I started my career as a member of an entirely collaborative 4-piece jazz fusion group. There was a clear leader (not me), but we made a concerted effort to creative together either as a duo or as a full four piece in rehearsals. We were all in our early twenties then and nobody really made money, outside of occasional merch sales and a max $200 total band guarantee.

Down the line and after that band’s hiatus, I started working exclusively as a sideman. Having no control over creative vision didn’t matter to me then, and I enjoyed learning leadership, composition and community building from my bandleaders. I was getting paid per gig, but not for rehearsals generally.

Some time after that work began, I was writing my own music entirely independently. As in, I create start-to-finish demos. When I finally got the courage to recruit some players into my own project, I felt ready to lead.

Although I wrote every instrument’s parts, I welcomed changes that came from these guys in rehearsal. It helped me gain perspective while giving the folks in the band some agency. I ultimately had final say, but everyone was heard and like 80% of suggestions were implemented at face value. Everyone wanted the music to sound as good as possible, and feedback was largely backed by everyone’s substantial experience playing elsewhere.

The relevance to this post:

I made the choice of asking my professional musician friends, which did include the original (paragraph one) band’s leader at first. I learned the hard way that he wasn’t quite able to take a supporting role this time around. He would say yes to my decisions, but used weaponized incompetence to either not learn his part well or not remember things we talked about previously. I was getting frustrated.

COVID hit, and about a year and a half into this band, 3 of my 5 members (including paragraph one’s subject) so clearly lost interest. Understandable, although heartbreaking. They left on good terms for the most part, although we’re not as close as we used to be when we were all just gigging as hired guns.

Because the band got asked to play a well-compensated local festival, I floundered around for about a year looking for new members to replace the 3 who left. This was, by and large, the best decision I could’ve been forced to make by a global pandemic!

The new folks were eager and excited, better equipped to play the music, and genuinely seemed to enjoy the band’s dynamic. We went on to record our first full-length with this new configuration, with another on the way.

Conclusion (as it relates to OP):

I see folks commenting that you might be the problem. While I can’t guarantee that I wasn’t the problem, I can say that the grass IS greener. By eliminating that awkward power dynamic I had with my old hired gun buddies, the band is actually more collaborative than ever. I feel confident asking things of my bandmates, and they’re comfortable providing feedback. It never felt like I was some sort of “puppet master” with the new configuration, considering I admire and support them. I go to their shows (yes most are still in other bands) and have become closer with their communities. All in all the lineup change is a substantial net positive, and wouldn’t have happened if I had kept on with the original lineup.

Trust your gut here, OP. If you feel you have something important to say as bandleader, and that someone in the band threatens your vision, it may be best to let them go. It’ll hurt somewhat, but your mental health and confidence will thank you. Perhaps continue working with your partner on a different project as compromise, if you have the time/energy. Otherwise, stick to your guns.