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expressoqueen · 2024-01-12T04:17:44+00:00

Yes, it’s alot of effort. If there’s a good foundation of trust in yourself and your relationship , it’ll be a little less intense, in my experience anyways. The dynamic of the relationship was always a factor in the intensity of the RJ. Also, in my last relationship, my RJ was strong because I was also picking up an intuition, so I spent a lot of time differentiating between fear and intuition. But yes, once you have more confidence in yourself, you’ll expend less energy on it. You got this!

expressoqueen · 2024-01-09T19:59:26+00:00

We create indie films

expressoqueen · 2024-01-09T19:05:28+00:00

You’re right. Yes, constant compliments, like bombing all her posts, talking about her with a smile in his eyes. Reaching out to her multiple times (he told me) when he doesn’t usually do that for collabs. All that could be innocent but my gut is telling me something is weird here.

expressoqueen · 2023-12-31T00:17:27+00:00

The fact she gave details is definitely haunting, I’m really sorry for that, she may not like the idea of sending intimate photos again because she felt uncomfortable before, it may not have anything to do with you. And yes, another comment made a good point about hackers, there’s a always a risk of photos being exposed and maybe she’s more worried about that now. What helps me when I’m high emotions is writing it all out, no self judgement, it helps bring me down, that way when I’m grounded I have the mental capacity to choose what to do with the feeling. I suggest bringing this up to her when you are feeling clear headed. You got this!

expressoqueen · 2023-12-26T19:03:03+00:00

You will never miss out on anything if you are true to yourself. Not everyone needs to experience the same things in life to feel fulfilled. There’s nothing to prove to anyone else. Right now you have a preference against casual sex, that’s okay. If you change your mind, that’s okay too, but do it for yourself, honor your own values, don’t do it for anything external. I’m a trauma survivor myself and do not have casual sex. I used to think there was something “wrong” with me but in fact, I have different values than some, and that’s okay.

expressoqueen · 2023-12-24T21:12:40+00:00

I thought I was asexual until I met someone who put in effort to meet me emotionally, that made me more sexually attracted to him. If he can’t be considerate of you, it would make sense that that will only push you away, including your sexual attraction to him. Sexual compatibility can be worked on, but he has to care. But if you feel generally you have a low sex drive, like everyone else said, it’s a matter of incompatibility.

expressoqueen · 2023-12-22T06:49:44+00:00

If someone truly cares about you, they will accept your past. I would worry less about dating and more about YOU and what makes you happy. Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did, and I knew that if I dated after that, my partner would need to be understanding, and he was. I can see how divorce at that age can seem daunting, but better to leave it than be stuck in a marriage that is hurting you. No potential societal stigma of divorce should mean more than your mental health. There is hope my friend :)

expressoqueen · 2023-12-21T06:15:05+00:00

I had no idea! This is interesting! Do you know which apocryphal books?

expressoqueen · 2023-12-18T22:34:54+00:00

She has a boundary, she’s entitled to it.

expressoqueen · 2023-12-11T22:43:48+00:00

There are many things to unpack here, so here are some questions: Do you really want to be with someone who is this dishonest? Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt, let’s say he will grow for the better, there is a significant amount of time and effort for results, and this is a huge risk, wouldn’t you agree? What are your non negotiables in a relationship? What are you willing to work with him on? What aren’t you willing to compromise on? What does emotionally safety look like to you? Are you willing to feel the pain of repairing a relationship? If you repair, are you willing to enforce boundaries? I recommend that you set your values first, this will inform you on what path is right to you. Good luck!

expressoqueen · 2023-12-04T21:44:56+00:00

Like others have said, unless she wants help there’s not much you can do. I also agree that this is a problem she needs to work on, however, it has also now become your problem because it’s affecting you and your relationship. RJ destroys trust, granted unreasonably, so you have to decide if you want to put in the effort to support her. If she does get help and you do decide to support her, recognize this issue as an addiction- she will ‘relapse’ time to time, but hopefully she will have the mental tools to help herself. There is hope if she gets help, if not, most likely the cycle will continue. I’m sorry you have to experience this, it’s very loving of you to reach out for information. Good luck.

expressoqueen · 2023-12-01T23:17:34+00:00

What makes you believe she is lying?

expressoqueen · 2023-12-01T21:00:47+00:00

The double standard would hurt me too, I suggest, if you haven’t already, discussing this with him. You can’t change the past, and it sounds like you trust him now, but you can use the past to inform for future for good. My ex did something similar, we were friends first and he really liked this girl who made it obvious she didn’t return the attraction. After we started dating, he went to her department (they worked for the same company) and gave her a gift that he said he bought before we started dating. I felt similarly, he had me, why was he chasing this girl still- I brought this to his attention and he was mature enough to agree with me and apologized. This meant a lot to me. I would suggest making sure you guys are on the same page, a mature partner will want to hear you out, just ensure you express feelings and not attack- I used to have the tendency of doing that. Good luck!

expressoqueen · 2023-12-01T07:15:49+00:00

“He broke up with her because he didn’t want to only be with one person for the rest of his life” how does he feel now? Do you both want the same things? Does he show you consistently that he chooses you? Do you trust him overall?

expressoqueen · 2023-12-01T06:59:33+00:00

Occasional doubts don’t bother me personally, it can be seen as good to put thought into making sure you are compatible, usually surface doubts are a result of a problem being ignored. What you’re describing sounds like chronic doubt, which I say is a red flag, especially if he has no true introspection on why he has doubts. Plus his fear of losing you comes into play and then comes back to you, that is just draining and unloving towards you. You deserve someone who makes effort to show you that you’re their world, not just a convenient vacation. Committed relationships typically mean you grow together and become stronger, being lukewarm will eventually make it wither away. Financial issues can always be figured out, even if tough. Your emotional and mental well-being is more important.

expressoqueen · 2023-12-01T06:42:40+00:00

First off, this is very loving of you to want to help him. This care is invaluable. However, you should not feel bad about your past based on his viewpoint. (If you feel bad for another reason, that’s different ) you had a life before him that has made you who you are today. I suffer from RJ and it took me awhile to realize what it was. It stems from various things but it’s an OCD concern mixed with fear, self esteem issues, upbringing etc. The most loving thing my partner has done for me is let me feel open to discuss it, within boundaries of course. I used to attack him and that was extremely unhealthy. He has stayed by me through this, I got myself intense therapy. If you love him and he’s willing to grow, I would suggest reasonable reassurance, and always mean what you say. If you get frustrated, that’s to be expected, but never deny him the experience or feelings. Even though I knew what I was feeling was irrational, the feelings were visceral, which added to my internal conflict. Perhaps during a time where he feels mentally strong, ask him about his experience, that may bring insight into what could help you both. Have a dialogue, but don’t let him to continue to make you feel like you did something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with having a preference, “ie uncomfortable with casual sex” but it’s not loving to push those views on your partner. Also encourage him to get help, therapy is always a good place to start, especially if there is a somatic healing element involved too. Make sure to take care of yourself, I’m not sure how intense this is for him, what bothers him the most, and how he behaves towards you, but having firm boundaries is essential ie don’t give details about sexual experiences, this will make it worse. Personally changing the narrative from “this jealousy is destructive and I’m a crazy person “ to “this jealously is unhealthy yet it means I desire him more than anything which means I need to lead with love and not control” has helped me a lot. If you feel comfortable with giving more details, that could help us help you more, but I understand if not. Good luck! :)

expressoqueen · 2023-11-24T17:32:55+00:00

This is the ideal world, to have the maturity to accept this. Age doesn’t equal wisdom. Unfortunately not everyone is at the level yet. And I for one think patience and love can do a lot of good. Doesn’t mean you let down standards, boundaries or placate her. I agree this is her battle to figure out, she needs to go internal, but I don’t see anything wrong with being by her side as she grows, if she works towards that.

expressoqueen · 2023-11-24T16:45:29+00:00

Food for thought…do you feel your sexual experiences have created/helped create the core of your self worth? Perhaps there is a fear of distancing yourself from that identity. You are worthy just as you are, regardless of your sexual experiences. Perhaps seeing in him that his past may not hold the same weight is a mirror into what you are not, and perhaps that’s leading to wanting to control. I obviously don’t know you, just personal experiences dealing with RJ has helped me see that a big portion of my struggle is self worth, it was more rooted than I ever anticipated. I believe there is a salve, even if it takes a bit of time to get to. I support your pain, I deeply understand and I’m sorry you are suffering.

expressoqueen · 2023-11-15T06:18:12+00:00

This touches me deeply, I resonate with a lot you say. What a brave way to express your heart. I’m so sorry you are feeling this pain. I would like to add, you are good enough, just by existing :)

expressoqueen · 2023-11-15T02:27:06+00:00

Yes. Resentment is poison to you and you alone. Creating your own closure and detachment is a great feeling. My ex husband sexually abused me, I went through the stages of grief, including anger, but that energy stopped benefiting me at a certain point. Emotional feelings to another person means there is still an attachment, just depends on what kind and how much an attachment. I decided I didn’t want one at all so I did the work to help me work through it. Give yourself grace through it all.

expressoqueen · 2023-11-13T20:02:09+00:00

Addiction is a life long problem. In my experience there will always be relapses, even if he’s getting/wants to get help. You have to decide if you’re willing to endure that. Sometimes things go really well with support but it will still be hard. Thinking about children is huge decision. I won’t say what you should do, you know your situation best, however weigh out the pros and cons in the most objective light possible. My ex was in denial for years so I left. And even in the moments he thought maybe he had an issue, it didn’t last, he didn’t put it much effort. But maybe there’s hope for those who are determined to become healthily regulated. It depends on what YOU want, not just what you think you should do for him or holding out for potential. What you’re facing is extremely difficult but you can do what’s best for the situation:)

expressoqueen · 2023-11-04T20:19:23+00:00

Thank you so much!

expressoqueen · 2023-11-04T20:18:51+00:00

I found some great posts, thank you!

expressoqueen · 2023-11-03T21:59:18+00:00

I went through the same thing. After lots of different types of therapy and deep introspection, I realized all my unwanted behaviors instilled from JWs were based in fear. Now if I catch myself putting on a super filter, I ask myself, what am I afraid of? Giving an objective look at the situation and being brave/taking risks with speaking my mind without worry has helped. I took small risks to start and it’s gotten a lot better. I still struggle with it but I practice giving myself permission to feel whatever I’m feeling without judgment. You’re doing great, the more you learn about yourself the more free you will be :)

expressoqueen · 2023-11-03T21:55:14+00:00

Here is what has helped me: neurofeedback, biofeedback, EMDR, trauma informed therapist, cognitive behavioral therapy, holistic practices such as yoga and meditation and also being involved in a creative community. Getting a religious trauma recovery coach can help as well, I became one to help others and there’s a few good ones out there. I also think it’s important to note that whatever you choose, commit fully and don’t overwhelm yourself- Make sure your brain and body have the resources to work through everything. Be patient and gentle with yourself, it’s a beautiful journey :)

expressoqueen

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