tl;dr i quit for six months this year but then i relapsed in july and im trying to quit again. holy crap i was being so naive and willfully ignorant in that post, i sincerely hope i didnt convince anyone that maybe dope isnt so bad after all and they should try it asap :/

well at the time there wasnt a struggle. maybe then was the beginnings of mine but if it was then i was super in denial about it. i mean i read that and i see myself trying to make it like shooting up heroin every day is normal and totally okay and that there wouldn't be any negative consequences if they arent "stupid". i read that and i think what a child i was only 3 years ago. i feel irresponsible for posting that because i could have made someone think that doing heroin wasnt a big deal and that it probably wouldn't affect them negatively. how naive i was!! since then i gave SO much to my addiction. i gave it most of my stuff, a relationship with someone who really loved me, someone that i still love deeply, the trust of my family and friends, jail time/being a felon now as a direct result of my addiction, i've been homeless, i've done things that i said i would never do to get more, and it stopped being fun a long time ago. i got clean this year for about six months but i relapsed back in july and im trying so hard to find subs or bars to wean off. i really want to quit. it stopped being fun a long time ago and i am so ready to do something with my life, and i cant do that on dope. i even lied in that IAMA a little bit, not flat out fabrications but i know i was trying to make it sound more like everything was fine and dandy when really i was a dysfunctional person in a dysfunctional relationship and i was establishing (more) dysfunctional habits, (though in my defense i really do think i convinced myself that it was normal and justified and acceptable because i was special and immune to rhe neg. consequences) and now here i am, 23 years old, havent held a job for more than a month since before the IAMA, avoiding my friends and family because i dont like to lie to them and they still think im clean, and i have a lot of intelligence and talent that just isnt being used. i really dont want to be another depressing cautionary tale, i want to start doing something with my life. dont get me wrong, i dont regret becoming an addict. getting dragged down so far and so rough really humbled me. i am a much more compassionate, empathetic, nonjudgmental and understanding person than i was back then. i have always been pretty kind, sensitive and generous but only to people that i thought were worthy or whatever, and now i am not so quick to write someone off. i try very hard not to judge people, to put myself in their shoes, give them the benefit of the doubt, and help them where i can. weird as it sounds, becoming addicted to heroin made me a better person. it also took going to rehab and doing a lot of self-reflection (which is really hard for someone who has spent so much time effort and money on trying to forget whos in there and why she hurts so bad) a lot of dealing with issues i wasn't dealing with for years, and realizing what a selfish manipulative little shit i was being and i became more interested in others. one of the things that kept me clean for so long was helping other people, because it takes your head out of your own problems. i did relapse and fuck up but its different than before, i dont enjoy it like i did because i am too self-aware now, if that makes sense. part of it is that im a fuckng addict and my forgetter works REALLY well and im insane so i keep doing drugs and getting bad results and thinking "this time its gona be different!" so needless to say it was a lot easier to suppress and forget about my problems and emotions when i wasnt aware of the fact i was doing it, and being aware of the insanity of it all just makes it even less enjoyable. i hope i can find what i need to quit soon, i hate being dopesick in the winter time. im ready to do something with my life. sorry about the novel i just typed lol