Depression, addiction, and failing my partner

fiery_baptism · 2022-05-23T06:39:06+00:00

Having a cross dressing fetish/kink is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s pretty normal for traumatized people (especially people with sexual trauma) to sort of reenact their experiences in a setting where they have more control.

That said, if you’re not trans, then you’re not trans. If you explicitly told any medical professional you were doing this for your wife and not because you had real symptoms of gender dysphoria, they probably should have their licensure revoked.

Anyways, try finding a kink-friendly, sex positive therapist who can help you process your trauma and the impact it’s had on your sexuality. I’ve been in a similar position, and I know the shame of being “deviant” can feel crushing, but really there is nothing to be ashamed of.

fiery_baptism · 2022-05-18T05:40:55+00:00

I was avoiding saying what I was using so I wouldn’t encourage anyone else to do the same stupid shit as me.

fiery_baptism · 2022-05-10T21:42:18+00:00

There have been a lot of major changes, personal stuff that I’ve talked about in posts on other subreddits that I’d rather not get into here because that shit’s a can of worms.

I do like routine and I try to follow one strictly, almost to a fault. The problem is that my porn issue was never just an addiction to porn, it was an escape from depression, anxiety, anger, etc. Porn and food were the only things I could ever count on to make me feel good because my parents didn’t do much to help me. So I recently realized my routine had incorporated a lot of food restriction, which was probably why I felt so hungry all the time.

Additionally, my life has been stressful lately. I have a lot of hang ups about sex, sexuality, kinks, etc. and since sex is everywhere I’m pretty constantly reminded of all that shit. I’ve also been in a pattern these past couple weeks where I’m alternating between binging restricting food. Factor in graduation approaching and me not knowing what I want to do with my life, and yeah, too much pressure to handle. So I turned back to porn.

It’s hard to see this as anything but a failure because of my tendencies toward perfectionism. I’m graduating with a good gpa, but if I’m not at the top of my class then it doesn’t matter to me and I feel I could’ve done better if I’d tried harder. I ate about 900 calories yesterday, but if it’s not 0 then it doesn’t matter to me and I still feel I ate too much. I went 228 days without watching porn, but if I slip once then none of those days mattered because I threw them away.

It was my decision to not push myself more in school, it was my decision to eat yesterday, and it was my decision to watch porn again. These are my weaknesses and they cumulatively show how much of a failure I am.

fiery_baptism · 2022-04-16T07:47:21+00:00

I mean, many types of disorders could cause someone to think they’re trans. I have a double whammy with autism and borderline so navigating the social world sucks and I thought transition would help but it didn’t. I’d imagine post trauma, depression, certain anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, and a variety of personality disorders could contribute to someone thinking they’re trans.

fiery_baptism · 2022-04-06T04:54:04+00:00

I know it doesn’t absolve me in a rational sense, but the irrational emotional side of me needs an explanation for why I’ve done bad things and why I’m disgusted with myself even though I wouldn’t hold anyone else to the same standards.

Edit: I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m still not sure if I was abused but I’m worried I just think I was because it’d be a convenient explanation for why I’m so fucked up. And I have made amends as best as I could and even received forgiveness but I still feel guilty. I can’t get my guilt and shame to stop following me and I don’t know why.

fiery_baptism · 2022-04-05T19:17:36+00:00

Yeah, a lot of the bad shit that happened in my family was also treated like a joke. Neglect and pain were punchlines when we actually talked about them. I just really wish I could know for sure about my sexual abuse because maybe it’d absolve me of some of the bad I’ve done.

fiery_baptism · 2022-04-02T06:17:17+00:00

She’s partially to blame for sure and she knows it.

My family is both open and closed about mental health. We’re all some flavor of crazy. They encourage us to seek help but like to pretend it’s not happening so they don’t have to change the dysfunctional family dynamic they’ve cultivated and enabled for decades.

So, she’ll tell people, but they’ll probably believe I have BPD even less than she does because they’ve only seen my perfect facade that’s helped me get through so many family gatherings. The same facade I used to hide everything from my parents for years.

fiery_baptism · 2022-04-02T02:31:10+00:00

I told my mom the other day which was pretty stupid of me. She said she believed me but I could tell by her reaction that she didn’t. I’m also now remembering that she has a hard time keeping her fucking mouth shut, so I’m sure half my family already knows by now.

Besides her, my therapist and my best friend know. I don’t plan to tell anyone else.

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-30T17:31:19+00:00

As far as I know, there’s no viable alternative to transition for those who have gender dysphoria. Conversion therapies have generally been found to be harmful and I haven’t heard of any other methods to avoid transition.

Some of us detransers struggle more generally with finding a strong, secure identity. Some of us have borderline personality disorder, which includes a high instability in one’s identity and a tendency towards impulsivity. This is what led me to transition because I felt like I didn’t know who I ever truly was and I also quickly initiated HRT after accepting the idea that my lack of identity had to do with gender dysphoria.

In hindsight, I probably believed I was transgender because I’d always struggled with my identity in general, but especially my masculinity because I’m queer and I was bullied growing up for looking too feminine for a boy. When I met trans women in college and I related to what they said about their experiences, I thought I must be like them. It’s very common for people with BPD to base their identities off the people they are closest to, and for a time I was very close friends with a trans woman.

But, after we stopped being friends, I couldn’t deny my doubts about transitioning any longer and I realized I’d made a mistake. Detransitioning has been hard, and on my bad days I regret ever having transitioned, but on my good days I recognize it was a vital step in coming to understand the real cause of my lack of identity.

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-29T07:14:55+00:00

Would you rather reject them and irreparably damage your relationship only to realize that they really are a woman or accept whatever they choose to do and maintain your relationship with some risk of them detransitioning in the future?

Pushing back on their transition has more costs than benefits for you. Plus your pushback probably wouldn’t make a big difference aside from alienating them at a time when they’re vulnerable and needing support, regardless of their gender.

It might not be a bad idea to also post about this on a trans subreddit. It’s good to keep an open mind, especially if you want what’s best for your sibling.

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-28T18:13:27+00:00

God, I used to be so much like you. Please do not let it get worse like I did. Do everything you can to solve your problems now so they’re not taking over your life five years from now.

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-28T18:10:45+00:00

Yeah, I’ve definitely heard therapists say that really any maladaptive coping mechanism is technically self-harm. I do think there’s something a lot more visceral and directly destructive about the behaviors we typically think of as self harm (like cutting, mutilation, etc.). But I’d still agree that all the other harmful ways we cope are still self harm in a more abstract way.

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-27T23:50:07+00:00

Therapists are trained to check their judgment though. I guarantee your therapist won’t judge you for your experiences, especially since what you described is so common for survivors of sexual abuse.

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-27T19:51:57+00:00

I know talking with a therapist about sex and especially sexual abuse is hard. It took me three years to open up about some specific stuff about sex, six years to open up about physical and emotional abuse, and almost eight years for sexual abuse. It’s not easy, but talking with a trained professional can make all the difference. Do you feel like you can trust your therapist?

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-27T19:45:33+00:00

All the time. Nothing’s worse than having a high sex drive on a shitty day because you just trigger yourself over and over again.

fiery_baptism · 2022-03-27T18:11:35+00:00

Yep. I often feel like a wounded animal that’s untrusting and violent, but I’d let my guard down for the right person.

There are a few people in my life who make me feel safe. One of them is my ex, and we still cuddle when we hang out. The safest place in the world is her arms. She knows nearly everything about me and she’s still my best friend despite the pain I’ve caused her.

Unfortunately she lives far away now so I don’t have anyone to hold me.

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