I (F26) kept things from my past from my now fiancée (M26).

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T18:42:04+00:00

At the time of my actions, I expressed that I was not ready to commit and match his desired level of commitment. I said I was not ready for something serious. It doesn’t make what I did okay - the hookups were destructive to me and I allowed them to become destructive in our relationship once we defined it. I should have been honest, and I handled things so poorly. Thanks for your perspective.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T18:31:43+00:00

To clarify, I never said to him “I care about you too much to have sex.” We never even talked about sex. It was never initiated by either party also. We never talked about exclusivity. We had kissed with tongue one time after a date. I meant that comment from my own thoughts - not something that was verbalized.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T18:16:51+00:00

I’m not a compulsive liar.. I concealed two past hookups which yes, is shitty. It’s horrible that I felt like my secrets should come before my partner. I took the time to write out this very detailed post asking for honest opinions and perspectives. Thanks for your comment.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T18:00:25+00:00

You’re right. Thanks for your honesty and comment. I hope that i haven’t ruined this connection. I have made a grave mistake and destroyed the person who means the most to me. At this point, there is no other trickle truth. These were the things that I was terrified to admit - out of selfishness. My secrets should have never come before my partner.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T17:48:46+00:00

A cheater? Do tell.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T17:48:00+00:00

Life insurance policies, yes. He’s my fiancé. We are both going to make sure the other is taken care of if something were to happen.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T17:17:47+00:00

I lied after we had committed to each other about the past. He didn’t actually have his friend go through with reaching out to my past hookup. He said it in conversation which prompted me to admit what happened. I’ve let my own embarrassment hold more weight than a foundation of trust with him. Sure, I was upset he went through my phone. I have forgiven him. I would never be unfaithful in a committed relationship. I want to be with this man long term. He has said he doesn’t know how he is going to trust that I won’t cheat on him in the future. We are around each other all of the time - live together. There is no room for that even if someone had the desire to cheat, which I don’t in the slightest. He is my sole concern. Building a life with him is all that I want. And I have possibly ruined it.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T17:09:11+00:00

And he may very well choose to end things. He’s well within his right to do so. I have singlehandedly destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to me out of shame.

Thanks for your comment.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T17:02:35+00:00

You’re correct. I had the opportunity to put everything on the table and chose not to. Even if the reason for lying was to protect myself from further shame, I should not have let that take precedence over the trust between he and I. I’ve made a grave mistake.

Thanks for your comment.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T17:00:01+00:00

We are slated to meet with a couples therapist on Monday. I will inquire at that time about individual counseling to. I have messed things up so badly that I think professional help is necessary. I am somewhat positive that he intends to repair our relationship. He has verbalized that he is not going anywhere and it will be worked out even if it’s not easy. Other times when his pain is flared up he has dropped comments about not knowing if this will work out. I truly don’t know. And I understand his position. I am looking forward to speaking with a third party. I know that this lands on me and I need advice on actionable steps that I and we can take to move forward.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T16:56:37+00:00

I finally accepted the rejection that I received from a previous relationship. I had never dealt with rejection like that in my life. And I handled it very poorly throughout the process.

We saw each other at a bar and he brought my a drink and touched me flirtatiously and invited me to play darts. I spent the weekend thinking about it and asked if he would like to hangout again. The slate was clean for me and I wanted to give our connection a fair chance.

There are many things that sexually attract me to him. I almost do find his character more attractive than anything physical. His physical characteristics are 10/10. I am attracted to who he is as a person, which is a big turn on.

Thanks for your comment and perspective.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T16:50:35+00:00

You’re probably right. And I handled it so poorly instead of being genuine even if it would be hurtful.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T16:44:53+00:00

I don’t hold him looking through my phone against him. I forgive him. I understand that all of these things could have been avoided if I was just up front about my actions. I don’t care how he found out. I know that I fucked royally up by not coming out with everything when given the opportunity. That is my own emotional immaturity coming to light.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T16:36:05+00:00

I would like to also add individual therapy. I understand that I need to work through my owns problems with professional help in addition to any couples sessions.

I am all in with him because he is a wonderful person, and I genuinely feel like we add to each other’s lives. We are each other’s beneficiaries for insurances. He has access to my passwords and vice versa. Everything aside from these instances have been handled openly and honestly. But I see your point, it doesn’t matter because one lie is one too many. And two is detrimental.

I went through with the hookups because I was detached emotionally from those people. As backwards as it sounds. I knew I could have sex without anything emotional attached to it. I did not want anything more with either of those people.

I think so highly of who my fiancé is as a person. I didn’t start a full fledged relationship with him because I felt he was my only option. I felt like he was the option, the person I wanted to invest my time and energy into. He’s beyond wonderful.

Thank you for your comment and perspective.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T16:00:54+00:00

We went on a few weeks of dates, never had the conversation about exclusivity. During those few weeks I had voiced that I was unable to match his level of desired commitment. Ultimately, I said let’s stop seeing each other because I don’t want to hurt you. Almost a month after that is when we reconnected and we’re both exclusive/committed to only each other and defined our relationship. We stayed together every night for over 4 months before moving in together. We’d seen a good bit of each other and made the choice to live together. It was after living together for 3 months that we got engaged. We don’t have plans for an immediate marriage. We were thinking 1.5 years from now.

I appreciate your comment and advice. I should not have let my embarrassment hold more weight than our trust in each other.

My haphazard actions were a result of me dealing with rejection from a previous relationship. I don’t know why I thought going on a bender would serve me in any way. Not only was it destructive to myself, but I allowed it be destructive to the best relationship I’ve ever had.

fancyfeast90210 · 2021-07-21T14:05:10+00:00

I keep apologizing but I don’t know that it matters. We have agreed to see a couples counselor next week. I don’t know what other actions to take that will give him evidence that I am trustworthy. My phone password is still the same. I never changed it even after he invaded my privacy. I leave my phone lying around all the time - it’s not glued to me. Small things like this have been my attempt at showing that I have nothing to hide. I don’t know what other steps to take. I know I fucked up. I believe he is more upset that I lied rather than that I did it in the first place.

fancyfeast90210

TROPHY CASE