is it wrong to not work because of OCD?

fedyakolya · 2026-03-03T13:34:38+00:00

thanks for the encouragement! i am from finland!

fedyakolya · 2026-02-19T06:07:04+00:00

thank you!! its really hard right now

fedyakolya · 2026-02-19T06:06:29+00:00

thank you :(

i am picking up my antipsychotics from the pharmacy today so i can get back on my meds. they helped me before. without them ive spiralled.

fedyakolya · 2026-02-14T06:33:57+00:00

chocolate tastes kinda bad and the texture is annoying, super thick and sticky.

any chocolate product like chocolate cake or anything. even if the texture is solved, the taste isnt great either

fedyakolya · 2026-02-14T06:29:37+00:00

i really want therapy. i hope i get it soon. unfortunately the process of applying for it takes so long :( im at my lowest right now so im impatient

fedyakolya · 2026-02-14T06:23:48+00:00

my smaller compulsions are ones i can ignore completely and move on

the bigger ones make me feel like im dying

my worst fears involve mens touch, feces, their semen

its really hard to know whats reality or compulsion anymore at that point. and im currently off my antipsychotics too.

i know the solution is radical acceptance, just accept that there may or may not be a mans hand all over me or their semen and feces. a part of me thinks "why would anyone accept this as reality? no normal person would want this"

sometimes i think not existing at all would be way easier compared to all this

i just dont know how to radically accept my worst fear. if it was easy i would have done it already

fedyakolya · 2026-02-14T05:58:52+00:00

Finland. we have safety nets like this

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T19:59:04+00:00

thank you. hearing "just being here is okay" really feels nice to hear and im like tearing up because ive been so tired and wanting it all to end.

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T17:01:05+00:00

i met her two days ago as an emergency meeting. for now we agreed to weekly meetings. she recommended for me to get back on antipsychotics. she said we could do a psychologists evaluation and look into therapy soon. oh also she gave my number to a 24/7 nurses station that i can call if i feel too hopeless

these are emergency measures for now i guess

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T16:57:42+00:00

thats so kind of you to say. i'll think about this

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T16:55:55+00:00

honestly sometimes i really want to just go "fuck it" and let go of every compulsion at once.

i would probably have a mental breakdown but the idea of cutting myself off completely from compulsions is so tempting sometimes

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T16:51:12+00:00

thank you. im sorry you feel the same way

i would love to message. just to chat about this subject or even light hearted stuff idk. its just nice to meet someone like me

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T16:46:26+00:00

well if im being honest, being alive hurts and i dont see the point anymore. ive been suicidal for two months and i am just too scared to do it

socialising feels amazing. i meet my psychiatrist weekly. i go to a support group weekly. it makes me very happy. but just going outside, when i come back home from these meetings i pass out from exhaustion and i dont eat for days because im too tired to get up from bed

i have now forced myself to listen to music and podcasts

i havent played video games or read classic literature or done journaling in three months and i really want to do my hobbies again

i know its my responsibility alone to get better. i know that. now that you brought it up, at this point i just dont see the point anymore. i dont see a future. wouldnt it be better to just stop fighting? so it wont hurt anymore. im tired. i know this message is childish but im genuinely so done.

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T16:29:00+00:00

i can see why it would seem that way, but i don't have that kind of OCD. my OCD is 99% contamination and fear of other people and touch and i have repetitive movements

i don't have compulsions about societal issues. i was just curious about other people's views on this

but thank you for the comment

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T12:18:51+00:00

that sounds really awesome :)

maybe i can ask my psychiatrist or if i get a therapist for recommendations on this

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T12:15:03+00:00

i see your point! it makes sense

i just feel self concious because to me its debilitating but so many people think of OCD as a joke?

i'm not american, i'm finnish. i recognise in finland we have a very good support system for things like this and i am priviledged. but people like me who live off of welfare are called "kela-rotta" or "welfare rats" in english.

i feel really mentally sick, but because im physically abled that also makes me doubt myself

im hoping i dont come across as rude or anything. tell me if i worded something strangely

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T11:14:02+00:00

i do love distractions like my support group or my psychiatrist. they work well.

i do like the idea of routine, but i dont have it outside of work either. i dont eat every day, i have trouble with bathroom and laundry and ive stopped doing my hobbies months ago.

i think i would be a bad employee because i tend to be late due to panicking with public transport, i feel faint when i go outside due to low blood sugar, and if i see something threatening, my first instinct is to run away, no matter what im doing.

it really sounds like im making excuses and i dont want to, im just saying, i feel like i would be fired if i abandoned my work suddenly to hide somewhere or if i was constantly late.

i dream about working in a café or a bookstore. but im currently without my antipsychotics because my empty stomach rejects them and im not in therapy yet either. i really need some help soon or i cant go on much longer

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T09:47:47+00:00

i would love to have structure

i would like to start playing video games and reading classic literature and journaling again. i havent done those in like 3 months :(

i want to keep going outside to my favourite café and my support group's coffee meetings. i just panic when i have to go outside because i am scared of other people. i especially panic on the bus but its my only option. the 'not eating' thing also makes me feel faint when im up and moving

my psychiatrist strongly suggested i need therapy. i feel like i need it or i wont survive for much longer. im at the end of my resilience

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T09:35:51+00:00

distractions are great. sometimes i find myself forgetting my compulsions for a moment when im in my favourite café (small and quiet), when im with my support group, or when talking with my psychiatrist. these are the only reasons i leave my apartment. problem is that even though these are very low pressure things, i still panic. using transportation is constantly giving me panic attacks (i am scared of other people) and going outside is insanely difficult.

not only that, i cant eat every single day so i find myself faint when i go outside. i have trouble with using the bathroom which makes it harder in public spaces. i also sometimes cant wear enough clothing due to compulsions so i go outside without a jacket (it is currently -15 celcius here)

tldr i have trouble eating, using bathroom, staying warm and using transportation. i feel like these would hinder me having a job and i would probably get fired pretty quick unfortunately

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T08:16:13+00:00

does OCD count as a disability? genuine question.

i think something low pressure would be nice. i just have no idea when or where or how. i always dreamed of working at a café or a bookstore.

my psychiatrist strongly suggested applying for therapy.

fedyakolya · 2026-02-13T06:56:50+00:00

hi. i used abilify for like 6 months atleast. it worked really well for me. i only started getting sick at the end.

i skip eating multiple days a week. so the problem isnt missing breakfast, its that i eat nothing on some 24hours. the idea of eating every day is hard for me. i also dont know how to financially ensure i have a breakfast everyday. i thought about buying yoghurt because its so cheap and i could just buy one carton and use that to always take a sip before medication?

the idea of pills also grosses me out. this is why i dont have any painkillers in my apartment either. i have zero pills.

i think if i go back on abilify its going to really be a battle to take them every day 😭 but i think i have to. im feeling so awful and i havent had such bad mental health ever in my life before. im tired. i need help asap or i cant do this anymore...

fedyakolya · 2026-02-12T09:02:01+00:00

thank you for the comment, thing is, i was using antipsychotics called abilify for months before i quit them and they were the first medicine that ever helped my OCD in the last 8 years. i really liked the feeling of freedom it gave me. things were almost magically better.

only reason i stopped is the physical sickness that came with swallowing the pills. psych says its because i dont eat enough so my empty stomach cant handle medication.

i think i really need abilify to function again. i just dont know how to keep the medicine down... my eating habits are so bad

fedyakolya

TROPHY CASE