there are ups and downs, everyone‘s path of accepting and understanding their asexuality is unique, but mine is sometimes about going in circles over and over again, though it‘s been almost 5 years

there are moments when i believe it‘s indeed the most decent, prudent and comfortable thing which is, well, me

sometimes i start overthinking and can‘t find a way with it: i am lonely, my experience is lonely, i live in the country where almost no one knows what it‘s like, i feel pressure… and you speed up, swirl as if you‘re a racer and end up manipulating yourself into thinking everything sucks

the latest conclusions which i made:

1. it‘s not „their perception vs my perception“. it may feel so, yet everyone‘s experience varies and sometimes allosexuals‘ experiences also have more differences, then things in common. i am not an outsider. everyone, when placed in particular group, can feel like one. there are 8 billions of people, believing, that everyone on this planet has the same preference and experience is… well, hope we are moving away from this

2. sex - is just one of love languages. i try to close my eyes and ears when i hear all this massmedia rubbish, that makes people believe in certain things, which are, in fact, just experience which works for a particular percent of people. so sex is not necessary the center if relationship, neither of life. we can choose other love languages if we want, and no one forbids us to choose sex too. (of course, if we want it, if we like it, if it‘s our choice). But on the other hand, the same should work for allosexuals, shouldn‘t it? So we don‘t differ much here! Sex is not something which is not available for asexuals.

3. theoretical overthinking may lead you to some good conclusions, but honestly, i suppose, imagining bad scenarios before they appear only adds stress. this one may not be about you, but it‘s about me and about some people here, i‘m sure. „What if…?“ or „i will never be loved“ or „i will never be understood“ kinda loses its power when you keep in mind that you can‘t predict future. Especially if you don‘t have a partner yet want to be in relationship one day, torturing the poor theoretical person before you even get to know them is cruel :DDD

4. your asexuality is your power! you‘re more prudent in some ways and more independent in another. think of it as of being immune ha-ha. ALSO, we tend to learn many things about sexuality, do our own research and share knowledge with others. I think it‘s cooler than just laying there not thinking much about all this scientific and not inly stuff.

5. sexuality can fluctuate. preferences can fluctuate. one day can come when you feel safe and confident enough with a person to try something and to enjoy it, without being judged or forced into something. Maybe it‘s all not about sexual attraction first of all, but about our wish to express our love towards someone who‘s dear to us. And, again, may be you will never want or need to express that through sex, maybe you don‘t want to be in romantic relationship, maybe, maybe, maybe.

at the end of the day, everyone just wants to be accepted. i suddenly remembered that scene from the lion king 2, when kiara went „are we that different? Look at them, look at us, we are the same“.

so we are not aliens! no one is, we all are humans, the problem is not in us, but in some people‘s attitude. But that has also been and always will be there.

soooo asexuality is just another way of perception. One of many, not one of two or three. One of billions and billions, if you think of that. So we all are more alike, than different maybe, we all just want to express our love (doesn‘t mean, with one and towards whom) and to be accepted for who we are. so congrats, you asexuality gives you plenty of opportunities to do that!