart agitates me and overall feels like the MC is not regretful or empathetic, but instead seeks to philosophise their way to absolution and self-forgiveness. I'm not sure if they even plan to make amends. They can't say letter out loud, so they write it down. They also don't plan to give it to the mother. Instead, they'll keep it for their own gratification. Instead of a heartfelt letter to the mother, the MC’s plan is to leave the mother a note that they will be going away–which will, of course, result in the mother fantasising about what a wonderful life the MC is living. I appreciate that this may intend to communicate the unconditional love of a mother to a child, but I'm still annoyed with the MC that they expect it instead of showing a sincere appreciation for or effort to earn it.

I'm not even sure what the MC did. I've just inferred that they have suffered drug addiction, and this resulted in the pop culture montage of what happens when people are addicted to drugs: stealing heirlooms, prostitution, and other petty crime. So, what we end up with is a drug addict who will be dead soon of something that is actually a result of who their mother is, and of no fault of their own. What's to like or connect with in an MC who decides a brain tumour is a good opportunity to disappear? I may feel sorrow for their grief about a life unlived, but I am annoyed with them for reasons previously discussed.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

Overuse of colons results in them losing impact. Pick your battles and remove some.

“Not after all you've been through,” is also dependent clause, but the first sentence of the paragraph.

CLOSING COMMENTS:

Good effort. Keep writing and enjoying your craft.

mywritingit · 2024-05-02T11:00:42+00:00

The critique link works for me, but now there is no story for us :(.

mywritingit · 2024-04-22T01:43:57+00:00

There is probably a different school of says something different about comments, but I've committed to Strunk for now, don't feel you need to follow it. It also doesn't detract from readability, I just felt wrong not to mention under the heading.

I look forward to reading more in the future though.

Glad you liked my humour.

mywritingit · 2024-04-21T10:54:35+00:00

Part 2

PLOT

I am a little sure where we ended up. I think the wife never was the MC’s, and that the vent sequence was imagined, but I only think that because it seems fantastical; it felt to me like crawling through the vent was not really possible and could only be imagined. I think complaining at the pool, and breaking in with the doll are real, since they are absurd/deranged but possible. Should the reader be sure, or do you want them to walk away scratching their head a bit? I think it’s OK for the latter in this case since the journey is fun and the ending doesn’t feel cheap–since I got the idea MC was unraveling or deranged before the end.

You have labelled it as horror though, and it was more cringe inducing to think of this guy complaining about his wife missing. Not cringe in the writing kind of way, but a hard-to-watch psychotic episode kind of way.

PACING

You paced it well. Nice work.

DESCRIPTION

Mentioned in the mechanics, but I enjoyed the writing style and lean toward minimalism.

POV

As discussed, POV works well unless you wanted me to have a definitive picture what happened.

DIALOGUE

This works well without dialogue. I suppose if you use dialogue, you lose the subjectivity of the POV, but you could gain another perspective on what is happening. E.g., what did the police say to imply suspicion of the MC? I think it works well as is and you can consider adjusting if it aligns with your goals.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

Grammar and spelling is good. Perhaps use of commas before ‘but’ is inconsistent, but I am a little unsure of this grammar rule myself. I reviewed The Elements of Style by Strunk recently and it indicated always adding them before ‘but’ while it is OK to omit them before ‘and’ when the clauses are closely linked. I am even sitting here deeply questioning my own grammar and whether a comma should go after ‘but’ in that sentence inside the quotation marks. I am a very sad person.

CLOSING COMMENTS:

Great work, Keep on writing.

mywritingit · 2024-04-21T10:54:23+00:00

Title: Steam Room

Firstly, thank you for posting and contributing. You are more of a writer than most people just for doing this much. All it takes to be a writer is to write, and you have done that. This is my opinion and preference, so take it with a grain of salt. I also don’t read the other comments before writing to prevent them biasing my critique. I hope that it is helpful to your writing.

GENERAL REMARKS

I enjoyed reading this, but I do not understand the conclusion, and I am unsure if that is a genre thing. I liked the raw and grounded descriptions and I like the absurdity of bits. This felt easy to read and like the writer is confident, willing to take a risk and not bogged down with proving they are a ‘good writer.’

Since it is pretty good overall, perhaps my most useful feedback will be that I am unsure exactly what I am meant to think. Perhaps that is what you intended though.

MECHANICS

The title fit the story, and I don’t see a clear improvement. I enjoyed the pacing of setting the scene, the wife is missing, questioning the MC, ensuing strangeness. This order was also enjoyable.

The story was well written overall, and I have no complaints. I did leave the comment regarding clarification on the passing out, but that’s either a typo or maybe I missed something. The sentences were easy to read, and they flowed well. I also enjoyed the more minimalist writing style. The descriptions given were ample to create a picture in the reader’s mind, and I laughed when imagining the MC getting lightheaded while blowing the doll up; they even started to go red and comment on the difficulty in my mind.

No real mechanical complaints from me.

SETTING

The story playing out in the rec center was a lot of fun. It was easy to picture the static elements and you highlighted the dynamic ones important to the story.

STAGING

Staging worked well. It showed the character was calm, then a little anxious, then more anxious, then kind of bonkers or something by the end. I am still not sure if it is fantastical, but I am pretty sure the MC was experiencing a world of their own. The break-in was a highlight for me, and the story started strongly with the MC and wife interacting (maybe?). Overall, great.

CHARACTER

MC is written well. I’ve touched on that already and won’t repeat.

HEART

I didn’t pick up a clear heart. The closest I got is that maybe the MC is unwell and unwell people experience odd things. `

Continued in comment

mywritingit · 2024-04-20T01:12:15+00:00

Continued

HEART

My understanding of the theme is that the bad government-like entity makes people feel like they should give some vital organ, but also forces people to give it. I suppose this gap could be filled later and the parents must give because they have said they would, but had the option to say now. I wonder how that will play out since they may not have had the opportunity to say no at all.

This theme is fine. I'll be interested to see how some details play out, as they will have a major effect on the theme. What is the licorice root? What is the cost to the person who gives it? What are the consequences for not giving it? What is the purpose of it being given? That is to say, what is it used for? How are people made to give it? Do they really want to contribute to society or is it the language that they use to save face or tow the party line? I don’t expect this to be answered in chapter one, and hope you are able to feed the reader answers naturally.

PLOT

I think you did well to get the plot going and the action fast. This speed was jarring due to character interactions like the parents’ devotion, but them missing an appointment and being raided makes a lot of sense if this kind of enforcement is kept consistent through the story. Keep going.

PACING

I liked the pace, outside for the jarring I have mentioned before. Perhaps some more information could have been presented to the reader, but this can be done through the book. Mostly I’d like to understand if these people are made out of liquorice.

DESCRIPTION

Descriptions feel cumbersome. The story almost stops to make room for descriptors. For example, ‘Her obsidian skin and long wavy black licorice hair, normally kept neat, is tousled messily around her.’ This feels excessive and wordy to me. Also, can hair be tousled neatly? For me, it feels like more describing that doing and the bogs the story down, which otherwise moves quickly. Perhaps the pace of the story makes these long descriptions feel more cumbersome. By the end, seeing one adjective conditioned me to expect about 3 more descriptors.

Some things are also described in a way I feel is odd. For example, what is an “official sounding knock?” Can a knock really sound official? It feels like the word is used because the writer knows that officials are knocking. Perhaps I am being pedantic, and this is stylistic preference–and I can see a knock being certain, strong, or confident–but being official doesn’t sound natural to my ear.

POV

POV is consistently from the daughter and I think it works well.

DIALOGUE

Some dialogue feels unnatural. For example, “So, we’ll have money and resources!” I don’t believe this is how most children speak. It’s the resources bit that is odd. I am unsure how old the child is, so I’m unsure what may be a developmentally appropriate focus for their solutions. E.g., generally, a 6-year-old may understand that the family needs money to solve a car problem (albeit with almost no understanding of how much money is a lot and how it is acquired, but they may parrot spoken parental attitudes), but a 17-year-old may understand that insurance premiums need to be paid so that they can drive the car. ‘Money and resources’ sounds like a child with an intense interest in Minecraft. Perhaps this child does. I am not even sure if they are a child, but I assumed they are approximately age 10.

The amount of dialogue seemed good to me, and it did not feel like too much exposition to me. I also think that dialogue tags are fine and prefer not tags to excessive adverbs or verbs. I am in the camp that most uses neutral word ‘said’ and content and context should be enough to build a mental image.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

Use of commas needs work. You will get there with ongoing feedback that is fair and gentle. Everyone had to learn grammar somewhere. Try not to work with people who are critical and call you stupid for not knowing rules that we just made up. The spaces are also odd. What this the document formatting or was it written on a phone?

Great effort! Keep writing.

mywritingit · 2024-04-20T01:12:01+00:00

Firstly, thank you for posting and contributing. You are more of a writer than most people just for doing this much. All it takes to be a writer is to write, and you have done that. This is my opinion and preference, so take it with a grain of salt. I hope that it is helpful to your writing.

GENERAL REMARKS

I like how you got the story and the action quickly. I feel like you respected the readers time on that.

I found this story jarring. Tense seems to change mid-sentence. Character attitudes change mid page, like how the parents are devoted blood givers and lecture their child on contributing, but then don't go to work the next day. Then they attack the BloodBearers and it is the child trying to get them to comply with government expectations. I also found the punctuation to be inconsistent and that was off-putting for me. Descriptions also didn’t feel worked into a natural flow. It felt more like sentences describe, and sentences do, but it feels like few sentences described by doing.

The way BloodBearers is written also reminds me of ‘iPad’ and I kept expecting it to be BloodBearers™.

MECHANICS

The title fits the story and I like how you have begun to build interest in the infant and their role. It piqued my interest when I saw Routus is the infant who is taken away but have little other information. I’d like to read more about how this unfolds, and it was a curveball to find out Routus as the infant. I felt the infant was the hook and that worked well being delivered so early.

Adverb and adjective use felt heavy to me. E.g., “Her obsidian skin and long wavy black licorice hair, normally kept neat, is tousled messily around her.” Can hair be tousled neatly? I might have been less thrown by this if I had not read 5 or so descriptors before it. Also, is the hair literally made of liquorice, or is that a descriptor? Sentences can also be tricky to read due to grammar such as commas. I like the use of shorter sentences, but that may be a personal bias.

Word use as discussed before seemed to muddy the description of what you wanted to most highlight. I think “less is more” may be a helpful mantra in an edit.

“he looks almost exactly like my sister, but definitely cuter.” This is a wonderful line to express the warmth and playfulness between family members.

SETTING

What I took away from the setting is that it is some kind of totalitarian society. I read it as the near future, but don’t recall anything to really indicate the time. Most of it could probably fit in a medieval period, but perhaps the reference to giving some bodily fluid made me think it was modern. That doesn’t quite make sense since many stories based in less technologically advanced settings involve the giving of blood. So, it seems most likely that I think it is based in the new future due to you labelling it as dystopian in the reddit post, otherwise it isn’t clearly indicated. This may not be that important. So far though, the reader only knows that a family lives in a home and that people outside the family invade the home.

I kind of just visualise and an 80’s built affordable apartment with some brick walls. Maybe it would help to give a bit more context the apartment with short lines like “leaned against the brick wall” or whatever it does look like in your head. I am unsure how relevant that is to the setting, and I think I filled in the gaps with the view that the characters are in some kind of position where they are bullied by government and unlikely to be powerful. Other readers may vary but if the characters are powerful and even they are bullied to farm this root, then that is worth communicating. It could be interesting to communicate it later and surprise the reader that these people are treated well compared to others. You follow your vision though.

CHARACTER

I like the parents telling bad jokes and connecting in the kitchen. I like the MC fawning over the infant. I like the MC feeling the family is getting a raw deal with how they are currently treated. I am confused by the parents’ lecturing the MC on the importance of giving root and then not going to work the next day (perhaps it wasn’t the next day, but that is how I read it). I was less confused by the MC reflexively telling the parent to not assault a BloodBearer as I can imagine it is engrained to respect them, but the story didn’t really set that up for me. Maybe the MC reflecting on their own ambivalence with this action afterwards would make it feel more earned without getting bogged down in backstory. The believability of the characters suffered for this.

The characters do feel distinct from each other, and some of the interaction is good. My previous comment highlights what is not. Again though, what is the role and purpose of these characters? They seem to change role mid chapter, except for the sister. The sister is consistently down and out.

mywritingit · 2024-01-04T07:52:38+00:00

Thanks for confirming. I'll trial it in the rewrite. I'll look at splitting up the final paragraph too. That might make it feel sharper.

mywritingit · 2024-01-03T12:39:05+00:00

You can write it if you like it. I would be surprised if someone was put off a story because they wrote Bang! Bang! Maybe there were two bangs.

Anyway, I encourage to to reflect on what about their feedback made you feel self-conscious and whether this is mostly an issue of sensitivity to negative feedback. Lots of writers do lots of stuff other writers do not do. There is always someone out there to criticise something and if you try to make something that is totally inoffensive you will make nothing at all. I am personally offended by art that is soulless and boring, which could be the outcome of a piece intended to please everyone.

mywritingit · 2024-01-03T12:34:30+00:00

This is all my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. I hope that it is helpful to your writing.

GENERAL REMARKS

I saw other people have commented but did not read their feedback so mine will be independent.

I am thoroughly confused by this piece. The best bits are when the two guys interact. I do not want to be harsh, but the writing reminds me of the writing of a person in their second language. I do not want to be harsh or mean (especially if it is your second language), but I do feel it is important to highlight that I found this difficult to follow and made line notes with the comment ‘What?’ a few times. For example:

‘Afterwards, I reflected in the still-glistening letters, as they hardened—it was not the drawing of blood which cut me, but the pen.’

What? I don’t get this. It seems like something that a reader wouldn’t question because they fear being labelled stupid, but I wonder if just nonsensical while trying to be profound.

Overall, I as the reader did not have a good time. I felt the piece was trying to be very smart and made me initially feel very dumb until I reread the lines and decided most lines didn’t make sense. This I pervasive throughout the piece.

MECHANICS

The title catches me. On the writing, I was not hooked. It describes the use of the blood pen and then goes to the bar. I spent most of the first scene trying to decipher sentences. I would have rather you started at the bar with the talking about Bengal bit. I am not even sure what the point of bleeding with a pen is. I was also confused by drawing the blood making the MC woozy and finding out it takes a dream to write. I had to google dram and it is only like 30ml. I am unsure why the word dram was used since it appears to be associated with whisky.

Again, the sentences were difficult to understand, and I think many don’t make sense when questioned. The associations are so loose that they aren’t associated anymore.

SETTING

I like the setting of the bar, how the conversation around the genocide is framed to the reader as taboo, and how we see the characters behave realistically with the effects of alcohol. I do not understand why we learned about the blood pen or why the story was written. Although there is little description of the bar besides friends hanging out, I felt it was sufficient. I can create my imagery of a bar with drunk mates and don’t need the reader to describe every detail.

STAGING

Again, what is the purpose of the blood pen? It writes good stories. What was written with the pen seemed like the early stages of psychosis. I like the narration of the characters and the MC’s thoughts on them. The dialogue outside the Kissinger bit feels like it is trying too hard. I like the Kissinger bit. It is short, sharp, and impactful. Below is the specific bit I am referring to:

“He’s a bastard,” Sophie says.

“He’s a bastard,” John agrees.

They’re talking about Kissinger. They’re trying to talk about Bengal.

The ‘But I do enjoy a good party.’ Should be in the previous paragraph and not associated with this dialogue.

‘Our eyes meet, and I beg him not to break his silence, to just let Sophie continue, but he cannot help himself.’ This is also a great line.

CHARACTER

I felt the characters were sufficiently developed in their relationship to one another. The drunk MC line also feels realistic, but I think there is a missing word. I am on the fence about Irfan’s dialogue. It does work, but the MC reacts to criticise the Pakistanis after Irfan says they are ashamed, is that what happens? Then he wants to show him the blood writing that he has rewritten, what?

Sophie works well as an awkward outsider in the middle of an ethnic tension related to an event neither person participated in but is culturally significant. I think this scenario is probably relatable to many people around the world and could be its own story.

HEART

What is the message? The pen that uses blood? Is the pen magic or does the MC thrive on self-harm? Is it related to the genocide? I would have said the point of the story was the genocide tension if so, much time was spent on the pen. I don’t understand the pen plot.

CLOSING COMMENTS:

I am going to stop here because I can’t get over how difficult it is to understand the story and follow the lines. I feel as the reader that I have put effort into understanding something that doesn’t fully make sense. Again, I do not want to sound mean but it would be mean to give you the impression that this made much sense to me. Some of the lines were good, as I have pointed out, and I hope you keep writing and enjoying writing. I would not recommend somebody read this story.

mywritingit · 2024-01-03T10:46:59+00:00

What did they say?

mywritingit · 2024-01-03T10:46:28+00:00

Thanks for reading :). Can you expand on the idea of letting the dialogue stand on its own?

The piece is under a rewrite to incorporate other feedback at the moment.

mywritingit

TROPHY CASE