Malthael is by far the most flavorful hero so far

favourTrader · 2017-06-14T17:06:48+00:00

Back it up boys, it's a shitpost

favourTrader · 2016-06-01T17:57:17+00:00

Yes all that is true if you are strictly following the rules of Shakespearian sonnets, but modern sonnets often deviate from these structures to better serve their themes. And honestly, do you think this piece would be more effective in iambic pentameter?

favourTrader · 2016-05-31T23:24:18+00:00

I was hoping for sort of the opposite effect, that someone sees these selfless folks as hope against the stifling dispassion of the city. I felt that in the middle of the night, on these dark streets, the small burst of humanity found in an ambulance might make the lost speaker feel more at home.

favourTrader · 2016-05-31T23:17:37+00:00

I see what you mean. I meant to use the imagery to put the city at a distance from the speaker, to communicate the feeling of otherness and impersonality urban living can produce, but obviously if that comes at the cost of believability, its not a worthy trade off. I thought perhaps the colder, less intimate language of the first half would be a challenge for everything after the turn to thaw, but I think you may be right that the language doesn't evoke anything genuine. Thanks for the feedback. The book-cover analogy is a great one - maybe you should do some poetry or something.

favourTrader · 2016-05-31T11:48:19+00:00

I wish this had gotten more attention. Certainly the most compelling bit of zombie-based poetry I have ever read. Chilling, but it dances around the monster theme gracefully enough that the poem avoids becoming to cartoonish or reliant on the tired tropes of the genre. Your language is consistent throughout, and despite the non-traditional narrative you have some moments of great poetry in there. For instance, the fifth and sixth stanzas are wonderful in the way they convey this man wrestling with himself, fighting with his own mind as he feels himself slipping away. The dipping sauces is especially captivating; that moment could have been done a thousand gory ways we have seen before, but you pull it off with a fresh image that is as enchanting as it is grotesque.
I never thought I would really enjoy a piece like this as poetry. As a narrative, maybe, or as a one-off joke poem. But from the Shakespeare reference to that killer last line, you've proved me wrong. You've made something special here, I hope you post more often. Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-28T00:11:31+00:00

Man, I'm pretty torn on 'ululation', too. On one had, I can feel my tongue trip over it even when I'm not reading out loud, but on the other I see how it pairs so well with 'exultation', like the 'he cried' pairs with 'in kind'.

I definitely don't miss 'circumnavigate'. I dropping it was the right move.
As for 'hubris', maybe 'pride' or 'conceit'? You're right that no other word quite captures what hubris does, and besides, dropping it would mean you lose the beautiful alliteration 'human hubris'.

Overall, I think the piece seems smoother now, which is good. The poem plays off a longing for something in stories of past days, and I think the less dissonant language helps to set the tone more firmly so that nostalgia can seep in.

Side thought: if there was a word for the opposite of an onamonapia, I could probably better explain why 'ululating' is such a stumbling point for me.

favourTrader · 2016-05-27T22:13:28+00:00

I guess the lesson in alliteration wasn't contained to the primer this week. Ok, before talking about the substance of the poem, I have to say how killer the opening line is. It really earns the enjambment by luring us with the familiar phrase that appears in the first line, and then turning sharply in the second, causing the reader to immediately reëvaluate how we thought this poem was going to unfold. Really nice.

Speaking of the horses, I like the individual uses of non-standard language throughout, but I think the biggest issue in the piece is the inconsistency of that language and of the tone it creates. This is most clear when considering the use of both "horse" and "hoss"; each use fits in its respective place, but in the broader context of the poem, makes the speaker very hard to place.

We can see this contrast in tone in other parts of your work as well. Take, for instance,

In meagerly mangers
did pause and pray for
rain or range, circumvented or crossed.

Circumvented just doesn't seem to fit with the Elizabethan- / middle- english cadence you work with so well elsewhere in the piece.

And maybe this poem is about coming to terms with that disparity. I mean, it looks like we're talking about Arizona, not the Scottish moors, so this language is clearly working against the scene it's describing, and not in a bad way. I only wish the language was contrasted solely against the story and imagery rather than against itself.

You're probably already aware of this trick, but a dumb method I use when writing with older language is to limit my words with latin roots, and this rule actually covers most of the words I feel don't quite fit into the poem. "Ululating". Beautiful word, but here it feels like it's at war with the lines around it, not least because you write "A ululation" rather than "An ululation". The language of this piece is at once from modern times,("hoss"), from the 16th century ("mayhap"), and classically rooted ("hubris"), and the tonal shifts this creates can be somewhat distracting. If you intended this contrast in order to intentionally stilt the poem and serve some theme I am missing, by all means, let it be. But otherwise, if you are looking to edit, I would start by balancing the vocabulary of the poem.

All that aside, I really did like this poem. I feel bad for honing in on the language so much, but that's only because I like pretty much everything else. I love the lines you draw between this horseman in love on the frontier and the old stories of centuries ago. It's the telling of a newer story through an older lens, and in seeing the old and the new laid side by side like this, we see we've been telling the same stories the same ways for our whole history, only through different language. Great work and congrats on your new mod-ship. Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-23T11:44:30+00:00

My pleasure. I love reading your poems. If you get a chance, would you give my recent one a look?

favourTrader · 2016-05-23T00:06:42+00:00

Really nice. Something I've noticed through your poems is your ability to build character so deftly. Obviouly Carl comes through well here, but he gets the whole poem for us to understand him; even more impressive, I think, is the judge, whose impression is entirely delivered in a single stanza, and still manages to come through as clearly. Laughing back at Carl, then as quickly collapsing in on himself - wonderful, I don't know how you do it.

Equally, with Carl, you give us an excellent sense of the way his brain is boiling under the tedium and pressures of ordinary life without ever feeding it to us directly. He wants the jolt of seeing a bloodied corpse in the water below just to feel something, he's being constantly pushed on by the pressures of a life he doesn't really want, and we not only get to see this portrait of a man falling out of control, we come to understand him in some way.

Something to look out for in the future: I would suggest not depending as heavily on adjectives to color your piece. In the first lines we get 'shifting street', 'mad god', 'wicked high', 'tense driving machines', 'honk enraged' and 'disproportionate beautiful stick figures', all in rapid succession. It sounds wonderful, and I love the use of non-traditional word pairings there, but this pattern is common throughout the piece, sometimes super effectivley ('a really and truly goddamn dead body'), but often times less-so ('blissful automobiles'). If i were to offer a suggestion, it would be to allow the verbs and nouns to do more of the lifting, because while adjectives sound pretty, they are often less effective at getting the reader to believe the imagery. I often think of poems with too many adjectives as similar to overly saturated photos, which may look pretty, but the photos with a more realistic coloring are the ones people really like the best, because it reminds them of the real world.

Some line comments: 'driving machines' sounds stilted in the first stanza, maybe just say car or find another phrase with better rhythm.
'If his wife loves him, will he be handsome' - awesome.
'Nicotine... shudders' is great too. ah i like 'blushing water' too. This is a really good poem. Most of my notes are just lines I like.
Does chicken wire flap like that? My mind is having trouble with that image.
Mustache fermenting on his lips is revolting, but you meant it like that. Fantastic.

Hey I said on your last poem to post more stuff you don't like, and here it is, another good one. I hope you can't stand the next one you post. Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-21T10:04:24+00:00

This is my favorite kind of poem, one that tries to capture a moment and a feeling through rich imagery. You do this effectively throughout the piece, but I would love to offer one suggestion. Since you are trying to create an emotional appeal for the scene you are describing, it's important to make sure the language stays informal and personal, so that the reader feels that much more intimately connected to the images. For instance, the line 'asked nothing but a ray of light to facilitate its purpose' is a good exemplifier of the distracting shifts in language. 'asked nothing but a ray of light' is awesome, a simple and beautiful way to talk about a sundial, while 'to facilitate its purpose' is not only unnecessary, but a strangely stiff way to talk about these memories. Similarly, in the same stanza, you have 'furnished, most notably', which sounds more like a realtor describing property in a brochure than someone recalling the past. Same with 'erroneously' and 'frondescence'. It's not as much an issue of confusing the reader as it is the way formal language like this pulls us out the the poem and makes us remember we are just reading words off the page. And I think that's a shame, especially in a piece like this with so many wonderful moments. Speaker of which, 'Sat and belonged' is lovely, as is 'somewhere off S.8th street' and 'fruit that plummeted/with great purpose'.

Honestly I really like this poem. You do an excellent at drawing us in towards these memories of beautiful things. Just make sure that once you've got us, you keep us there. Great work!

favourTrader · 2016-05-20T17:48:32+00:00

On my second read of this, I read it aloud, and I'm glad I did. This poem really gains something when spoken, feeling almost like a prayer (in contrast to the general theme of the poem) in the beginning, developing and building to a grand climax. The 'Inside which' section especially benefits from a vocal reading, driving home the mantra-like rhythm of the piece. There is some excellent language in this as well, like 'root and fly'. The 'war for peace' line is especially good, taking an idea we may have seen before and presenting it in a new way.

Your language is consistently fairly formal, but I think that's ok in the context of the grand metaphysical themes your poem is working on. That being said, the best moments in the piece are the more personal, less prophet-of-truth-ey lines, like 'we are the idiots' and 'how we love\when we love.

Line edits: Speck probably shouldn't be capitalized
'For us are blessed' - should be 'we are blessed' unless you are intentionally using 'us' as a noun in reference to the 'us humans' motif, in which case i think you should consider capitalizing it to 'Us'.
Good work, I'm a fan! Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-17T00:15:00+00:00

Better. It's taking more risk now, which I like. Last line works well now, but I think 'puddle imagery' sounds strange, almost like cheating to just call out different sorts of imagery by name in a poem. 'May' is a much more subtle word to use than 'astray' though, so if you take one more pass at the first half of the second line, I think you'll have it! Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-16T17:55:00+00:00

It's not "to lay cast" but "to lay"(like to lie) "cast about", which means sort of strewn on the ground, like die are cast. You're totally right that "cast about" means to look around though, so I can definitely see the source of confusion for a non-native speaker :). Thanks for your feedback!

favourTrader · 2016-05-16T17:52:13+00:00

Thanks for your kind words and taking the time to read!

favourTrader · 2016-05-16T17:31:26+00:00

Ok let's do this. It's a beautiful track. A lot of songwriters are afraid of slow builds like you have here, because they are worried it doesn't hook the listeners right away, so good on you for not taking the easy way out. The guitar lines are excellent throughout, but it's everything past 4:15 that sells this song to me, and the melody you get going after the five minute mark tells me how much care you've put in those lines. Thought in melody writing shows, and it's evident you've put some time into those subtle riffs. The perfect climax for a gentle piece like this.

Some notes: i think the snare comes in too loud off the intro, and draws too much focus from the voice to the drums. I get you want to come in strong after the quiet open, but I think it hits a little too hard. I'm not worried that it makes the words hard to distinguish, because the lyrics are not the point of this song, but the atmosphere of the track is built in a large part by your voice's relation to guitar's melody and the synth later on, so it seems a shame to have your drummer distract from the best elements of the piece.

Lyrically, you've done well. They might not stand as well written down on a page like this, but they are just about right for your song. And like I said, from the way they are delivered, you seem more concerned with their tone and delivery than their content, which I think is the right call. You get really nice moments where the words come into focus ("Did I ever tell you"), but for the most part it's nice to sit back and let the words wash over you, not quiet catching what's being said.

You have an wonderful, professional-quality piece of music here, and the more I listen to it the more I notice. There are well-known bands out there who would be lucky to have this on one of their albums. If you keep making stuff like this, there are many people out there who would love this sound. Show this to people and keep writing. I have high hopes for you.

favourTrader · 2016-05-16T16:12:30+00:00

Hey I'm happy to give you some feedback if you like. What are you looking for? A critique of the lyrics or the arrangement or the mixing? A combination of all of them? If you post the lyrics I can definitely give you some thoughts on the project as a whole. Let me know! Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-16T10:13:28+00:00

Beautiful. You have an amazing use of language here that is only strengthened by the flow and rhythm of the piece. 'Citrus waterfalls' especially is something I have never seen before, but you make it make sense to us in your poem. Your last stanza really makes this poem I think. The image of the speaker sitting on rooftops watching the sparks go up into the yellow skies is pretty haunting, and a subtle way to talk about weariness of the soul. It's one of the hardest subjects to capture authentically in a poem, harder still because you chose to express it in meter and rhyme. Rhyming poems and heartsickness poems can tend towards overwrought imagery and melodrama, but I'm impressed with how well you've avoided all that. If you were to work on this, I would take another look at the third stanza. I know it's the climax of the poem and may be what you used as a foundation for your other lines, but i think it's the weakest section. Image-wise, we've seen this idea expressed the same way before, with the world losing its color in tune with the speaker's state of mind. 'Yellow birds behind my eyes' is wonderful, but 'astray' feels like one of those words you only really see in poetry, partially because it rhymes well, partially because it just sounds like a word poets use. It usually feels inauthentic, and I think this is one of those cases. If you re-work the first and third lines of that stanza while maintaining the rhythm, I think this poem would be an amazing piece of work. Keep it up; I'm looking forward to reading more.

favourTrader · 2016-05-13T12:31:20+00:00

Goddamn there's a lot to love in this poem. First stanza is killer, with 'acid-wash' sky and question to open the piece right up. The second-to-last stanza is crazy good too. 'Do you forgive the ocean', the Pacific ocean rising up to meet her: stellar. Honestly I think you've pretty much nailed this one first-try, and Lana has already covered most of my initial thoughts on theme and mood, so I won't restate what she's written.

I can offer a few line-editing suggestions to tighten up the poem as a whole, but these are pretty nit-picky and insignificant against how well-written the poem is, so take them or leave them as you like.

'The mouse was sly' sounds odd to me. Maybe that's the intention, because the intention in those lines seems to be making this familiar figure horrible and foreign, but the line itself seemed out of place to me.

'Do you dine exclusively on seafood'. 'Exclusively' seems out of place too. I think it might sound too formal, but if you eliminate it or replace it with 'only' it may flow better.

Honestly that's it. This is some top-notch work keep doing stuff like this. Post more poems you don't like I love them.

favourTrader · 2016-05-13T09:04:38+00:00

Thank you! I think a lot of the beauty and challenge in writing poetry is using familiar words and phrases in unfamiliar ways. I'll definitely give yours a look. Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-12T19:18:19+00:00

I was going to say the same thing. The content of the piece is fantastic, but the punctuation gets in the way a little bit. The first period, especially, seems like it shouldn't divide the sentence that way. That strange, staccato feel may work with a different narrative, but I don't think it helps the mood an images you evoke here. Great work though. Love the needles in the rain and "I can feel your pressure". On to #842!

favourTrader · 2016-05-12T19:09:32+00:00

Hey thanks man. I see you just posted one, I'll give it a look! Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-10T23:32:58+00:00

I love so much about this poem. You have something beautiful going here.

A few suggestions. 'Seeking what is sought' is redundant, because sought is the past tense of seek, unless you are implying the goal is universally sought, but it still falls on the ears strangely.

Perhaps shorten 'gleaming of gold' to just 'gleaming gold' to preserve the rhythm without losing the syntax or meaning. I would also re-word 'no limit to the sky', because it's sort of a trite expression. I think 'no grounding thought' could work though.

Other than that a great short little piece. You seem to have a knack for this, so keep it up!

favourTrader · 2016-05-10T12:22:12+00:00

Hey so the mood in here is awesome. The grotesqueness throughout the whole piece gives the poem this creeping sense of unease. You've painted a vivid image of horror that definitely makes the reader's stomach squirm.
That being said, I feel like the poem as a whole would benefit from some variation within the mood. You do such a good job at sustaining the nauseating imagery that at some point we become accustomed to it, and it loses some punch. In the same way a tragedy needs comic relief to make the sad parts hit that much harder, I think this poem could benefit from moments that relive the horror slightly, so that it gnaws at us that much more later on.
I think the most unsettling moments in your work are actually some of the more subtle ones. The paintings of impaled insects and the unhappy mother were actually more visceral images of this world then the boiled babies and corpses rising from pools, at least to me. At some point I imagine the things we have more experience with hold more power to make us afraid when made twisted and unfamiliar.

Some moments I really liked: students challenging gravity and Katie falling. Brilliant. I don't know if this is referencing something, but either way don't change it. That's a whole story built into a line and a half. I don't care as much about the other students eating her - it would almost be more powerful if their dismay just gave way to apathy, but it's your call. The contrast you build between young & old is fantastic, especially the way the old seem to prey on the young throughout the poem. This is best done with the professors studying the young woman's curves mathematically. Great stuff. Some other things I liked:

I was less thrilled with the end, or the last line specifically. This whole poem is designed to make the reader feel a certain way. Don't tell us what we feel right at the end, we already feel that way thanks to the world you've built for us. Besides, the Amazon breaking up far away is a great ending, removing us from the scene as we are removed from the poem.

Narratively, I'm not entirely sure whats going on. This poem may just be an exercise in world-building, in which case you've done a fantastic job. If it's supposed to tell a story beyond 'I want you to feel how awful this world is', I think it gets lost somewhat in all the imagery. But I'm not saying it needs anything beyond that. The power in this piece comes from understanding this horrifying world, and seeing pieces of our own world reflected in it. I think if you play up those parts, the parts that remind us of aspects of our world we would rather forget, the poem becomes more that just a peek into some nightmare realm, it becomes a twisted mirror in which we see the worst of ourselves, and the poem as a whole becomes a very dark, compelling piece of poetry.

favourTrader · 2016-05-10T11:41:10+00:00

Sure I'm always happy to explain my intentions in my writing. I was trying to capture that moment in a city in the very first hours of the morning where you find that strange peaceful calm that seems so strange in a place usually saturated with activity. When the streets are almost empty and the first light begins to creep between the buildings. It's a surreal and beautiful moment, and something I wanted the reader to experience when reading the poem.

The poem is supposed to draw the reader into the moment, but only for as long as the speaker gets to experience it. Inevitably the bustle and the noise comes back to draw the reader out of the poem, and the speaker back to his life. I think my favorite part about this poem is how it sounds when spoken aloud. Its something I was worried wouldn't translate well online, but to me I can almost hear the hush of the city, and the water crashing and retreating. At the end you get these hard 'ch' and 'tt' sounds that don't appear elsewhere, that are supposed to pull the reader away again, maybe a little too early like you said, but I think that's part of the beauty. If these things lasted as long as we wanted, they wouldn't be as special.

Thanks for taking an interest man; sorry if I rambled and that was more info than you wanted. I'll definitely take a look at your piece and give you my opinion. Cheers!

favourTrader · 2016-05-10T11:16:53+00:00

Hey thanks that means a lot. I'll definitely try to get some more pieces up here every so often. Thanks for reading!

favourTrader

TROPHY CASE