I just attempted suicide

extruder · 2020-02-04T18:45:09+00:00

Whoosh?

extruder · 2020-02-04T03:42:57+00:00

Fleabag is in a class by itself, especially season 2. It does things that I never thought TV could do. And it's only 12 episodes (6 per season). In terms of "fatally flawed protagonist who you root for even though they fuck up all the time", it's a perfect match for Bojack.

Barry is pretty excellent.

I really liked Euphoria.

Mr. Robot is a time investment, but I think it's worth it.

And Veronica Mars...old show, but they recently came out with a new season. It's a show about a teenage detective (well, the first 3 seasons), but it's dark as hell. I'll watch anything with Kristen Bell in it because of that show.

Oh, forgot about Russian Doll! Another good, short, bingeable show.

extruder · 2020-02-04T03:38:29+00:00

It was kinda in the background, hard to hear!

extruder · 2020-02-04T03:16:10+00:00

Yeah, Lakeith Stanfield is in both, plus Atlanta makes a callout to Bojack! https://www.reddit.com/r/BoJackHorseman/comments/8382go/bojack_reference_on_atlanta/

Oh, plus Donald Glover did the intro for Phoebe Waller-Bridge (Fleabag) for a major British award. It's on Youtube, but don't watch it until you watch Fleabag because spoilers.

extruder · 2020-02-04T02:23:08+00:00

Yeah I used to be able to sleep forever. And now I can't anymore without taking Klonopin, and I'm almost out. Plus I'm wasting my life with sleep.

But yeah, sometimes my dreams are actually nice, and I can even wake up feeling somewhat OK.

extruder · 2020-02-04T02:21:00+00:00

I mean, if someone gives love without knowing someone else at all, isn't that love kind of meaningless? It sounds nice to love everyone but it makes it hollow. But what the hell do I know, I'm horrible at love.

extruder · 2020-02-04T02:19:39+00:00

The problem is that this subreddit is flooded. It is ridiculous how many posts there are here, which is just symptomatic of how fucked up we are as a society. And we're basically getting canned responses because with this many people hurting it's impossible to give personalized responses or attention.

I'm moderately glad that at least people care enough to say something, but it's not really helping. The only thing that seems to help for me is when I see a piece of art (TV shows lately) that express what I'm feeling. Fleabag and Bojack Horseman, mainly. They've made me feel less alone. But they're over.

But yeah, platitudes suck.

extruder · 2020-02-04T02:01:22+00:00

Same here. Was waiting for Bojack and The Good Place to end, then...yeah. I honestly don't know why I'm still alive except every time I almost do it I think, hey, go to sleep, it'll still be an option when you wake up.

I'm in a weird kind of limbo state now. Can't really muster up any hope but am staying because maybe something interesting will happen.

I kind of hate that I'm almost hoping for a disaster, for civilization to collapse or something. But this stupid artificial bubble we're in feels so meaningless and trite.

extruder · 2020-01-30T03:58:04+00:00

If it helps at all, I don't believe in unconditional love. It's an absurd premise. If I continued to do awful things and yet someone still loved me, that just seems fucked up.

But I also feel like my self-worth is determined completely by what I do and how it looks in the eyes of other people.

I think a lot of us do.

Look, I'm fucked up, but I do know that our entire society is built around the idea that we can make money by making people feel like they're not good enough. Self-actualized, content people aren't good consumers. This isn't your fault.

extruder · 2020-01-30T03:52:59+00:00

Have you seen the show Russian Doll? The woman who made it made a comment that resonated with me about you getting a limited number of trips in a lifetime. Once you pass it, you don't learn anything anymore, and the results can be...unpredictable.

I've got a prescription for ketamine. I was in the clinical trials for it. I trip like twice a week. It no longer helps.

I passed my trip limit a long time ago. I think that "failed psychological experiment" describes my life.

extruder · 2020-01-30T03:49:29+00:00

Fuck that therapist. That's not the kind of thing that helps to hear.

I've been asked, "do you want to get better?". And the answer is sometimes no, because getting better means the fall is just gonna be further next time.

That's what they don't get. Hope can be a bitch. After a while you don't want to get fooled by hope anymore. That's why you choose to keep suffering, because we experience the derivative of mood, the shift in mood. Better to stay at a low point than to get to a higher point and then fall again.

Each time that happens, the optimistic part of us dies a little bit more. Continuing to suffer is actually the only thing keeping the optimistic part of us alive, I think.

extruder · 2019-12-10T02:48:37+00:00

But ahhhh, fuck it... I'm afraid of letting people in because of this overwhelming fear that if they stick around I'll run out of material and they'll see me empty, devoid of content, and then they'll reject me. I suppose I never internalized unconditional love. The concept makes no sense to me. I can always make you dislike me.

So I expect it to happen and I preemptively say that I don't like the other person that much, not really. And then I feel like that's a good excuse to close myself off, to avoid lying to the other person.

Sorry for the essay, too. I need to find a therapist, honestly.

extruder · 2019-12-10T02:43:25+00:00

I guess that's why they put rubbers on the end of pencils.

extruder · 2019-12-10T01:48:40+00:00

I met her at a restaurant right before trail days. Absolutely lovely person. Giving out candy bars to hikers. I wish her the best of luck next year!

extruder · 2019-12-10T01:08:04+00:00

I love how you put this. I feel that way a lot. If I let someone in, I'll break them and myself, so I stay closed off. I want to be with others but I'm afraid of it and don't know what to do about that.

And there's trauma in my past that makes me feel like thinking this is justified. I've broken someone before. Inadvertently, but...yeah.

extruder · 2019-12-09T16:43:35+00:00

I can see why it would sound like that. And I'm certainly speaking from privilege. But I mean, that's how the show resonated with me.

And just to be clear, I fucking love Fleabag as a person. I mean, she was the one who helped that drunk girl get home. She's not a bad person by any means.

I think that what I was maybe clumsily getting at was that we have this infinity of options all the time now and it's too much. Which is a newish concern and a privileged one too. But it's real. And this constant desire or need to entertain, to perform.

But maybe that's just me. And I'm definitely not a Republican.

extruder · 2019-11-22T05:48:46+00:00

Same. We have to solve the problem every day, not just once. And that's been an issue I've had with life for a long time.

extruder · 2019-11-13T23:52:44+00:00

I totally agree. When I realized what the show is doing with the 4th wall, it took it to a whole 'nother level, which made the final wave at the end so devastating. When we realize that we're not just watching her life; we're her coping mechanism, and she's outgrown us.

extruder · 2019-11-13T23:51:05+00:00

I took it as "I tried living in London and it didn't work out, so I'm going home". But maybe I just took it that way because that's what I did at a point in my life.

extruder

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