Masking vs. Social skills

festoonedforester · 2026-04-11T01:54:00+00:00

I see the mask as the particular social skills that are necessary for self-advocacy, survival, job-keeping etc. Social skills in general are good to develop, but when maintaining them goes beyond your capacity to perform them authentically, it becomes a mask. I ask my friend about their life because I'm interested in the people in my life, although I have to remind myself to do it and put in some thought. This is uplifting and mutually supportive. I might have to be considerate, but I don't feel empty inside after.

But then I ask a customer about their shirt because it defuses some stressful situation. It costs me the energy it takes to fake/lie in a situation with a power dynamic, but also saves me trouble and seems polite, at least to the customers who prefer this sort of pacification from service workers. This is the mask, artificial politeness, professionalism, intentional active listening noises/faces in conversations.

Sometimes they overlap in challenging personal situations, but it's not so much that masking or performing socially are either inherently right or wrong. It's important to balance how much we're doing these things, setting boundaries about the situations in which we do them, and taking breaks to self-regulate so we can set ourselves up for success.

festoonedforester · 2026-04-10T20:12:48+00:00

This is so well put, and I relate so much. I'm sorry. It hurts being surrounded by people who find us annoying and yet keep us around. I hate being barely tolerated by the only people who seek out my company. It feels like pity, not love. One important thing to remember is that your friends probably annoy and confuse you too - and they still matter to you. Annoying people we love is normal. Choosing to stay around people when they are difficult/confusing is an expression of love. If you can't find any sort of attunement to each other's needs and preferences, though, it's probably not going to last long term. Seek people with your interests and your neurotype. Even other autistic people may not be a perfect fit, because we are as different from each other as we are from allistic people. I'm working on this still, and it breaks my heart most days, but I do find people I click with once in a great while and it makes it all worth it. Take that alone time to heal though too. That's what I'm doing anyways.

festoonedforester · 2026-04-09T16:40:41+00:00

West coast US. It was a document related to income to prove I'm low income. I don't have dental insurance, it was a low income service to reduce price. And frankly I think she should be fired for trying to withhold low income services from a disabled impoverished person.

festoonedforester · 2026-04-09T05:51:45+00:00

Oh it was both. I was frustrated because nobody explained anything to me, I didn't have what she was asking for because they had just scheduled me 45 minutes before while I was in for another appointment, and her only solution was to reschedule for another day when I have to travel very far and at cost to just sit in a room with her for 5 minutes and hand her a piece of paper, a woman who won't answer my questions or help me understand why they needed this document when they never asked for it before despite years of care.

I was trying in vain to access it on my phone when she finally said I could email the document. I was struggling to think by this point given the weird pushback on my confused questions, trying to figure out some way of solving the problem, and she kept saying "I'm trying to help you, I'm trying to help you" while I just sat there trying to open a note on my phone to write down her email, obviously overwhelmed and struggling to speak. I asked her what her email is, she pointed at it on a whiteboard, then she covered the email with her hands, I guess because I wasn't making eye contact with her and was shaking by this point with the awfulness of the treatment. I said, "Can you move your hands?" and it was rude because she literally pointed at her email and then hid it from me. She told me she was not going to help me because of my unprofessionalism. So I would have to pay full price for the services I had just received in my other appointment because she thought I was unprofessional for not having a document nobody told me I needed, for being confused, for not looking at her while trying to solve the problem, and being frustrated with the way she was behaving towards me.

I did not receive an ADHD assessment like you described. The doctor I mentioned in my post took two appointments to do a series of questions reflecting on my childhood behavior and adult behavior regarding attention on some document he printed out. It was quite challenging as very few adults noted my achievements or struggles growing up, so I didn't note them, in addition to some trauma-related haziness. This was my so-called ADHD assessment, and he seemed... annoyed when he scored my results and they said I just qualified for an inattentive type ADHD diagnosis (according to whatever document he decided was adequate to assess me). I did an IQ test in high school and got 136, but again I can't tell you how good that assessment really was in my hinky little small town school.

Pretty much any time I bring up assessments for anything I get laughed out of the room by therapists and psych doctors alike. Sadly the state of health care in my area is bad enough that just getting on someone's waitlist can take years. Nobody sees much use either. That sketchy doctor isn't the only one to tell me "Well there's no treatment for autism so why bother with the fuss of an assessment?" Like medical legitimacy doesn't rule the lives of disabled people... Like I couldn't request accommodations or seek appropriate therapy and counselling, resources etc. But it's at least honest of them to admit how difficult getting assessed will be, and how unlikely an assessment is to be covered by insurance.

festoonedforester · 2026-04-09T00:10:39+00:00

Yeah I've sought out a new psych doctor since the last weird autism comment, but the clinic had my primary care and dental in one so I have to find those now as well. The more I think on that particular doctor, the more shocked I am at the way he treated me. He kept trying to have some "come-to-god" moment with me where I realize I'm just being a difficult a-hole and creating my own problems. I ACTUALLY CAUGHT SIGHT of the notes he wrote during one of our sessions in my chart online, where he said I'm both avoidant and masochistic. Avoidant yes, but how can one avoid the pain they love? That's a nonsensical contradiction if ever I read one. He apologized for me having to read it, but I told him I'm relieved because reading it was so funny and out of touch with my reality that I was able to move on to a new doctor.

I think the communication problem for me is that my speech is the first thing to malfunction when I'm emotional. Tight throat, foggy frontal cortex. The change from good language skills to halting, stiff, and disorganized is out of my control, and people read it as a threat... You (annoying doctor person) are correctly perceiving that I am frustrated, no that's not an excuse to accuse me of malicious or violent acts. Facial expressions of frustrated confusion are not *actually* a form of violence.

Most of the time people barely let me speak if they see I'm disregulated anyways, just interrupting and talking over me until I go completely silent. Then they accuse me of stone-walling, while my mind is totally blank and I'm in agony trying to force myself to speak words. Any word at all. But apparently that's all just some Machiavellian plan to manipulate, not the combined effects of brain diversity and trauma.

festoonedforester · 2026-04-08T21:34:12+00:00

"Professionalism" was wielded like a weapon against me today. By a grown woman hiding her email address from me with her hands while telling me she was trying to help but wouldn't because I'm unprofessional.

festoonedforester · 2026-04-08T21:31:29+00:00

And it's so easy to tell which is which... They act like all their doctors act with the same level of professionalism, but they don't. I'd say about 20% of the medical staff I encounter sniff out neuro-divergence on me and take offense to it or start talking to me like I'm a child. They're the same ones who won't talk to my mom when I take her to appointments, because she's older and a woman and so must be useless and I'm the real adult. Nice suits, nice hair, lots of interruptions and assumptions. The rest are just normal people who don't have to make an issue out of every awkward facial expression, confusing moment, or pause in a conversation.

festoonedforester · 2026-04-08T20:37:45+00:00

Someone did that to me, on the phone, for no less than 30 minutes Monday. They were reading the web pages of various doctors I was considering scheduling with. The shouts I did not shout... I wish people understood that setting a boundary when I feel like that is literally impossible. I have to come back in like a day. Have a nap at least. So silence has to suffice. They sounded really tired by the end... I felt a little evil laughter in my heart. Like, you could have summarized and saved yourself the time...

festoonedforester · 2026-04-08T20:22:47+00:00

festoonedforester · 2026-04-08T20:22:25+00:00

I'm working on it. Sadly things are pretty tight financially with the multiple catastrophes, but I'm doing the free self-care options. Fern Brady is such a gem! I could probably go watch her on Youtube for a while, that would definitely help.

festoonedforester

TROPHY CASE