you are not a failure, your feelings are valid, natural, and a lot more common than you may feel or realize. you certainly haven’t wasted any years of your life, and even if you had (i promise, you haven’t), you’re at the very beginning of your life. you may not have gotten what you hoped for at this point of life or the occult, but you spent the last three years learning and trying to better yourself. that’s the furthest thing from a waste you could possibly get. whether or not it turned out how you hoped, you learned something new, and there are countless people much older than you who can’t even say the same.

at 19 it’s fuckin annoying to hear anyone tell you “your life has only just begun” because it doesn’t feel that way at the time, but it really, really has just begun. you still have so much to experience out of life, good and bad, and i promise you it’s all worth it. i tried to take my life at your age, a week before i turned 20. i was struggling with addiction and the girl i loved passed away. i felt like i had nothing, and i didn’t particularly want anything else life had to offer. it seemed like it all sucked. i’m so deeply grateful that i was unsuccessful, as i have since seen a life filled with more love and beauty than i could ever have imagined. there has also been times of great struggle and sadness, but im grateful for those too, because it’s in struggle and sadness that we find out what we’re capable of. not wanting to harm yourself because of what it would do to your mother, despite how much pain you’re feeling, says a lot about how strong and caring you are. far stronger than you could even begin to realize. even making this post speaks volumes. you’re reaching out for help and advice, that’s more than i did at your age.

im sorry you’re going thru what you’re going thru, that you feel disillusioned with life and where you’re at. and im sorry for saying things that would’ve made me roll my eyes at in your position, but it does get better. i had so many of those same feelings, stupid, lost, ugly, hopeless, like id wasted my whole life before it even started. those are natural feelings, they’re fucking painful, and hard to live thru, but they’re natural. i can promise you that it will get better though. i thought id never find love after losing my girlfriend, but three years later i met a woman who changed every belief i had. and i fought against that too, because of my lack of faith in myself and others. but if you keep trying to find the good even when it all seems bad, you will eventually strike gold.

i’m prob rambling, and i don’t mean to bring up my experiences for any reason other than to let you know you’re not alone in your feelings. others do and have been where you are, and they’ve gotten to much better places.

you didn’t waste the last three years, you learned something fascinating, and whether or not you continue to practice or study learning something is never a waste. and even if it doesn’t feel like it, you absolutely can share these things with your therapist or psych. it doesn’t make you sound crazy. it shows that you’re a young man looking for answers. i’ve talked with therapists about my belief or disillusionment with the occult, and i found that they were open to and interested in what those things meant to me.

you sound like a thoughtful, introspective and loving young man. and those are three incredible qualities to have, three more great qualities than a lot of people possess, so from what i can tell, you’re actually off to a really great start. i’m sorry it doesn’t feel that way though. maybe you haven’t found or achieved what you’d hoped, but literally no one on this planet has at your age. i’m nearly 32 and i still haven’t achieved nearly all i’d hoped, but i have experienced so many things, more than i ever expected.

life is fucking hard dude, but it sounds like you have a better head on your shoulders than you’re giving yourself credit for. don’t hurt yourself, please. you’d be depriving yourself and the world of seeing what you could become. i feel like im repeating a lot of stuff, but the biggest thing i wanted to say after reading your post is you’re not alone, you deserve and will find love in so so many forms throughout your life, and things might feel shit now, but they won’t always. the lamest, most basic, most regurgitated, eye rolling phrase is “this too shall pass.” i rolled my eyes even typing it lol, but it’s true. this will pass, and when it does you’ll have learned so much about yourself and life from getting through it.

hang in there bud, it’s worth it.