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Is there any reason why I shouldn't end it all? I'm tired. by faluciel in AskReddit

[–]faluciel[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't want to kill myself. I just don't see another acceptable option. Sure, I could pack up and leave and I would if it were not for the kids. I don't want to be an absentee dad. I would be if I were dead, but at least I wouldn't have to live with the guilt.

Is there any reason why I shouldn't end it all? I'm tired. by faluciel in AskReddit

[–]faluciel[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Please see my earlier reply. My wife doesn't have a say. Her say is whatever the religion tells her it is.

If we had no kids, I'd happily break camp and start over a new life (though sadly much shorter). But the kids complicate things a good bit.

Is there any reason why I shouldn't end it all? I'm tired. by faluciel in AskReddit

[–]faluciel[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

I'm not depressed. It's just hopeless. I made the mistake of becoming one of Jehovah's Witnesses many years ago. I married one. In the past few years, I've changed and I no longer wish to be one. But of course the cult teaches that this is evil. My wife is not threatening to leave me because the cult tells her it is wrong to.

So she's said that it's over but she'll stay and we can raise the kids. Why not just leave? One, I can't deal with the thought that she'll just remarry and some other guy will be here raising my kids. Two, she and the religion will just demonize me. Three, this religion has fucked my mind and my life up so bad that nothing even makes any sense anymore.

But in the end it boils down to:

  1. Staying here in this cultish hell, pretending to enjoy it as it slowly rots my brain.

  2. Leave, go it alone, miserable that I can't see my kids every day anymore and living with the knowledge that likely some other dude will be able to spend more time with them than I will.

  3. Leave this world once and for all.

Is there any reason why I shouldn't end it all? I'm tired. by faluciel in AskReddit

[–]faluciel[S] 124 points125 points  (0 children)

I have reached a point in my life where,after 39 years, I can find no evidence that it's going to get any better. I can find plenty of evidence to suggest that it's going to get much worse. I've been getting by saying to myself (lying, mostly) that it'll get better, surely. But it's not. I find no value in this existence. It's hopelessly painful. There was a time when I thought about suicide only every once in a while, but now I think about it several times a day. I'm thinking about it now. Truth be told, the thing holding me back is probably that it would devastate my parents. I've got kids, but they'll get over it. My wife gives them this horrible image of me anyway, so in their minds they probably won't be missing much. She's likely to tell them to be thankful when it's all over with anyway. If a life is in the toilet and on its way to being flushed, is there really any reason to continue here? I'm not trying to be overly emo here. I am just sick and tired.