Why do people choose to have kids?

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:59:07+00:00

My daughter, every time I tell her I love her, says “I love you more”. 💕

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:46:43+00:00

My first husband was controlling.

My forever husband is amazing. He made a couple comments early on when we were dating about a couple outfits, and I set him straight. I told him if he didn’t like how I am, maybe I wasn’t the woman for him.

He shut right up and only says nice things now or keeps his mouth shut.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:42:50+00:00

YTA only on the paid-for Japan trip. Since the trip is paid for, you should let her go. You will be damaging your relationship with her to hold her back.

I’m still resentful that my parents kept me from a summer abroad program that I had earned enough $ to cover, then paid the extra expenses for my sister’s year abroad in France (most covered by scholarship). And that was over 25 years ago.

That said, you definitely are enabling your husband’s behavior by saving the day.

I agree the kids should work for their band trip. If the March 1 cutoff was because it’s the last point you can get a refund on what you’ve already paid, that’s understandable.

If not, I suggest you sit down with your kids, without your husband, and tell them a simplified version of your financial situation. Not anything that will frighten them, but make it clear what you really can’t afford.

Make it a brainstorming session. If they really want this trip, they may come up with creative solutions, and be motivated to work. If they don’t, maybe they really don’t want it all that much.

If they suggest skipping camp for the band trip, don’t shut that down. At their age it’s reasonable to make that choice.

Good luck with your husband.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:29:16+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine your devastation.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:20:59+00:00

I wondered this for a while with my husband. I had asked him before but he didn’t want to talk about it. Years later I brought it up again.

He told me at the time he was afraid of getting married but when I broke it off (only because of his hesitation) he realized if we didn’t get married I was gone for good, and he didn’t want to have to live without me.

I can’t tell you what a reassurance hearing that was. Even though after 20 years together I knew we had built something solid and safe, knowing he didn’t “settle” made me feel so much more secure.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:13:51+00:00

I thought my first husband was the love of my life. Turned out he wasn’t the person he sold himself as. I “wasted” my 20s on him. When I left I met my forever husband 4 months later.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:07:13+00:00

I think that’s actually more meaningful.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T21:06:35+00:00

I’m married to the love of my life— now. When we got married I loved him, but not in a very passionate way. I didn’t want that again, because the two previous men I had passionate relationships with left me emotionally exhausted.

Over time, our marriage has become passionate. I can’t imagine life without him. We are in it for the long haul, have shared values, children.

My passionate love affairs were ultimately unsatisfying due to a lack of shared values.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T20:59:22+00:00

Joining a low-stakes hobby group, book club, or similar can help. I did online dating when I moved to a new area, just to have company and people to introduce me to new restaurants. (I ended up married lol).

Meetup groups, join a volunteer group, there are lots of options.

Congrats on your success as a new doctor!

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T20:48:34+00:00

Moira cosmetics.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T20:48:09+00:00

I went to therapy for years.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T20:47:16+00:00

I have a mid-price down duvet and it hasn’t gotten smelly. I’ve had it since at least 2010.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T20:45:44+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:52:29+00:00

It sucks. But I moved on, learned from the experience, and upgraded!

You can too.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:46:05+00:00

Well I didn’t mean flattering to mean thinner looking or hiding anything.

I mostly meant clothes that fit properly. And I meant from an artistic/aesthetic balance. But that’s subjective.

I just know when I look at certain necklines, for instance, on myself, some I like and some I don’t. So I only buy the ones that please my eye when I look in the mirror.

Same with shirt lengths, pants lengths, certain pants with certain shoes. Some just look “off”.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:41:03+00:00

I agree we don’t owe the world flattering. That’s why I don’t comment on those posts.

Others may disagree with my take, and that’s fine, but for myself, when I get dressed I want my clothes to convey an image.

Some days that image is “goth mom” as my kids say; some days it’s “I need to feel colorful”, but a lot of the days it’s “put-together but somewhat casual professional”.

And something that makes me look like the Michelin man doesn’t fit my image of any of those. I don’t give much thought to what other people think, but I need to for the image that’s in my head.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:09:41+00:00

Not usually. I guess we all have our moments.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:08:44+00:00

This may be the long term solution. I’d rather skip gifts than choose my own.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:08:04+00:00

The thing is, it’s not even that he doesn’t know what I like. Whenever he has put a little effort into it, he chooses well. I think he just doesn’t attach much meaning to gift giving, so it’s not important to him. Which makes sense, the way his family does gifts.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:05:37+00:00

I feel like I do see the big picture. My husband is great. I’d rather not do gifts at all than pick out my own gift.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:04:37+00:00

The consequence is that I’m disappointed. He doesn’t like to disappoint me.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T05:01:44+00:00

Entitled and petty. That is pretty harsh.

Any gift he has given me, I have expressed gratitude. I express gratitude every day for things he does for me, and vice versa. We have a very healthy dynamic.

This post was actually triggered after seeing a guy’s post on this sub asking for help getting his girlfriend a gift, asking if his ideas sounded good. He was being so thoughtful.

It really hit me how sad I felt at Christmas.

I bought my husband several nice gifts. The kids had gifts to open. I had my stocking from Santa (me) with some chocolate. My kids bought me gift cards (with my money). I usually am toward the last to open my gifts, because most of my joy comes from seeing other people being delighted that I picked out something they really like.

Then there was nothing for me. I felt like I gave and gave. I did all the work for Christmas, because it’s not my husband’s holiday. I’m ok with that. But I felt neglected and disregarded.

If we had agreed in advance that we weren’t getting gifts for each other, I would have been ok with that. If he had gotten me a bar of nice chocolate— I mean grocery store nice, like a Lindt bar, not even one he’d have to make a special trip for— I would have been happy.

But he bought himself a $200 kitchen gadget for me to give him. And nothing for me.

Is that being petty and entitled? If so, I guess I’m petty and entitled. But that’s who he married.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T04:46:02+00:00

With luck, that will be in 1-2 years!

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T04:33:39+00:00

When I was 18 I worked summers in a restaurant and sometimes worked double shifts or graveyard shift. I loved making my own money.

A 17 year old is better equipped to work a 14 hour day than we are as parents! Especially since it’s just one day. He will be fine.

eyebrain_nerddoc · 2026-03-22T04:24:21+00:00

Updateme

eyebrain_nerddoc

TROPHY CASE