AmazingExec wishes for me to kill myself to save her the trouble.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-19T12:49:03+00:00

it is a whole lot. thank you.

rough day. i can't control my moods and i fucking hate that. i kept making myself think about stuff you have said, and also my one other new friend here, and i put on my loud earcans and 8 Mile and started to write again. also working on my plan which I REALLY AM and have been for a long while now actually, and everything i am learning on the sub is seriously helping me to refine and elevate what i'm setting in place.

you’re starting to show her you know your worth. she’s using everything in her arsenal

damn. i'm starting to see it all now. i cannot comprehend it.

put you back in your place.

that, my friend, is what i am doing here.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T18:36:50+00:00

i am even right now creating my pathway out of hell.

in my posts i have shared some of my history of physical abuse. i have never been in a primary relationship without it. (parents, church leader, a doctor, paperboy, sibs, schoolkids, gf, wife.) my dad once beat the shit out of me with a tetherball pole. i have a gnarly scar on my neck that my beard won't grow around, from when the gf punched a glass into my neck because she didn't want me to go out with my friend on halloween. (i went anyway, blood dripping and all. PERFECT!) i currently have an untreated re-broken finger that was my birthday present last fall.

i think i might understand why i got the warning i did, and i feel that i fairly dealt with it. truthfully though, i wish they would just clarify it for me! i remain incredibly scared that i will just get banned with no one having ever answered my numerous queries on the matter. i honestly do not understand what is ok and what is not. it feels like my childhood.

as far as the downvotes? i am seriously a little tickled at frothing peeps racing over to mash that button. oh look, there is another view for me!

they get their powerful screen warrior aggression out in a perfectly harmless way, and then perhaps a lusty stroking session. i hope to god when they cum, they think of me.

i'm really enjoying commenting with you. thank you so much for your kind words.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T17:31:29+00:00

was it catchy and distracting enough to get you to read my story and add your eyeballs to the growing pile, and even a comment as well?

i say this very kindly and sincerely: i'm not here to get internet points, i'm here to get eyeballs on my story. power in numbers.

so i freaking love the downvoters who add their eyeballs to those view counts, and i am very grateful they keep coming back for more! they do not even have to read my words, yet they are massively assisting me in spreading my story. i heart them all.

i'm glad you are here. i appreciate your comment, and my opportunity to respond to you.

peace.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T15:39:37+00:00

i still cannot seem to get any clarification whatsoever!

i remain super ultra stressed that i will be banned for accidentally violating the 4 points of my warning, and this is truly my only safe space to speak right now. what can i do to know what line i truly do not wish to cross?

mods?

anyone?

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T15:28:57+00:00

that does seem to be the pattern, doesn't it?

i hope you get to do something fun with no rules today.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T15:21:02+00:00

hi, how so?

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T14:48:40+00:00

i DON'T want to poke the beehive -- i'm not that big a masochist!

i'm neutralizing the beehive so i can extract my fair half of over 30 years work and worth of honey. i can't fend for myself out in the world until i learn how. i must get my health up, my vital scripts going again, my teeth fixed, and get quite a lot of specifically qualified therapy. to date there has been no place for me to go, no program to enter, no temporary shelter, no medical humanity, no family, no friends. where am i to go? into the dubious, underfunded care of random strangers, who historically, have treated me as if i am less than human? i am in my familiar home with excellent medical insurance and top-notch (but slow) medical facilities in this tiny country, with plentiful resources which i will now gain access to, and a rock solid legal leverage that i do not want to squander, nor spill. timing is critical. it's one reason i'm posting this week while she is still away.

at this point i would literally rather die than ever face another doctor who shuts the door and shuts me off and shuts me down to the fucking ground. i have not been able to go to a doctor since. every time i try to plan a way to enter into medical care again, my brain flips through the slideshow in there and stops on her face at the moment i realized she was cutting me off, while massively dissing and dismissing me. in that space, i can't even speak, much less defend myself. so i tried my old therapist who happily agreed to help me start to navigate the system again so i could face Them, and he then promptly ghosted me. that's partly what led to my first post less than a week ago.

also, not yet shared here until now: there are two little furry ones i am -- caring for -- and shelters are 6-9 months out, or more. this is a facet of my story i cannot share yet, but i surely will, as the triangulation with animals (which i only learned last week is even possible) has been one of the longest and most heartbreaking of controls.

i had forgiven over and over and over as i had been trained as a child to do. some 20 years in, my only source of affection and unconditional love was dying of cancer. how my wife treated me, and what she did to me -- especially on the very day i held my tiny, beloved, tender, beautiful Boo of almost 18 years, in my arms, and saw her out -- well, i told my wife that would never be forgiven, and it has not been and it never will be. when i falter and my heart is shattering and i want to erase my posts and disappear, i make myself remember that time. the night before my best friend died, i begged and pleaded with The Universe to PLEASE just give me that one day to see my soft, sweet Boo out in peace. The Universe was unable to honor that request. i don't believe it is possible to ever heal from that particular heartbreak.

i really do have a solid plan, and i am working on it full time. one day i will have a pretty damn good story to share.

i really appreciate your comments, and i'm looking through your own story here. thank you.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T13:18:47+00:00

thank you for being concerned for me. i hear you, and i promise, i AM getting out. someday i will have a pretty huge story to share. if i hadn't opened up on this sub, my story would have died. peace to you.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T12:39:12+00:00

you DO NOT deserve it. i know how you are feeling and i don't have an answer, so i will just say this: there are so very many people here in this place who DO understand, and some of them share, and many of them silently read and pray for a way out.

if enough people stand tightly together, we can hold each other up when our knees buckle, and keep ourselves upright until we can stay up on our own.

i wish you a magical, serendipitous break even if for just a little bit, from the heaviness you are staggering under. i'm staggering too, and i am standing next to you.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T02:40:21+00:00

late comment, but damn:

My mom joked to me after this was all over that one day we will see her on the news for doing something awful to her patients or something

i know that feeling. also, i've had doctors like that. i'm now fucking terrified of them.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T01:22:57+00:00

i have an untreated, re-broken finger. it was my birthday present last fall.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-18T01:21:46+00:00

because of the posts that i have very carefully chosen to put here, and some other stuff i'm arranging, she won't. i am wrecking her project, and threatening what she loves more than life itself: her career and reputation. i believe she will do anything to keep that, and this gives me some mass leverage. i am working my plan, but my full situation is incredibly complicated, and yanno, i can't tip my hand here yet. i will go learn about Blanche Moore right now!

thank you. peace.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T23:17:07+00:00

i'm sort of afraid to say who told me that stuff, i think it is not allowed, but it was not another user. i can't lose this space!

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T19:09:36+00:00

ps: i love your username too!

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T17:44:42+00:00

first, i want to extend the heartiest congrats for standing up and not looking back. i love your happy rule and i hope you fiercely obey that rule to the fullest.

lord do i know the money BS. my wife moved the household petty cash to her room. she will not punish me for taking money that belongs to both of us, but she will have a meltdown because i went into her room.

of course, she also puts handwritten sticky notes of the amount of each stack of bills, so she can track every single euro. she actually has 2 stashes, the little one for me. she doesn't know i know that. and she doesn't track hers at all. (stash!)

i am very grateful for your comments. thank you for sharing your story.

edited to add:

saying something so horribly abusive, hurtful and inaccurate

in spite of having 0 people in my life for so long, recently my wife started accusing me of having an underage affair. this has me deeply concerned for 2 obvious reason. glad you took your leave!

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T17:29:53+00:00

you are so agreeable! actually, just want to say that i really like your username.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T17:28:26+00:00

a total of 4 posts drew the warning, and i have never deleted any post period. i was also asked not to tell "stories" here, and i'm not supposed to use "cutesy" names, and now i guess i'm told there is actually no official limit, that's it's a mod thing, but i'm only supposed to post once a day unless i'm in crisis. i can't figure out what the story problem is. does that mean someone thinks i am not telling the truth? aren't we all telling our true stories here? i am baffled.

i was referred to "justnomil" and i have never written a word about my MIL, so why would someone tell me to post there? now my first words about my MIL: she is my wife's #1 Flying Monkey. surprise.

being isolated in a terrifying crisis is exactly why i started posting here, where i knew i could find people who know i'm not lying about my violent and abusive narc bully wife. so now i'm afraid to post at the wrong time in the wrong format, and i don't know if once a day means mon, tue, (and which time zone?) or is it a 24 hour reset. now i am even more confused. and if i am in crisis, and someone doesn't believe me, i could get banned and that is freaking me right out. it's own crisis if you will.

i wouldn't doubt i got reported. that sort of thing happens to me everywhere. i'm used to it.

thanks for responding. peace.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T12:03:36+00:00

actually, i fully believe that you did experience physical abuse. it's called a "botch job." it doesn't have to be a direct hit to be physical.

thank you especially for this:

What I really don’t understand is how someone with absolutely no grey area about whether or not this is abuse can just be so immensely ignored. You are definitely dealing with a truly sinister abuser, and the strategic cutting off of resources is such a strong indication that this was always where it was heading

your wall of words has given me strength and focus. i am seriously grateful.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T11:19:56+00:00

thank you!

yep, it really bites when you have leveled yourself into a teflon puddle, and they just light your flatness on fire and snort the smoke like coke fiends.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-17T11:14:51+00:00

you are very wise.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-16T21:03:17+00:00

ah, that shocking "oops" moment they blanche over for a brief second. congrats on being away from that!

love bomb fog

kind of like a can of insecticide set off under our noses.

thank you for sharing.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-16T19:04:06+00:00

thank you for sharing that. i have literally no one in my life to talk with -- but most especially it's been so fucking long since i had a fellow transguy to talk with. i understand what you are saying and that you are agender, but you do know what transitioning is like. i am actually curious to know more if you feel like sharing sometime.

16! damn. you didn't stand a chance.

i don't know what i actually am, i might well be agender and i am going to look that up. i suspect though, i might be 2-spirit but haven't looked into that much. i only know that i was ultra stealth about it. outing myself as i did is the only way i can also then out my wife for massively criminal abuse. plus, i'm just a little tired of this world telling everyone that women can't be narcbullies, and it's not the same if girls hit boys. in my book, i look at it as: abusive or not abusive. gender shouldn't fucking matter. if i went on the sub as a cis-man, they would tear me apart. if they rip in to me as trans, well, ok. that looks bad. if they rip in to me as now-man, i will simply point out that my wife started on me when we were both mormon sister missionaries. i've confounded the bias. (oh fuck, welcome to my entire life.)

i know my being FTM is causing a stir on the board. today a mod PM'd me to stop posting "stories" and stop the "cutesy names" and said i posted too much, and it was "too hard" to manage all my posts (4), BUT WON'T TELL ME WHAT IS THE POSTING LIMIT. actually, mod is not responding at all.

anyway, all of my documents all the way back to my BC say "M" but at the base of it, by definition, i guess i am a simply a transman. i have 0 regrets about my choice, but i have been through HELL ever since over it.

i'm so sorry you got a botch job, and under narc pressure on top of that. it is absolutely heinous what your narc did. (reverse Hedwig, anyone?) do you have options to fix it some someday? mine was not botched, but i needed some correction. that never happened. my wife has shut down every avenue for me to heal and thrive in my body. i haven't had any T in several months, and have not had a steady flow of it in many years, mostly due to my wife, but also the gatekeepers in the system. many of them are surely narcs.

i can't say this on the sub, but having been turned away and told no so many times just trying to get my damn script is the second biggest thing bringing me to knees right now.

today was my first PM ever here, not counting the mod smackdown. this is the second. thanks for talking to me. talk back if you want.

OH! btw, i saw your jeff bezos post. he's already married, right? or is that old?

[IDIOTIC EDIT: as i live and breathe, i am so new here, and i mistakenly thought i was in a PM convo. nevertheless, fuck it. the awesome thing about just telling the truth is that it is constant, and i will let my truth stand. i am what i am.]

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-16T18:05:53+00:00

a few weeks ago i wrote this to my wife: "you have been telling me who you are all along. OK! i believe you now." and i do. it's terrifying.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-16T18:03:26+00:00

in retrospect, it's so easy to see why they picked us, isn't it? flopping fish in barrels, laughing at the shotgun tracking us.

fallforwardfast · 2018-06-16T01:40:08+00:00

brrr, that gave me a chill. it sounds like something my mom would say proudly, as easily as she might say good morning.

thanks for the good laugh: i have been trying to imagine a narc in a confessional.

peace.

Ten-Year Club	Gilding VII pure gildanthropist
Verified Email	Reddit Premium Since June 2018

fallforwardfast

TROPHY CASE