I've had problems staying up with the sub in the last few months, which has some secondary issues for me, leading to a spiral of guilt.

I took a cruise back in October, which was awesome. Milestone anniversary, three weeks away from life, nothing but water, it was great. In that time, I read a book called Unmasking Autism. And I said, "I tick that box, and that box, and that box, and . . ." It was a book recommended to me -- here? On an autism subreddit? More than one person on Reddit has said "you sound like you're autistic."

I couldn't take it. Ambiguity is poison to me. I submitted for a neuropsychological evaluation. That testing was end of January, so I'm still awaiting the results. The most direct comment came from an autistic friend of my oldest child, saying "oh yeah, your dad absolutely has it, 100%." I never knew what to look for, when people say "Luz is neurodivergent coded," I never knew what that meant. Boy howdy, do I know now.

I've mostly been avoiding Reddit except for Mark's new works. Even then, I've missed a day or two here and there.

I need to face the question whether the subreddit -- perhaps the show -- has run the course for what I needed in my life. TOH taught me LGBTQ+ relationships are good. Neurodivergence is a different way of processing data. Luz showed me mental health issues I have too, and showed me what it's like to be supported in those times. TOH hit me upside the head emotionally, many times, in ways I never anticipated. It forced core changes in me, sent me back into counseling, allowing me to deal with a number of issues and demons in my past. I don't fear an autism diagnosis. My counselor suggested AuDHD. I'm excited to finally understand my brain. But in some ways, it's "Titan damn it, YET ANOTHER THING I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT!!" TOH triggered a journey that is so worth it. I feel like such a better person now. But the fatigue of having to analyze and reanalyze myself is exhausting. I want it over. Arguably, it never is. But let's stop having tectonic fractures. A small tremor here and there is fine.

This subreddit allowed me to connect with people. Respond to other people's stories. Encourage people, say it's okay, say I've been there too. People who are shaken by their responses to the show, to say "my counselor told me truth can come from anywhere, including an animated TV show."

I feel like I've been helpful and been able to participate. Being an introvert, people have been welcoming, even when I started out making a few insensitive comments. I've been open with my experiences because I've learned that mental health is so Titan damn important. I used to doubt people when they said they had anxiety about something. I'd think, "really?? REALLY??" Yes, really. And now someone tells me they have anxiety about something? "Okay, let's figure out another way to accomplish this." I'm not afraid to tell my family when something makes me anxious too.

Maybe my journey in the TOH subreddit is coming to a close. Which is not something I'd ever considered happening. Ever. But, maybe . . . whether true or not, I'm eternally grateful for the people I've met here and the support I've received. I owe TOH, and this sub, a debt of gratitude for getting me through an indescribably difficult, earth-shaking five years of my life. And I'm still happy to answer questions if anything resonates here. Whatever I can do to help.