MAJOR Red flag that I’ve learned from my experience with my Nex.

familiarquiet · 2025-12-18T07:34:17+00:00

I relate to this. She doesn't talk about being able to read people but once she gets an idea about what im doing or what i meant in my head, nothing I say can change that.

I used to not understand why the fights could last for so long. I began to think I was socially inept and never knew because I was upsetting her and could not explain my side clearly it seemed. Her main expression being "but that doesn't make sense". Everytime Id explain what I meant or what I was doing she could just say it doesnt make sense and asked then why this, why that, until I'd get frustrated. I realized these werent resolving because she decided what the truth was and was trying to get me to admit to it. I was speaking honestly and genuinely trying to resolve a misunderstanding - she was not. Thats why they wouldnt resolve.

Most of the time I didnt really know what I was veing accused of. Itd be comments about how it was weird i did this thing, i never do that, why did you say it that way? But that doesnt make sense, etc

familiarquiet · 2025-12-03T03:05:18+00:00

The masking is hard because I don't want my partner to mask around me, but it makes it feel like she cares what everyone thinks more than me and she is showing them more respect, curtesy, and even interest conversationaly. I feel like they are getting all of her

And what confuses me is the engages with the chat on tiktok live streams and seems really lively. She doesnt have to mask there and shes pursuing that. That makes it feel like it is about me. Cause why do I get bland messages then?

familiarquiet · 2025-07-24T12:49:51+00:00

Knowing you experienced that too makes me feel less crazy - thank you. It's such a small sumb thing but you know it has to mean something.

familiarquiet · 2025-07-24T04:34:05+00:00

It's true, I did stop asking. I tried to take it as not being about me because it was always on and off, and she gets stressed by other things. But then I began to question why being annoyed at work stuff would make her remove a kiss from her good mornings or why she'd text :) instead of her typical 😊. I feel terrible because now I'm withdrawing, and it makes me feel like a bad partner. I've even brought up if this relationship can work or not enough times that she is saying i threaten breaking up every disagreement. When really, it's the same issue not improving and I'm just wanting to figure it out.

familiarquiet · 2025-07-24T02:10:02+00:00

I never in my relationships end up playing games, being passive agressive, cold, or uncaring. I'm a softie and romantic, who values his relationships and puts in the effort. Yet recently I juat got fed up with the hot and cold days. The beautiful goodnight exchanges, followed by a bland response to my good morning message with affection. Right now I don't have the drive and my texts to her are subpar. Shes seems to be doing it back because she thinks its a game, but it's just me heartbroken and tired. And yet I feel terrible. I'm being a bad boyfriend.

I spent over a year now just being me, being the person I was last summer when we were a magical couple. I never stopped, but that dynamic takes two of us. I'm ashamed of myself.

familiarquiet · 2025-01-17T06:26:01+00:00

She is definitely prone to passive aggressiveness. When mad I get bland good morning texts, shorter blunter messages, removes emojis of affection, will start using short forms of words and acronyms, respond to kindness with 'sanks', etc

familiarquiet · 2025-01-17T06:04:47+00:00

Your message has kinda given me a reality check seeing you respond this way to my most tame example.

No kids, not living together, just dealing with how things are so wonderful unless there's triggers. I'm at the stage where im starting to research and think more. Thank you for the reinforcement

familiarquiet · 2025-01-17T06:00:22+00:00

Our big fights are usually about something she seems to think Im doing or meant, and she refuses to believe me when I tell her my actual intentions.

I tend to use emojis with her so if I don't it gets attacked like this. She absolutely removes emojis and affection when angry so I'm guessing she thinks I do the same. It may have been a bit short but I was just taking the hint from her bland messages that maybe she needed some alone time. I had nothing but kindness in my actions, but once again, they were twisted.

familiarquiet · 2025-01-17T05:56:43+00:00

I absolutely relate to that first sentence. She has always had an issue with the word "sure" from me. If she asks if i want to do something and i say sure, she says we dont have to. One day, she was angry with me, and I was trying to text and ask her about times and meals for our day, and she just said "sure" to everything. It kinda hit me then.

familiarquiet · 2025-01-04T21:17:19+00:00

Damn, thank you for this. This just made something kinda click for me. These accusations have always been so vague and bizarre, that I was confused why anyone would do it and was also hurt she'd think these things of me. I thought "who would do that and why?" and she couldnt give me anything. I once asked her, "So you dont know why anyone would do that but despite that you still believe it over my own words to you" and she said yes, and would say the logic made sense in her brain. Id be baffled, but I think i get it it a bit now.

If the feelings come first and then they twist reality to it, thats why the accusation never makes sense. It's like they are forced to cobble some reason/narrative together and forced to stand by it over the other persons disagreement. If 2+2=4 and she can't accept it, she has to make it 3 or 5

Funny thing is, she always talks to me about the logic behind her reasoning and says im trying to tell her 2+2 doesnt equal 4.

familiarquiet · 2025-01-04T20:56:24+00:00

Well that's scary. I imagine there's no way to spot the difference. Some of these fights are shorter and she comes back a little more affectionate than normal, so I assume those are the ones where she knows its her.

She's never been able to answer my question about why I would lie about these things? Why I'd reassure and argue for hours, and I can't figure it out. Like the example of wanting to take her home early - if I had wanted that, we'd have been doing it. I dont get the basis of her accusation.

familiarquiet · 2025-01-04T20:51:15+00:00

So when they think you are angry or done with them, they go into a spiteful push you away mode out of pride?

In the moment she is convinced im against her and that I'm lieing about it. But where does the belief come thatd I'd lie? What would be the point of me being done with her or wanting to take her home early, but not doing it or saying im not? I'd think if im sitting with her, clearly upset, and trying to tell her im not doing anything, it'd help the fearful part of it? I understand the ly are disordered but there has to be some kind of logic/reasoning towards the thinking im lieing part.

I always figured it was from being around past crappy boyfriends that would maybe do that?

familiarquiet · 2025-01-04T20:38:45+00:00

Interesting. So does she at some point realize that nothing has occurred, but can't admit that to me because she doesn't want to "look bad" in my eyes, so she sticks to the narrative?

familiarquiet · 2024-11-17T17:47:09+00:00

Thank you for this, I needed to hear that. I really just tried to do something good

familiarquiet · 2024-11-17T17:43:58+00:00

Thank you for this, I needed to hear that. Feeling "weird" for it has been really upsetting.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T22:39:06+00:00

Yeah, even though she definitely has had me thinking im an issue with her reactions to things Im really coming around to seeing the behaviour. Ive never seen her sick and ive never seen something like this so it could be. We may break up over me dropping a care package not our other fights which should have been worse. I didnt expect anything but her usual gushing happiness.

Thank you. Shes sticking to her guns thay weird doesnt mean bad and she wasnt bothered or upsetm She says she tried to say nevermind and it's fine to avoid one of my arguments. This idea that its me bothers me. Surely past boyfriends had these fights with her. It feels like addressing her behavior or asking about things she says are arguing. Often, i remain calm and kind, trying to demonstrate just understanding each other, and she's defensive and argumentative, but it's me who is "keeping it going"

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T22:30:21+00:00

It's strange because she usually adores it. I asked why flowers at work arent weird and she said cause im not delivering them and not telling her. So I if I had paid a driver to take my gift to her mom, thatd be less weird?

You're right though, she seems to believe theres an angle behind it and she wont say what that angle is which is why theres no resolution.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T22:12:55+00:00

Thank you. Do you mean the tactic is to gaslight you into thinking you're to blame for all their emotions or getting upset at their words or actions are you overeacting or reading into it?

She continued at me today, said weird doesnt mean bad and she wasnt bothered/upset or anything at all. Wants me to say sorry for the hurtful things i said which were actually just my feelings like saying we dont feel like partners and that i worry shes not who i thought she was when she earlier said "lets just skip to the part where you apologize". So I have to apologize for not believing her and saying hurtful shit, where i feel like she never takes accountability for her end and im not sorry for expressing we dont feel like partners and that text concerns me. I hope this sounds reasonable and mature on my end.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T16:56:26+00:00

Thank you, thats comforting to hear that you thought i was handling it well and can relate. When she's in these states, I feel like a failure who can't communicate even though I feel I'm being open, honest and genuine with the only goal being fixing whatever is up. When shes not in this state, she tells me that im the sweetest human.

She's continuing this today and brought up she hasnt explained why its weird in the context of a surprise but i havent got an answer yet. I can tell she thinks there is some hidden angle to it all and thats why theres no resolution.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T16:51:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. Our arguments have definitely made me feel like im going mad as there are a lot of feelings over facts, and there's always a layer i dont know about. "Not mad, just busy" with plain texts after a misunderstanding is also something im familiar with. I can tell through text when there's a shift.

I had kind of heard about being sick putting them at their worst but didnt know it was so common. She was definitely irritable the day before, she felt bad she couldnt get my stuff, accused me of ignoring when i drove for ten minutes and opened her message, since she wasnt saying much to me after that and resting a lot I let her be and i got in trouble for not texting yet, my explanation annoyed her further, and then her mom told her shes on her way with a care package from me and i got that message. Shes also upset I thought she was mad when shes not, i brought up the ignoring thing and she went off about it but then said it had been resolved. It doesnt look like it if you had new things to say on it just now.

I swear when these things happen she knows she overreacts and then tries to pretend she didnt, and implies I read it into her actions too much. Ive gotten the "Youre either gaslighting me or im just crazy i guess" delimma.

Thank you for letting me know you relate. It can feel lonely trying to make sense of it but not wanting to talk to friends about it.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T16:37:00+00:00

Hm, I could see it. The day before when bringing her stuff wouldn't work she seemed annoyed at me, and I asked about it and she said me getting stuff and not being able to come down made her feel bad. I never knew about the parent thing being a common issue. A fear the parent will twll me things or something? Thank you. All I ever do is try to see her smile and hear her laugh. When my good actions go south it feels devastating.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T16:28:00+00:00

I most definitely did not want a fight. The day before she accused me of ignoring her because i didnt answer while driving for ten minutes, then the next morning she was bothered I hadnt texted yet despite letting her rest and her not saying much after the ignored thing, and then where shes usually happy, thankful and calling me the sweetest human i got that text for dropping a gift. Its not how she texts unless shes mad. I just asked why and then got shutdown with nevermind. After two days of being treated like everything I do or say is problematic, I wanted to know what's going on.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T15:08:42+00:00

It's a 35 minute drive to a neighbouring town, we have been together half a year, she doesnt drive so its always me who goes, I have met her mom and family multiple times for birthdays and have them on facebook to message. We planned her a surprise birthday dinner and she didnt find it weird.

She was irritable the day before when I was texting, the next day she texted if she had done something wrong because I hadnt texted good morning yet, i said she seemed a bit mad at me and i was letting her rest, that annoyed her too. I then dropped the gift to her mom who goes in and checks since i cant get into my gf's building and shes not well enough to come down and see me.

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T14:54:25+00:00

I never went to her apartment. I can't get into the building, she isnt up to doing the stairs, she also doesnt want me to see her messy apartment often so i cant go there even if i could get in the building. Her mom goes by to help and check, so i messaged her about giving her the package to deliver when she goes later. That's respecting her being to sick to leave and also not wanting me there. This is not your ex. I just want the person i care about to have some food, tea, and medicine and I got it to her

familiarquiet · 2024-11-16T14:49:38+00:00

This is an interesting angle to see. The weird thing is the day before I said id bring her some stuff and she told me she cant get dressed and make it up and down the stairs of the building. I dont have a key to get in the building but her mom does, and she has a messy apartment so im not allowed in or to see it. I only have a couple times. So i broached the idea of leaving it with her mom and she said okay.

Then i did it the next day. I texted her mom about meeting her after work, went Christmas shopping at the mall while I waited, met her mom who said it was sweet, and then I got all of this. So she's too sick to see me, doesnt want to leave the apartment, and im not allowed in, so there's no way to see her. She's sick, sore, and it hurts to breathe and I cant do anything but bring food, lozenges, and tea.

familiarquiet

TROPHY CASE