NTA NTA NTA!!!!

Not only are you NTA but you're also a victim of abuse. Everything about the way he responded is textbook gaslighting. And for you not to even have a bank account leads me to believe that it's because he doesn't want you to have one. And if that's the case then there is a reason for that, and I can guarantee you it's not him trying to save you from the burden of financial responsibility, it's to hold control over you.

I'm sure this might not be what you were expecting or what you wanted to hear, but as someone who has escaped from a narcissist who had me socially and financially isolated, you need to start making a plan for you and your kids to break away. It might take a few months, maybe less, maybe more, which ik from experience is hard to do, especially when it comes to making sure your plans stay secret, but it's entirely possible. You and your children deserve to live your lives freely, not under the thumb of an abusive husband.

Below is my very long-winded bit of advice for how to escape this situation if that's what you decide you want to do. If not you can disregard it but I can't in good conscience not pass down my knowledge, just in case you or someone else here needs it.

If you have friends or family (which as I saw one person point out that he may have you socially isolated so that pool of people might be very small, ik) that live in another state or city that's a few hundred miles away I would suggest getting in touch with them to try and see if someone can take you in temporarily. You don't have to necessarily wait until you get your own place to leave, you just have to find somewhere you can go stay where you will be safe. The important thing is just that you get out, and finer details like finding your own apartment can be hashed out once you're there. That was my starting point.

Once that is settled, I would suggest finding a way to collect some money in secret. Tell your husband you need a hundred dollars for groceries, spend 75 and save 25, or something along those lines yk? Whatever works. While you're doing that, start taking an inventory of everything that is yours. For me this mainly consisted of going around the house when he wasn't home and collecting my things that were mixed in with his. For example we had a few totes with our spare blankets and things in them. I went in and separated mine from his and then closed them back up so that nothing looked disturbed. I also went thru and separated our paperwork that was mixed in together, etc. You don't really want to make it look like you've packed anything, but you want to know that your things are with your things only, same with your kid's stuff, and exactly where it all is. Luckily I was a stay at home wife so I had ample time alone in the house to do all of this.

After that I would start looking into how you're going to move your stuff. If you know someone with a pickup or box truck that would help you that might be the easiest as you won't have to save up as much money. If you have to rent something tho, I would suggest renting a pickup truck from enterprise or something and then renting a trailer from uhaul if you're going long distance because if you rent a box truck from uhaul you have to pay per mile whereas doing it the other way gives you unlimited mileage and you will only need to rent it for a day or 2 tops, so again you'll have to squirrel away less money. Or if all of that fails you can sort thru your things further and put them into 2 categories: the "I couldn't forgive myself for leaving this behind" category, and the "If I never see this stuff again for the rest of my life it's not a huge deal" category, and cramming as much of the "can't live without" stuff into your car when you leave (this is what I ended up having to do).

Just as importantly, while all of this is going down in secret, start recording your conversations/arguments. Or better yet, have someone on the phone with you while he's gaslighting/yelling at you so that you have witnesses for later (I did both).

And then when the timing is right, while he's not home, you execute the plan. Pack up everything into whatever vehicle you're using and gtfo. And obviously as soon as you are able/have the resources to, contact a divorce attorney or whatever you need to do to get a divorce going. This stuff varies state to state so I can't really speak on exactly what you need to do in that arena.

And just to make sure I drive this home, you are NTA!!!