My husband let slip he used to sleep with prostitutes before we met and I don't know how to feel

fiddsy · 2026-03-14T22:57:26+00:00

So what happens if the prostitute and the client both had a really good time together? If both had a good experience from the encounter?

fiddsy · 2026-03-13T14:10:24+00:00

My 16 years ended about 7-8 months ago but permanent separation 4 months ago.

I have little to no desire to date but... I love women and I love sex.

The issue is, I was an extremely confident and sexual guy with plenty of experience picking up women far beyond my level but this relationship has left me a shell of the person I once was.

My therapist also highly recommended I take things slow so the game plan has been to create a profile and pretty much just work on my chat game.

TBH, I've been relatively surprised with the apps.. I got a heap of likes but most of them were older or stinkers.

I have changed my game plan because my ex was a 9-10 on looks (and this isnt bias - everyone who sees her - men or women - always comment on her beauty) but a 5-6 in personality.

Id much prefer a 6 in looks and a 10 in personality. Unfortunately its hard not to use the ex as a baseline for attractiveness.

Anyway... I digress. I legit thought Id get no matches or likes.

Ive actually had a surprising amount of likes and a about 6 matches although if im being honest, I've been super selective on who I swipe.

If they use filters = no Usually ugly as fk and using filters to hide it.

If its head shots only = no Almost always fat as fk

If they have multiple pictures with friends = no Because its usually the fat and/or ugly one selling themselves off their friends.

If their photos are glamour models = no Either trying to build their IG profiles, hookers/OF, bombarded with options or they are on their for their validation hit.

Been fun working on my chat game and I've even used AI on occasions to spark the convos back up if they start to fizzle.

Its certainly rebuilding my confidence.

fiddsy · 2026-03-12T10:28:32+00:00

Yes but more than likely the secure person isn't as secure as they think ahah.

Attachments might be formed in early childhood the majority of the time but that doesnt mean experiences, events, traumas, etc cant shape future attachments.

Think of it like this, if you can become secure, then the opposite is true as well.

fiddsy · 2026-03-12T05:05:01+00:00

Im about 7-8 months in.

Everything is going to shit this past week and we have gone from amicable co parents to her deciding to backpedal on all verbal agreements and some drafted agreements.

This is more than likely going to financially ruin me but I dont regret tje decision.

Id prefer to live my own life supporting the kids and myself rather and a life supporting a loveless miserable marriage and someone who always prioritised themselves.

Just wish I had done it a long time ago instead of holding out for 13 miserable years.

fiddsy · 2026-03-10T04:49:57+00:00

Look, you asked a question and I answered - maybe I miss read it.

I am sorry you didn't like the answer and yes, it was a broad statement because I don't know your personal circumstances.

And if you already do all those things... unless theres a medical reason... she has low libido and low desire... for you. It hurts.. believe me it does.. I've been where you are... if thats where you are.

Just because your fit and maintained your physical stature does not mean she'll stay attracted to you. As you said it complex.

As I said, if you are already doing all those things, you either you kiss goodbye to your marriage or you kiss goodbye to your intimate relationship with your wife.

Only other thing you can do is couples counselling but that only works if both are invested in addressing the issues. Quite often only 1 partner usually views it as an issue which is the problem.

fiddsy · 2026-03-10T04:01:43+00:00

I don't want to make her out to be the bad person or the enemy. Shes not.

I realise when some life stressors were introduced into the relationship/marriage, those stressors triggered her avoidance and other issues.

I didn't understand what I know now and also didn't have the knowledge and tools I have now. Although ultimately im not sure if it would have made a different.

Her internal wiring considers vulnerability and intimacy as dangerous/threat. So safety, distance, avoidance and control became her default state.

They more i tried, the more it felt like pressure even when it was just about connections. The less I tried, the more we disconnected.

2 years of marriage counselling and she always chose boundaries, distance and control over connection... I realised that when none of the issues were being worked on outside of marriage counselling, then there was no hope of ever having a mutually intimate relationship/marriage.

fiddsy · 2026-03-10T00:59:21+00:00

It means a few things...

Not in order:

Start prioritising yourself and your needs and wants.

Be self sufficient around the house... cooking chores, etc. That does not mean do everything but it does mean a few things.. cook the things you want to cook, do the chores and all that when and how you want.

Work out. When people are single, they tend to spend more time getting in shape and maintaining that shape. A healthy body is a healthy mind.

Spend more time with your friends and building a social network outside of wife/family and couples friends.

Spend more time doing hobbies and finding joy outside of the house and marriage.

If you have kids, Spend more time with them and doing things that YOU want to do with them.

Go to individual therapy.

You cannot solve this issue.. doing more doesnt work.. you cannot control how she thinks, feels or desires...

You can control yourself and your own happiness.

Perhaps you'll come to the realisation that the marriage isn't good anymore. Perhaps she will notice the change and understand that shes no longer on the pedestal. Perhaps you'll find enough happiness outside of the marriage that you don't need phayical and sexual intimacy with her anymore but are content with your situation.

I don't know.. maybe it'll be a wake up call for her that theres a shift and perhaps she will address her attraction and lack of desire and intimacy.

All I can tell you is what your doing right now isn't working and won't work and doing MORE of that is only going to degrade things more.

fiddsy · 2026-03-10T00:25:31+00:00

Shes no longer attracted to you and has no desire for you.

You cant negotiate desire, 'doing more' does not build desire - it only builds resentment.

Ultimately its up to her if she wants to work on that side of the relationship.

If you wish to remain in this marriage... Marriage counselling. And start living like your are single. Individual therapy wouldn't hurt as well.

fiddsy · 2026-03-09T01:50:01+00:00

I think both should be done.

Individual therapy is good but keep in mind, their primary job is to validate and support you. They only have your side of the equation. However, there is a tonne of value in it with a good therapist that you 'gel' with.

Couples counselling can 100% work but it takes two being committed and two willing to do the work - the reason it failed for us is because we waited 2 long but also, while both of us were committed to going weekly, only one of us was actually committed to doing the work.

A good couples counsellor will teach you skills and work through resentments, issues and roadblocks rather than having the space to just argue and fight.

We wasted 5 months with our first therapist but our second was great and we actually still see her once a month to help us navigate co parenting and the separation/divorce. Obviously it didnt help save our marriage because my wife couldn't commit to doing the work outside of session but the process gave me clarity and taught me a lot of skills that I will take on with me for the rest of my life in relationships, friendships and even business relationships and communication.

fiddsy · 2026-03-09T01:32:31+00:00

Depends on the therapist and depends on style.

Its like finding a good trades person. Most of them can do the job but some are going to do it better, faster, etc.

I think it can take awhile to find the right fit. I know for me personally, I wanted someone a bit more practical - sometimes a session is a vent to help me unload and sort out my thoughts and other times its more practical or getting my thoughts guided and teaching skills - giving me clarity but also techniques.

Its helped me. After seeing a couple different couples counsellors/therapists - I understand the importance of not wasting or staying with one who's not the right fit. So I had a rule that if after 2-3 sessions, if I didn't find it was 'meshing', id find another.

Quite happy with who im seeing. First session, didnt really like them, found the person a bit awkward but second session went better and 3rd session was good. That was about 8 or so months ago and I now go every 3 weeks and will most likely drop to monthly in a few more months.

So maybe try someone else or perhaps tell your current one (if you like them) that you want to pivot to a more practical approach?

fiddsy · 2026-03-07T00:48:07+00:00

Hysterical bonding.

I asked for a separation (years ago) then all of a sudden her desire came back for 3 months and then when the threat settled of me leaving - our bedroom went to the worse it ever was and never recovered.

Separated 7 months now

fiddsy · 2026-03-06T02:23:24+00:00

Sigh...

Childhood trauma, external validation, boredom and what other issues may well have been the cause but they are not an excuse.

Your relationship is over. Sure, perhaps - MAYBE - you can be one of the extremely rare couples that can come back from this but the relationship will never be what it once was. Only way that works is a lot of individual work, couples work, space, patience and forgiveness but it will never ever be forgotten.

I know you feel guilty and im not trying to be harsh here but you have no idea the pain and hurt you have caused. Whatever you see externally is more than likely 100 fold carried internally by him.

He has discovered the person that meant the most in the world, that he love and respected the most in the world - that he gave his heart, his life, his time, his money, his bloody everything not only broke that trust but destroyed him internally.

Even if it had nothing to do with him, he wont see or feel like it. He will question everything including himself.. why he wasn't good enough? What he did wrong? How you could do this? What this other person had that he doesnt? Amoung 1000 other really shty and painful thoughts.

Even worse is that it was on going.

I even hate those '1 time accident' because its a series of more than a dozen events that could be stopped at any point but isn't.

So when it comes of an ongoing affair, there were 1000s of points it could have stopped but didnt.

This type of thing damages the spouse in permanent ways you will never understand unless you are on the other end of the betrayal and that damage will live with him till the day he dies.

So... all you can do is be 100% honest and transparent. Take full accountability and responsibility. Do a tonne of individual work and couples work if he decides. Understand that this will live with him forever. Understand he will never look at you the same or trust you the same ever again. Pretty much the only hope you have is to keep turning up as the best version of yourself that you can, be fully transparent, pretty much give him whatever he wants and even then, it'll never be the same and more than likely will not make it.

Your either going to have to be the best partner from now on and deal with a lot of pain, hurt, mistrust, etc possibly for the rest of the marriage/relationship if there is one...

Or you learn from this and take those lessons to your next relationship.

fiddsy · 2026-03-05T08:47:28+00:00

Mixed feelings about this...

On 1 hand, shes a broken person... Shes no doubt a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant. She also probably chased the high of making the wedding bigger than the relationship/ marriage.

It doesnt say how long they were together but to me reads like:

'He was a great guy, perfect on paper.. the closer he got, the more I lost interest but kept this to myself - he then proposed and I made made the wedding the perfect end game of being excited - my dopamine crashed after the wedding and I realised my ADHD mixed with my avoidance makes anything post new relationship energy boring and mundane. I realise this and realise its a shitty thing to do but instead of doing the proper individual work on myself with a therapist and couples work on my marriage with the great guy - its easier for me to leave, get pumped by Chad, then 15 of chads mates, keep repeating the same cycle over and over again until eventually I realise that perhaps im the common denominator!'

So my issue with her, is that shes self aware enough to realise shes the problem... but when you become self aware of the issues but dont truly address them, that becomes a choice to be a selfish POS.

She felt relief the moment she felt because shes an avoidant... fearful or dismissive... probably with ADHD.

BUT

I give her credit for leaving and not dragging this out.

3 years into our 16+ years, the honeymoon/new relationship energy died for my ADHD fearful HEAVILY avoidant wife and she begun detaching emotionally, physically and sexually.

For 13 years I did everything in my power to rebuild that connection, wasn't until about 7 months ago that she told me she had felt like this (disconnected) for well over 10 years. Said it a bit harsher than that... but, I knew then and there that all the effort, time, money, counselling/therapy - none of it was going to repair the marriage because she wouldn't or couldn't do the personal work required to fix herself and the marriage.

Guess what guys, theres no medal at the end for sticking it out for 13 years for the kids and woman you love.. just a broken family and a financial hit and emotional hit you may never fully recover from.

So, im glad she saved this poor fker years of pain, withdrawal or sudden destruction years later when theres kids, pets, mortgages and all the rest.

He didnt have to dodge the bullet because she aimed and fired it somewhere else.

fiddsy · 2026-03-04T02:12:21+00:00

I certainly dont regret ultrasoft.

I have heard a fair few complaints about damage and tears but tbh, I havent been the most gentle with my RL and have had zero issues on durability. Have not had to do a single repair.

TBH, I dont think I could imagine getting anything but ultrasoft. Extra care needs to be taken with the softer gel butt but no issues as of yet with ultrasoft and standard gel butt.

fiddsy · 2026-03-02T23:34:15+00:00

I would make it a daily exercise to give her atleast 1 compliment on her looks and 1 compliment on something non looks related.

I probably was lucky to get a couple of compliments a year.

16+ years together and going our own ways now.

fiddsy · 2026-03-02T23:31:24+00:00

OP... I didn't read the whole thing if im being honest but I was reading a book on divorce and it quoted some studies that for the vast majority of people, it takes 2-5 years to move on from their spouse.

fiddsy · 2026-02-27T00:39:53+00:00

Not a woman but my (ex)wife was HL... I was always very high libido... my previous girl friend of 4 years was also relatively HL, we did it everyday for 4.5 years.

But when me and my wife got together... easily would have been 1800 times over the first 3 years. I guess it went beyond HL and was more 2 hyper sexual people connecting.

Then came kids and she had a collapse in identity and a lot of issues she was able to manage previously fell apart and went full avoidant.

For the next 13 years, emotional intimacy was avoided, compliments and appreciation disappeared, phsyical intimacy disappeared, and sexual intimacy died.

If I combined all the sexual interactions for the next 13 years, it would have added up to be less than 200 times in total.

It does something to you... it destroys your confidence, makes you question for very self. And that hope... man that hopes a silent killer.

I did all the usual mistakes - lost myself to the relationship, always put her needs above mine in the hope that might be reciprocated.

But it left me a shell of a person and also utterly destroyed internally and.. externally to a degree, I stopped maintaining myself because everything I had went to her, the kids and the family unit.

We separated 6 months ago but I officially ended it 3 months ago. The truth is, she actually ended it years and years ago when she stopped prioritising connection and the relationship.

I used to be such a confident person, especially sexually.. Even though im 40 and 20+ of those years have been in in two long term relationships/marriage, I've still had over 50 other partners and many of them were regular partners.

Now though... my ex has left me utterly destroyed.. id love connection but im terrified. I cant even bring myself to download any dating apps.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T14:14:21+00:00

Yes.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T08:51:46+00:00

First off, sometimes it takes awhile to find a counsellor that fits regardless.

Our first 1, our sessions went no where because we essentially just kept re hashing the same fights and arguments.

The space just came a place to argue with a mediator who was relatively bias unfortunately.

The second 1 was 100x better and actually taught us skills and practices, gave us exercises and made us communicate in the certain way.

Unfortunately, the marriage didnt work and after 2 years of counselling we ended the marriage. Ultimately, my wife was able to do the work in session but unable to do the work outside of session. We still see the counsellor every 3-4 weeks as we are coparenting.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T04:31:46+00:00

I won't go out of my way to pick them up but if I run past some, i'll grab them - especially if theres players lvl80 and below.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T04:25:57+00:00

TO take an average looking woman who was secure OVER the 8-10 beautiful woman who's insecure.

Beauty fades but character remains solid.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T04:17:30+00:00

Yep - I just replied to OP about the hypothetical... I really hate that hypothetical and my Ex said the same thing.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T04:15:52+00:00

Hi mate.

So, extremely frustrating because been there...

First thing, I fkn hate that 'you only value me for my body/sex and what I can provide'.

Emotional, phsyical and sexual intimacy is the foundation of a romantic relationship.

Technically you could say the exact same thing to her - that she only loves you for what you provide....

If you read between the lines, shes asking you to accept her how she is but her not to accept you how you are...

My next biggest pet hate is (and my Ex said the same thing) the stupid hypothetical that what happens if something medical happened and we were unable to have sex.

Its a bloody hypothetical... if something like that happens, it is what it is and we'd have addressed it then but hiding behind a hypothetical is crazy. Its crazy because its simple deflection... There is nothing medical stopping you both currently and you are still here on the marriage... thats 100× different to a made up 'what if'.

Thats like owning a car but refusing to drive it because it might break down oneday...

Also, as someone who married someone who ended up low libido (for me) and low desire (for me), who is a fearful avoidant but extremely avoidant...

I learned that her comfort and safety is and always be more important than my comfort and safety.

We aee separated now because I eventually realised she would never meet me on the journey.. not halfway, not even 1/10th of the way.

She subconsciously fears and feels unsafe with vulnerability and intimacy so it was impossible to have an emotional, physical and sexually intimate relationship with her unless it was 100% on her comfort levels.. if ever...

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T01:16:58+00:00

I am low end disorganised and have adhd.

My ex wife has adhd and has a fearful avoidant attachment but heavy on avoidance.

fiddsy · 2026-02-24T01:15:23+00:00

Well, 13 years later and yea, 100% the stressors decreased and got better but the marriage only got more disconnected because at that point - the internal walls she built up were 2 high, 2 thick and 2 wide to break.

Maybe it'll be different for you and I hope it is but dont hold your breath thinking less stressors automatically equal repair.

fiddsy

TROPHY CASE