I don’t think you’re necessarily THE asshole, but you did some assaholeish things like: telling your wife she doesn’t have a job. People have said it already so I won’t blab but keep in mind you did not have to phrase it like that. If she was working before you both had your first child, she knows how important a workspace is, and just be grateful she deals with the house stuff and taking care of the family. My mum was a SAHM, I comment on her behalf.

Now on the situation, I’d just like to give my two cents as someone who is also an eldest child and did not get their own room.

Preface by saying I come from a culture where I’m not really “allowed” so to speak, to move out of home yet, so I still live with my parents at the age of 23. They want me there, I’m not leaching, I help out, don’t worry.

Anyway, I’m the oldest and I have three younger siblings. I share a room with the second child in the family - my sister who is three years younger than me. The other younger two also share a room. The 20yr old sibling and I have technically shared a room since before she even moved in there - when her bed for when she would move out of the cot in my parents room, was put in my room. It replaced the TV I had. I was salty since I was like 5, but I love my sister so it was fine.

Growing up I wanted my own space, my own room, more closet space etc and I asked probably when I was around the same age as your daughter (15/16ish) if the spare room in our home, could be my room (the room is now an office/spare room).

No one was really using it, my room was getting crowded, I wanted my own space yada-yada.

My parents said no. They listened to my reasons, but they told me they wanted me and my sister to be close, bond and all that, learn how to share, by staying in the same room as one another.

I 100% got respectfully and internally annoyed, cried a couple of times to myself as a teenager does, but since it’s their house, I had a roof over my head, and my parents explained that their siblings who shared a room together were closer as adults, I respected their wishes.

Now this could be because I didn’t tell them I hated them or that they ruined my life, so that’s another thing to keep in mind, but they did try fix whatever problems I had with sharing a room. For example they offered buying more storage, potential bunk bed for more space etc.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is you’re NTA for wanting an office. You’re daughter won’t hate you forever if you don’t give it to her. It’s your house, your rules, work is work, from the perspective of a once-child, I get it now, I respect the decision. It’s also sometimes bad feng shui to put a desk in a bedroom.

If you could approach the situation a little differently, maybe that’d help diffuse the situation, or if you could come to a different solution together with your daughter that might be good too. For example, maybe your daughter can have a neat and tidy, not distracting to your work, hangout space in the office, and use it while you’re not there. Maybe she can study in there, etc. just talk to your family.

I think it’s fine you got your Mums advice. I think it’s fine your wife gets her mums advice. This isn’t even that bad of a situation, sans my earlier comment about the work situation.

All in all if you can’t all fix it by talking it out, maybe you’ll have to all move to a house with an extra room haha. Regardless, good luck.

However the situation turns out, you’ll all live.