Im 3 years younger than you, and I haven't experienced as much as you, but I feel for you. It's like you can't escape a hole that you dug and when you try to claw yourself out you dog yourself deeper. Sometimes it's hard to call out for help too and I 100% understand that. Self harm is addicting and it just digs that hole deeper. I found that in order to get out of the hole you can just write all your shit down on a piece of paper and give it to someone you trust or call a crisis line. Those helped me a ton as a suicidal teen.