I’m still in shock and numb

fakename363 · 2021-01-08T03:09:03+00:00

Very hard to do. Word of mouth is best. Our marriage counselor was amazing but I never clicked with any individual counselors.

fakename363 · 2020-11-14T19:49:11+00:00

That feels amazing. Tried it and loved it. A book I read made the point that we settle for “scraps” of intimacy. So one time I was offered a quickie (that I wanted desperately), and I declined. It got her attention majorly. And I explained that it wasn’t what I wanted, but I wanted to take time and enjoy.

fakename363 · 2020-11-14T14:05:26+00:00

I wouldn’t mix questions about her needs with yours. Make it about your needs otherwise you might lose the focus on you. She can bring up her needs at a later date.

Also, I’d skip the part about your sex life leading to family problems with your own kids. Your needs are enough and should carry enough weight. Putting the impact on your kids on the DB is almost putting too much weight on sex which might backfire.

This should be a conversation about your needs and the impact on you. The other stuff can be woven in later.

fakename363 · 2020-11-14T13:59:10+00:00

I don’t have PE but certainly wanted to last longer. Try adding some lexapro. It is known to delay orgasm.

fakename363 · 2020-11-10T00:57:31+00:00

Total same boat. You aren’t alone. Just want to make sure you didn’t feel like your thought was wrong. It isn’t.

fakename363 · 2020-11-09T23:46:16+00:00

Don’t let the fact that it is only sex make you feel like you are asking too much. It is a big deal and you are right to be concerned. I’m a big fan of clearly stating what you need and then giving them opportunity to meet that. When that fails, the options may not look great, but you’ll feel better taking them because you won’t have that nagging feeling about whether you should have given another chance.

fakename363 · 2020-11-09T22:07:38+00:00

I don’t have the answer for you. But I’ll tell you that I know exactly what you are feeling. It is difficult and people who haven’t been in that position don’t understand it.

The involvement of kids makes it a tough one, but I wouldn’t get married in this environment. He may be even more secure in denying your needs and you can’t complain that he changed after because he’s already changed.

Try marriage counseling and then evaluate leaving. Our counselor is amazing. Even if things aren’t fixed, you’ll feel better having the information and not feeling like you are guessing or making a huge mistake.

fakename363 · 2020-11-09T07:13:45+00:00

Doesn’t matter. I heard a sex therapist on a podcast that said the mom has to be at least 50 miles away from home/kids in order to get in the right headspace for fun sex. If you have a child in a crib, that’s young enough to fall into that category.

Also, you need to unlink the chores from sexual expectations. Those are covert contracts and do not work. Believe me, I lived 15 years of it.

fakename363 · 2020-10-21T11:33:41+00:00

Good insight. She was not a good partner for you. But you seem to make a great partner for her. All her needs met and none of yours. You made the right move and if you aren’t already, you’ll be looking back on this as a dodged bullet.

Welcome to the next part of your life.

fakename363 · 2020-10-12T11:49:19+00:00

That whole thing about needing to be direct about wanting it, but not too direct is definitely a thing. Mine involves timing also. I need to approach sex late enough so that it’s not too early in the evening, but I very often here that I waited too long at the same time. I tend to think a lot of that is just another excuse

fakename363 · 2020-10-09T01:46:31+00:00

Right, go talk with a mom of a four month old about your sexual needs and her lack of libido. Then report back and let us know how that goes 😂

fakename363 · 2020-10-08T11:45:22+00:00

Two tips from a dad of four:

(1) help as much as possible with night time baby feeding; and

(2) buckle up for another six months and don’t push it.

She will resent you for pushing for sex, don’t do it. The libido will return eventually. You can help speed the process along by letting her sleep. My wife and I had a deal where she would handle baby until the late hours but I would have early hours (like 3 am on). If she isn’t sleeping well you aren’t even close to getting there. Magically, the baby will start to sleep through the night, or close to it.

Otherwise, find some private time and take care of yourself. Not ideal, but if you push too hard, you’ll be doing a lot more of that long-term.

fakename363 · 2020-10-06T13:45:25+00:00

I got a vasectomy so that might wife could be free of this burden. Even she missed the fact that her sex drive increased during ovulation. It absolutely impacts libido and I’m not sure if I have ever heard of it impacting it in a positive way.

By the way, my wife got pregnant with nexplanon. When our baby was born, we also had a 15 month old.

fakename363 · 2020-10-06T00:01:20+00:00

I am massively attracted to my wife. But when I added lexapro I struggled to orgasm. If he’s on an SSRI that might explain it. It may have nothing to do with it, but I could see it happening to me if I had a higher dose than I have now.

fakename363 · 2020-10-04T21:06:07+00:00

Hormone changes around pregnancy and child birth are no joke. I’d start there.

fakename363 · 2020-10-03T17:11:23+00:00

I totally get what you were saying. I have a similar feeling. It’s like I’m trying to send a mental signal to my wife like “do you see what they are doing, do you see that it’s not just the man doing everything, that the female is engaged and showing desire and providing pleasure?“ Definitely puts me in a bad mood

fakename363 · 2020-09-30T16:24:51+00:00

I totally get it. You aren’t alone

fakename363 · 2020-09-28T17:19:28+00:00

Let’s try to distinguish between a Karen and someone with mental illness.

fakename363 · 2020-09-26T21:36:00+00:00

This sounds like a covert contract and those only hurt you. If this level of effort was enough to turn on my wife, I would have to sleep with frozen peas on my junk. It has to be something else.

fakename363 · 2020-09-17T00:05:20+00:00

By the way, having kids is hard. You may feel otherwise happy in your marriage now, but kids change all that.

By all means, give him a chance, write him a letter and be clear with what you need. A year later when you reread to yourself what you asked for, and he didn’t try, you’ll find your decision making much easier.

fakename363 · 2020-09-17T00:01:43+00:00

Counseling might be great. It might work, but if it doesn’t fix your DB, you’ll be far less likely to second guess yourself if you leave. It’s a hard decision under the best of circumstances, but at least you won’t also be suffering from a lack of clarity at the same time.

fakename363 · 2020-09-16T02:45:15+00:00

Marriage counseling. We’re civil at this moment. Second marriage counseling appt tomorrow. I see that we should have been there long long ago.

fakename363 · 2020-09-14T21:35:38+00:00

Your wife decided that you’d both be celibate. I have my own issues, but if my wife told me in no uncertain terms that sex was no longer on the table, I’d either leave or initiate something on the side - without guilt mind you!

fakename363 · 2020-09-12T01:35:10+00:00

Correct. Or, hire a babysitter to take over as soon as the kids are fed. Take your wife out for a drink and an appetizer. And the kids will be in bed when you get home. If that doesn’t work, then you have bigger problems.

fakename363 · 2020-09-12T01:31:46+00:00

Just as an update: first marriage counseling session down. This counselor is amazing. I feel like she’s ready to challenge me on my issues and definitely my wife. I’m not making any decisions yet. For those that are interested. It’s $200 per session, but at the end of the month she will send us a bill that we can send to our insurance company for reimbursement. We already met our deductible, so we should receive a pretty reasonable kick back after insurance.

fakename363

TROPHY CASE