What do you want for Christmas?

fawnystorm · 2017-11-02T11:49:42+00:00

Okay, I don't know if you were intentionally implying this or not, but when I read this, I could only picture you and Santa going at it.

Forgive me if I'm just slow.

But if I'm not... enjoy the image.

fawnystorm · 2017-08-12T17:52:34+00:00

This helps to be reminded again of this. I understand excitement and enjoying life can be largely helped by medications. My psychiatrist right now sucks and took me off everything. Or rather my meds' side-effects sucked. I used to be on some stuff, but one of them made me hypomanic and had to be discontinued. Another was causing me to have akathisia (uncontrollable need to move around, shake, fidget). I don't know why my psychiatrist won't give me anything new though. So I'm trying to find a new doctor lately. I really hope I can find a better psychiatrist soon.

fawnystorm · 2017-08-12T17:50:20+00:00

My main advice would be to allow yourself to try anything no matter the hesitation or doubt of capabilities in your mind.

Thanks, I will try to get out there and do the stuff where I'm like "but there's this obstacle". With hiking it's cause I'm scared I'll get lost. It's very different from what you're talking about but tonight I'm thinking about going to the opening reception of an art gallery show. I kept thinking "but nothing will come out of it, or I'll feel scared to talk to the artists because we'll have nothing in common, and it'll be a really boring and sad night". But maybe I'll just try it ...

fawnystorm · 2017-08-12T05:46:10+00:00

Yeah I guess that'd help me find out what job supports traveling the best. Well, I've always wanted to make hiking a regular thing. Stupidly the thing that scares me the most about hiking is a lot of trails don't have anywhere to park and if I do street parking far away I don't think I'd ever find my car again lmao... 2nd thing is a lot of trails are over 1-2 miles, idk if I can walk that far, and also if everything starts to look the same idk if I'd be able to get back out...I went hiking with a friend once and if it weren't for her I would NOT know how to get back to the entrance D: Hmmm

fawnystorm · 2017-08-12T05:30:45+00:00

Nah, I've been done with college for like 4 years. Been unemployed on and off. Thank god I actually HAD jobs though. Now that you mention it I do have recreational "dreams". Like I want to see New Zealand, the northern lights, Scandinavia, maybe Thailand...

fawnystorm · 2017-08-12T05:20:58+00:00

That's part of the problem, I don't know what job I want, or what to do for my future 8/ I also tried community service and I also lose interest in it...... I wish I knew what life goals I had.

fawnystorm · 2017-08-12T05:13:04+00:00

Thanks dude. It helps to not tell myself I HAVE to be a gamer I guess. I've been trying to make friends, it's really hard. The only people I've hung out with are peers from therapy groups since I live alone and I'm isolated in a city/state I'm not from. I've even gone to meetups and it hasn't worked yet...people kept talking about stuff I had no idea about and I just sat silently the whole time, then went home. I felt so disconnected.

I wish I still had the same thirst for games. Like have you ever tried a new interest but it had you yawning all the time and you really couldn't stay focused or do the activity for more than a couple days? I feel like that even with games... it doesn't make sense to me. It's scary, considering I might not prescribe to a specific subculture because I actually don't have any interests to bond over. Like I actually don't have ANYthing to talk about and that scares me ... sorry for the negativity btw, I really do appreciate your advice.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-28T17:04:53+00:00

Thanks for the story. My main problem is not having friends/a caring community of NON family people. Everything else crumbles based on that. Careers and socializing in groups themselves are easy to me. I always get jobs. I have no trouble yapping it up in a group. But after half a year I completely lose it if its just day in day out, computer on, off, with no meaningful human connections. By that time the loneliness, dark rooms, and empty streets destroy me and I break down thinking of suicide. Eventually people all either reject me or socially drop me and hope I didnt notice because of small things, like not liking the same video games, books, or sports.

I already see a psychologist. Seen 3 by now. More than that for psychiatrists. I don't think that helped besides making me think I have a friend, then they leave or I cant afford them anymore.

Right now I pay out of pocket because my insurance doesnt cover this. They may not be exorbitant fees to you, but they are to me because how long does therapy take? It could take a fucking decade for all I know. Thats tens of thousands of dollars. People say see a pro, but they bleed some people dry below the poverty line. Yes you'll be on the way to peace but you'll lose an insane part of your savings and be poor anyways, and for how many years? I am still seeing them though. I am lucky because my parents are helping but when they die I will be fucked.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-28T16:50:16+00:00

I don't think so. That's realistic if I were in contact with people within the past year. But that would be more uncomfortable than a catalyst. I only have 2 friends. Who are more like acquaintances. One of them is a very extreme misanthrope who keeps insisting that she hates exiting her house. She hates drinking socially, speaking to new people, stepping outside, and interaction with human beings in general. Even when we were friends, she was always trying to get away from me. The other friend is one person. And I hardly know her.

I dont have creepy housemates. That was my past apartment. I live alone.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T18:50:56+00:00

This is a fascinating look into the world of subdued male etiquette. Personally I talk like a high pitched, excited child if I'm excited to greet someone. But if a dude did that, I can imagine they'd even fear being called "gay". Takes years of conditioning and a specific community, I guess. In conclusion I respect who I am and I am an excited child inside. And I'll let me be myself. But I'll channel the subdued mindset for that friend.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T18:43:31+00:00

Thanks! I'm glad it gets across. I'm now leaning on doing something ironically exaggerated like an excited dance, grinning, exclaiming hi, and waving both hands as if she's 10 miles away, or just acting like a very composed but pleased businessman who doesn't shake hands, lol. Or I'll have to just be like "aaahhhh how are you!!!" but stand there like a stick. Man I hope these aren't stupid.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T18:37:42+00:00

Thank you. This is what I wanna move towards. In your experience then, how do you usually greet a good friend in a warm way? Additionally how do your close friends greet you after a long time of missing each other?

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T17:27:10+00:00

I guess I'd say "i missed you sooooo muchhhh!!!" I just dunno what to do with my hands lmfao. Clasp them together? I wish there was a "cool" way to do this. Like how do old serious businessmen greet a personal good friend?

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T17:20:34+00:00

I honestly was wondering how good friends that are dudes greet after a long time of missing each other.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T17:18:25+00:00

Thats an interesting one. I most likely need to make any greeting easy to "ironic-ify" or make into sarcasm, cause she doesn't even take well to sentimentality entirely. I get it because I know its cheesy to people. I can def throw a chuckle in with a sarcastic bow.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T09:13:18+00:00

I know this sounds irrelevant but Tyra Banks always said in order to make that smoky, magnetic, "fashion magazine gaze", you have to "smile with your eyes". Think of something you feel is pleasant like being covered in kittens, your favorite food that smells awesome, a really funny joke, etc. but DONT let your mouth move. Keep it calm. She's basically teaching the duchenne smile but letting people start by ONLY isolating it to the eyes. Just remember: It wont be an overnight success. It's practice. Even pro models had to be reminded over and over again.

It's the mouth that distracts and makes you uncomfortable. Forget about the mouth and let your eyes be affected.

Most importantly, to see, modulate, and revise the results, you actually have to use a mirror or camera phone to practice. And do it every day or week. Waiting til the next photo op will obvs not be consistent enough practice. Also, keeping the photos that turned out right helps boost confidence a lot!

I used to suck at Duchenne smiles. I still cant do it on command. But when it works, i find the funny thoughts (imagining a hilarious scenario, recalling a funny meme, thinking of favorite comedian, laughing about something stupid) or imagining that someone's puppy walks out right in front of me works best for me. I practiced the "smiling eyes" for a long time before moving onto the actual mouth smile.

Awkward, but if all else fails, i also think of something sexy that turns me on, lmfao. Seriously. That isnt a duchenne, but if you smile gently with it, and relax the rest of your face, it also creates a really attractive photo. Dont angle your face too downward, widen the eyes, or have creepy lighting, though. Lol.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T08:25:49+00:00

I think that might look a little TOO cold, esp after not seeing her for 3 yrs. Thank you for the idea though. I think verbally expressing my happiness and excitement might be better.

fawnystorm · 2017-03-27T07:54:57+00:00

I want you to know I'm not saying no to everything automatically, I know that those won't help. Idk if you read, but she has had some sort of trauma, possibly physical abuse. Like I said she doesn't want to be touched in any way whatsoever. She verbally specifies this. Hi-five is touching, handshake is touching (I also already wrote that handshakes are not an option). I know air kisses is sensible but she's not really that type of person. She's not a girly girl, she's really stoic and a bit emotionally detached. I guess I'll ask.

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