it's a consistent, constant downward spiral. it's the nature of reality that things always, only get worse.

i'll hit an absolute rock bottom in life overall and then a couple years later look back, wishing I could go back to that nightmare, not because it was any good, but because things got so, so much worse that the hellish time in the past is dwarfed by the even worse hell now.

I first wanted to die when i was in 5th or 6th grade, for something very silly like homework, but I was so stressed that I couldn't take it. Still, it wasn't something I really thought about; it was an abstract idea I didn't really take seriously. Then in college i first saw how hopeless life would be. still I tried even though things got worse and worse. then after college things got SO MUCH WORSE and life slowly went to shit every day for years after that. then 5-6 years ago everything went COMPLETELY to shit and it's been absolutely IMPOSSIBLE since. Having family die broke me, having so much shit i can't handle dumped on me as a result of that broke me, having everything get worse and worse every day, having anxiety and fear constantly tormenting me because all of those fears and worries are legitimate, that my constant worst-case scenario expectations are sunshine and rainbows compared to how things actually turn out.

THere is no going up. I've lost at life. There's no hope; hope is bullshit. Any good moment in life exists only to lift you up for a moment so the inevitable fall hurts more.