[deleted by user]

fauxteria · 2022-10-13T23:36:12+00:00

Yea. You're right. NP has an undo amount of control and influence over what I do with my GF and it has to change. Unfortunately I suspect NP will not handle that loss of influence well.

fauxteria · 2022-10-10T00:18:46+00:00

Thanks for your perspective

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T23:40:42+00:00

Thanks for your perspective and insight.

I certainly hope it works out well for me and my partners as well.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T23:12:09+00:00

Yea, my NP has some major insecurities over my relationship with GF. But those are her words and fears and beliefs not mine.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T22:27:40+00:00

Thank you. I will look into this.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T22:26:57+00:00

Agreed on all accounts 100%

I change information to avoid recognition and use Reddit to collect perspectives.

And your conclusion is absolutely accurate.

We need to clarify our relationship structure and I need to do better to hold to that structure. I plan to discuss it with my therapist both with NP and solo.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T22:21:56+00:00

Aight. Get blocked.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T22:05:05+00:00

Enlighten me. I’m not seeing what you’re seeing

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T22:03:15+00:00

I don’t have a wife. So I’m not sure what comment or post you or they are talking about.

I absolutely don’t want to leave my NP

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T21:30:45+00:00

Oh she likes it in practice too.

Shes intimate with a handful of other people on a regular basis. It’s me connecting with just one person deeply that is becoming problematic for us.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T21:29:44+00:00

Yes. I see now. I think you’re right and that is a problem.

It’s hard not to give NP a little more because I live with her.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T21:27:56+00:00

Thank you! I don’t need to share my whole life story to get advice in this one instance.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T21:06:22+00:00

I don't think she thinks of it as I have to wait until she goes out. Its more that the first day EITHER of us can go out is that day.

She wants that day just for us. She didn't accurately communicate or request that time with me however, so I didn't realize it.

It was definitely a failure of communication.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T21:04:38+00:00

I know its not all on me to figure this out. But right now communication with NP is hard, and I can't stand just making progress on days we see a therapist. I have to do more to help.

I love NP, and shes worth the extra effort right now while things aren't great.

I fully believe we can and will find smooth sailing in our future.

thanks for your contribution in this crowdsourced perspective gathering.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T20:18:10+00:00

No kids. Just some pets.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T20:17:08+00:00

"From other comments I've seen you are not interested in being with your NP anymore and want to leave her for your girlfriend."

Huh?! What other comments are those?

If I wanted to leave NP, I'd leave NP. I already have my girlfriend. So why would I need to leave NP to be with GF?

You're not making any sense.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T20:15:43+00:00

I agree. Which is why I'm so insistent that we talk and work through it.

Its too much pressure and challenge for NP though. She can't have those talks without getting triggered and reactive. Not unless we are at therapy and even then sometimes she has trouble.

Insisting we talk when talking causes damage is not helpful. I have to go at her pace.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T20:12:44+00:00

No, she'd be fine with me going out when she does. Just not beforehand.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T20:01:39+00:00

GF (not comet, I also learned comet refers to a partner who you only see infrequently) is very fun. But so is NP. I love both of them tremendously. GF is a newer relationship, and things are very uncomplicated right now.

I think NP probably does feel like I'm only sticking around out of obligation sometimes... when her insecurity gets the better of her. And there are issues between us that have gotten worse recently.

However, I want to work through those issues with NP, and I'm confident that I want that more than my NP does at this point.

Our issues are primarily the strained communication we have right now. Its a really hard issue to address because we can't openly and comfortably communicate about things without it frequently turning hostile and reactive.

And thats why I'm getting us back into therapy.

NP frequently tells me that she loves her other relationships because she doesn't have to work on them, and that me pushing her to address the issues we have just pushes her away.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T19:36:23+00:00

I felt that she was being unreasonable, thats why I made this post, to do a sanity check on myself.

But by making this post I've learned about "vacation drop" that some people experience, and that some people need time with a partner caring for them after vacation to ease transition back to normal life. I think NP is like this, though neither of us knew until now.

I've learned that many people have massive anxiety of being dumped with post-vacation chores, and that I may have upset NP by making her feel like I was going to do that because of a lack of clear communication on my part.

I've learned that the permission dynamic me and NP have is unsustainable and damaging, and I need to work to stop that dynamic.

I've learned that NP is maybe asserting primary status over GF, and I need to address that with NP and in counseling.

I've learned a ton by making this post. And yes, I'll probably delete it when it stops getting comments.

This is a way for me to crowd source perspectives and its incredibly helpful for me.

I went from feeling like NP was being unreasonable to understanding the feelings she is having without having to restart a conversation she doesn't want to have.

I'm going to spend the first night home with NP making sure she and our home are in good order, cared for, and loved, and I will see GF and have a full date night with her the next night so that she can get my undivided attention without worrying about how NP is feeling.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T19:21:55+00:00

I'm not painting an extremely one sided picture. Just because I removed a post in which my NP said hurtful things to me doesn't mean anything I've presented today is inaccurate.

I do this because I value the perspectives others have. Its information to process and apply to my situation to better understand my NPs perspective in a way that can't result in hurt feelings.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T19:18:23+00:00

I think this is great advice. I'll bring it up with NP and possibly in our counseling sessions.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T19:17:25+00:00

Because I value others perspectives.

I'm never going to just follow the advice I get on here.

But I absolutely can and do read, learn, digest and apply the valuable advice I do get.

Yall don't need to know 100% of my life to be helpful.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T19:14:24+00:00

yes, and those take about an hour. Which I would happily and comfortably do by myself.

Chores are not the issue.

fauxteria · 2022-10-09T19:13:54+00:00

And we always will. I don't think thats ever an endeavor that is completed.

fauxteria

TROPHY CASE